Diane: I don't want anything to distract you from your enjoyment of this painting. When you see it, you'll understand and forgive.
Sam: What happens if I hate it?
Diane: You know you're going to love it. Because in the last six months, you've come so far and made so much progress.
Sam: You know, you sound like you're talking about a chimp. I just push the right buttons and out pops a banana?
Diane: That's a ludicrous comparison. There isn't a chimp alive who could keep up with you.
Sam: You know, you always do this. I really hate when you do this. You tell poor Sam what he should like, what he shouldn't like, how he should walk, how he should talk, what fork he should use with soup and salad. I know. I know. You don't use a fork with soup. I just said you use a fork with soup. It was a mistake. Please do not say, "You don't use a fork with soup." If you do nothing else for me for the rest of your life, do not say, "You don't use a fork with soup."
Diane: My God, Sam. I've made you a babbling idiot.
Sam: Who are you calling a babbling idiot, huh?
Diane: Don't get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.
Sam: You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor. Let me criticize me for a while. You're sickening.

Diane: I want you to know something. Ever since we've known each other, I've said to myself, "One day, we are going to get down to the real you." Well, we did it. Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat, braying ass?
Sam: Nope.
Diane: The fat, braying ass would.
Sam: Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: What's up, Normie?
Norm: Ah, the temperature under my collar.
Cliff: Oh, what's the matter there, big guy?
Norm: The damn Hungry Heifer Restaurant again. It's the pits.
Cliff: Whoa, wait, you went back? I thought you hated it.
Norm: I got lured back by their Surf and Turf Special.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, what's that? Lobster and steak, huh?
Norm: Tuna fish sandwich with beef gravy.

Coach: Okay, listen up, everybody, will you? The picnic is off.
Cliff: Why is that, Coach?
Coach: Lack of interest. I'm just calling it quits.
Man: Sorry to spoil your picnic, Coach.
Coach: My picnic? You think I was doing this all for me? You think I like sitting out there in the dust and the dirt and fighting the ants for a chicken leg? I can do that at home. But listen. Forget everything. Just forget the picnic, forget my sweat and my work. Forget me.
Man: Uh, what the heck. I'm going to Coach's picnic.
Cliff: Uh, hey ,stick my name up there too, will you, Taffy?
Coach: [to Carla] Pathetic-old-man bit, Carla, works like a charm.

Coach: [v.o.] Hi, my name's Ernie Pantusso and I'm supposed to tell you what happened last week on Cheers. Well, I'm good at explaining things because I used to be a baseball coach. Here, let me illustrate. Now, you may remember me from my playing days in the minors. I still hold the league record for the most times hit by a pitch. That's as good as a hit. Anyway, where was l? Oh, last week on Cheers, this fellow Semenko came into the bar. He's a very famous artist. While he was here, this Semenko fella saw Diane and he got an idea. He decided to paint her picture. He thought she was special about her puss. Diane loved the idea because she'd heard of this fella and she thought he was good. And as you all know, Diane's very smart. Well, the trouble is, when Sam met this artist, Semenko, he hated him. He told him he couldn't paint Diane's picture and he told him to get out of the place. Semenko started to go and Sam left the room. Diane pretended to go along, but then Diane went behind Sam's back. Hey, wait a minute. This is starting to look like a diagram for our old double steal. the runner on first breaks for second, and the runner on second breaks for third. Or if second and third are occupied, the runner on second breaks for third and the man on third goes home. The batter hits the ball to the opposite field, which means the field plays to home plate. Now, wait a minute. I'm sorry. This isn't the double steal at all. These are directions to my daughter's house. No, I'm wrong again. She moved. Or did she? Anyway, Diane was going behind Sam's back.
[flashback to Diane and Phillip Semenko talking in the previous episode]
Coach: [v.o.] Listen, I don't know about you, but I'm worried. I can't remember where my daughter lives. Oh, well, you're up-to-date. Let's see, it's somewhere in New England. Something Lane or Drive.

Carla: Diane is late again today.
Coach: You know, something, she's been late every day this week.
Norm: Yeah, ever since Sammy threw Semenko out.
Cliff: Well, I could have told Sammy a lot about that guy. He's a real headcase. And like all artists worthy of the name, the man is a homosexual.
Norm: Ah, Cliffie, you think everyone who's the slightest bit different is gay.
Cliff: Oh, hey, Norm. I've given you the benefit of the doubt.
Norm: All right, Cliff, you think that all artists are gay?
Cliff: Absolutely. And if you don't believe me, I'll can bring down this coffee table book I got at home. "Nude Male Statuary". You tell me after looking at those pictures that the guys who chiseled those lads aren't a little light on the loafers.

Sam: Okay, I got it. My problems are solved.
Carla: An exploding pizza for Diane?
Sam: No, no. That's good, but no.

Diane: Carla, why don't you take the day off? I'll cover. I owe it to you. Go join the picnic.
Carla: OK. I know what you're doing. I see what you're up to. You're doing all this just to get me to say that thing that people say when other people do favors for them.
Diane: You don't have to say it, just go.
Carla: I don't? Oh, thank you. [gasps] Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. I have to punish my tongue.
[Carla sticks her tongue in the door frame and closes the door. After a moment's pain, she grabs her coat and smiles to Diane as she leaves.]

Diane: You can look at it. I just have to see some evidence of calmness.
Sam: I'm calm, Diane.
Diane: No, you're not.
Sam: I am calm.
Diane: No, you're not.
Sam: I'm calm. If I were any more calm, I would be dead.
Diane: Your knuckles are white and your jaw muscles are quivering.
Sam: I get that way when I'm about to look at art. Now, come on.

Diane: I should have known. I tried to convince myself that you... That I'm... That we're... This relationship has always been a contest of wills. I give up. All my rage has gone. Maybe everything has gone.
Sam: Oh, wait, I see what you're doing. here. You don't wanna fight because I'm winning. Yeah. Yeah, I hammered you pretty good on this. Actually, I've won a lot of these babies, I just never mentioned it before. Yeah, come on.
Diane: I'm leaving. I find this very tiresome all of a sudden.
Sam: Oh, no, no, no. You're not leaving yet. Not till we've had a brouhaha.
Diane: Brew on your own haha. I tell you, I'm through. I'm empty.
Sam: Oh, yeah? The only thing empty about you is your head. Ha! Huh?