Phyllis: And Ron's always going over to "borrow" things from you.
Norm: Yeah, but... Well, all right, yeah. Now, Vera said that he came over yesterday to borrow a power drill, but I really...
Phyllis: Norm, we have a power drill.
Norm: Variable speed?
Phyllis: Yes.
Norm: Cordless?
Phyllis: Oh, my God!
Norm: Phyllis, this doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Woody: No, this just can't be true, Mr. Peterson. They wouldn't do that. I mean, they're both married, for Pete's sake.
Carla: How old are you?

Norm: She said she's just sitting home alone listening to records. Oh, I could hear Johnny Mathis singing in the background.
Diane: There you go. I knew it.
Woody: Now, that's good news, isn't it, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah. It'd even be better if we had a Johnny Mathis album.
Phyllis: We have one.
Norm: All right, Carla, call your cousin.

Santo: Well, is there anything else you can tell me?
Norm: No. No, I think that's just about everything.
Phyllis: When can you start?
Santo: Look, you both seem like nice people, huh? Do yourselves a favor. Don't hire me.
Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but we're quite serious about this.
Santo: And you don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
Santo: My cousin, she's a pistol.

Phyllis: But Mr. Carbone, by hiring you, we hope to prove our spouses innocent.
Norm: Yeah, there you go.
Santo: Well, in most of these cases the news is otherwise. Believe me, I've seen it a million times. A bored husband, fed up with leftovers in the bedroom as well as the kitchen, starts eyeing the cute little pastry tart next door who's only too happy to serve up a little dessert.
Phyllis: That's not true in our case, is it, Norm?
Norm: Uh, no. No way. Anyone else hungry?

Phyllis: Look, nothing like this has ever happened before. Up until now, we've both had happy marriages.
Santo: Please, believe me, people who don't know are better off.
Phyllis: Could you excuse us for a minute?
Santo: Yeah, sure.
Phyllis: Well, Norm, what do you think?
Norm: I'm not so sure we should hire this guy.
Phyllis: Well, if we're being made fools of, I'd prefer to know it.
Norm: Can't we just assume it and save a little money here?

Santo: You're Diane Chambers, aren't you?
Diane: Yes, I am. You look familiar. Weren't you an attendant at Goldenbrook?
Santo: That was just my cover.
Carla: Santo was the one who I hired to track you down at the insane asylum.
Diane: It wasn't an insane asylum, damn it! It was more like a spa.
Santo: You're out already, huh?
Diane: Of course I'm out. Why wouldn't I be out?
Santo: No reason. Look, you take it easy.

Phyllis: Norm, listen. Whatever the outcome, I want you to know I couldn't have gotten through this without you. You've been a tower of strength.
Norm: You've been great too, Phyllis. Thank you. What if the news is bad? I mean, what then?
Phyllis: Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
Norm: Oh, yeah?
Phyllis: I'm gonna go right out and have an affair myself. Maybe lots of them.
Norm: You are darn right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Just watch my dust.
Phyllis: Of course, the difficult part is finding the right person.
Norm: It's hard, all right.
Phyllis: Now, that's always the hard part.
Norm: You know, it would have to be someone who really understands me. You know what I mean?
Phyllis: Someone you could depend on?
Norm: But who? I wouldn't know where to begin.
Phyllis: I'd be completely lost. [touches Norm's hand] Of course, I wouldn't wanna break up a marriage like those two home wreckers.
Norm: Those jackals.
Phyllis: Adulterers.
Norm: Fornicators. [they kiss]
Santo: All right-- Oh, for God's sakes! Boy, this is one for the books. God help us all.

Santo: All right, all right. I followed them everywhere. From the supermarket to the movie theater to the golf course. Last night I got what I wanted at the Sea Shanty restaurant.
Phyllis: Well, let's hear the tape.
Santo: Yeah, let's. I don't wanna hang around here any longer than I gotta.
Woman: [on tape] We've put this off too long.
Man: [on tape] Well, we wanted to be sure about some things.
Woman: Right, l- [clattering]
Santo: Busboy dropped a tray.
Norm: What did she say? I couldn't hear a thing.
Man: What did you say?
Woman: I said I can't go through with it. I just can't hurt Norm.
Man: I feel exactly the same way. I can't hurt Norm either. Well, I guess that's that.
Woman: Yeah, I just realized in a strange kind of way that I still love him. With all his faults. He's never home. And so he hangs out in some bar downtown. As far as our sex life goes, he's not exactly Don Juan. It's more like Don of the Dead.
Norm: I think we get the gist here.
Phyllis: So nothing went on.
Santo: Nothing. Vera and Ron happen to be two of the sweetest people I ever ran across. They actually changed my mind about this filthy business. Then I walk in here, and I'm right back in the sewer. Well, you'll pardon me if I go home now, won't you? I mean, suddenly I feel like a shower.

Phyllis: I'm sorry, Norm.
Norm: No, no, no.
Phyllis: You know, in a strange kind of way, I like Vera.
Norm: Yeah, well, that's the only kind of way you can.
Phyllis: Oh, stop it.
Norm: Yeah. I kind of like her too.
Phyllis: You know, she's a lucky woman.
Norm: Come on.
Phyllis: You are a definite hunk. [kisses Norm on the cheek] Bye-bye. [exits]
Norm: [to himself] Norm Peterson hunk. [to an attractive woman] Hi there.
Woman: Get lost.
Norm: Right.