Woody: You all right, Mr. Peterson? You've been awful quiet tonight.
Norm: I was thinking about a high school football game, actually. That was a long time ago, Woody. And far away from here. We were playing our archrivals for the state championship, you know? And I saw the cutest little cheerleader that I've ever seen in my life just cheering her heart out. Yeah. I looked at her, and the sun seemed to be shining only where she stood. You know what I mean? And she seemed to be everything that was bright and pure and good. I knew right then and there that I wanted to make that little gal my wife. So I turned to Vera, and I said, "Honey, would you mind introducing me to that cheerleader?" I'm joking, Woody. Of course that little cheerleader was Vera.
Woody: Hey, can I ask you a question, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Sure, Woody.
Woody: Who won the game?
Norm: You know, I really couldn't tell you who won, Woody, but tonight I sure know who lost.
Woody: Well, can't you figure it out from that?
Norm: Could I have another beer, please?

Phyllis: It's just that, well, you know, just because Ron and Vera didn't do anything doesn't mean that we have to... Well, what I'm trying to say is, is that when we kissed something happened to me.
Norm: When I heard that tape, Phyllis, something happened to me. I realized how much Vera means to me.
Phyllis: Well, then, why don't you just run on home to your precious little wife?
Norm: All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna do just that. Right after a couple more beers.

Man: What's the damage, Mac?
Woody: Oh, just let me figure it up here. That'll be $27.50.
Man #1: Ouch. You sure?
Woody: Yep, you two gentlemen had four peach daiquiris and three creme de menthe frappes. [Cliff laughs]
Man #2: Something funny, dipstick?
Cliff: [turns around] In the paper this morning, yeah, it seems that, oh, the Sarge got tricked by Beetle Bailey again. See, Beetle put some itching powder in his shorts.
Man #2: Uh-huh. Oh, we thought that maybe you was laughing at our drink order.
Cliff: Oh, on the contrary. No, no, no-- Woody, let me have another mocha froth, will you? And keep them coming.

Cliff: Who was Vera dancing with then?
Norm: The guy, Ron Henshaw.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Norm: Yeah. Good dancer.
Cliff: Oh, is he? Well, they dance the slow dances, do they?
Norm: Yeah, a few times. Why do you ask, Cliff?
Cliff: Oh, no reason, no reason. But you know, during the slow dances, certain parts of the body rub up against one another. You know, thigh touches thigh, purely by accident. Before you know it, you're hosing them off like dogs.
Norm: It's good clean fun, all right, Cliffy?
Cliff: Yeah, well, I know which way the wind blows.
Carla: Yeah, usually out of your mouth.

Dave Richards: [on radio] Yes, it's me, Dave Richards, with Sports Shorts. Well, we don't have much time because the Red Sox were involved in another long, boring extra-inning game. So let's get right to tonight's guest. He's former Red Sox relief pitcher and one of my buds, Sam Malone. How you doing?
Sam: [on radio] Sure am, Dave. How are you?
Dave Richards: Just great. And you?
Sam: Couldn't be better.
Dave Richards: That's great to hear. Boy, we've had some fun...
Diane: Where does one send for a transcript?

Dave Richards: [on radio] Well, I think we've hogged the airwaves long enough, Sam. So let's open up those phone lines for you listeners out there. Got a question you've been dying to ask Sam Malone? Well, here's your chance. [silence] Former major league great Mayday Malone. [clears throat] All the lines are clear, and it is a toll-free call. It doesn't have to be about baseball. Anything at all. Anything. Hey, we've got a call. You're on the Shorts.
Woody: [on the phone] Hey, Sam, where'd you put the olives?
Sam: Woody? Woody, get off the- [shouts from his office] Get off the phone!
Woody: He said, "Anything at all."

Dave Richards: [on radio] Here's another one. Go ahead.
Man: [on radio] Sam, you were known as quite a ladies' man during your playing days. Are women more impressed by a man in a baseball uniform?
Sam: [on radio] Well, actually I found women were a lot more impressed when I was out of my uniform, if you get my drift. No, seriously, you know, a lot of the chicks I dated know nothing about the game of baseball at all. You know, in fact, one former love bunny actually brought a book to a Red Sox game to pass time between pitches.
Diane: [mouths] "Love bunny"?
Dave Richards: A book? You mean, like, to read?
Sam: I swear to God, Dave.
Carla: Gee, I wonder who that was, Diane.

Phyllis: Hello, Norm.
Norm: Oh, Phyllis. What are you doing here?
Paul: Well, I took the chance I might find you here.
Carla: Whoa, what are the odds?

Phyllis: Norm, I've been trying to think of an easy way to say this, but I can't. I think Vera and Ron are having an affair.
Norm: Vera and Ron? Did you guys all get that back there? That's just great. How about you guys? Did you get that, everyone? Come on, let's just get away from the peanut gallery here.

Norm: This is kind of hard to believe, Phyllis. I mean, what makes you think they are?
Phyllis: Oh, Norm, come on. You're not blind.
Norm: What? What?
Phyllis: Haven't you seen the way they look at each other when they're dancing? And I don't have to tell you how attractive Vera is.
Norm: No, you certainly don't.