Diane: I'm leaving.
Sam: Wait. Wait. You're not leaving yet. Not until I say one more thing.
Diane: Oh, what?
Sam: Get the hell outta here.
Diane: You are about to cross a very dangerous line.
Sam: You heard me. I want you out.
Diane: If this is coming out of the heat of the moment, it is a very bad mistake. One which you will never be able to correct.
Sam: Out.
Diane: Because if I go, I am never, ever coming back.
Sam: Can I get that in writing? Oh, damn, I only got pencils, I'd sure like to get this in ink.

Diane: Don't joke, Sam. I mean it. And I want you to understand. If you don't stop me now, this is the last time you'll ever see me. [Sam is silent for a while] Fine.
Sam: Hey, Diane. This is it, huh?
Diane: This is it.
Sam: Goodbye.
Diane: Goodbye.
[After Diane leaves, Sam monetarily heads towards the door before turning back. Outside, Diane comes back down a couple of stairs before turning back again. Sam goes behind the bar, grabs a knife and opens the painting.]
Sam: Wow.

Diane: It's wonderful. Really. It is.
Phillip Semenko: Damn it! I've run out of talent.
Diane: Phillip.
Phillip Semenko: I'm worthless. I'm a dog. Stick a knife between my shoulder blades.
Diane: Please. You do this every day.
Phillip Semenko: Today it's different. I've really lost it.
Diane: Is there anything I can do?
Phillip Semenko: Well, there is one thing.
Diane: Well, anything. What?
Phillip Semenko: Let's go to bed.
Diane: You want to... make love?
Phillip Semenko: No, I always take a nap with a blonde in the afternoon.

Man: Hey, Carla. Can I give you a lift?
Carla: I doubt it.
Man: Why don't you let me give you a ride home.
Carla: A ride home? I know what a ride home means.
Man: What?
Carla: We'll get out in front of my place and you'll say, "Boy, l could sure go for a cup of coffee." Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll invite you in for a cup of Joe. We'll talk for a while. Then it'll get later, quieter. You'll ask me if my radio works. I'll say, "Yeah." You'll put on a soft music station, a song will come on we both like, we'll start dancing a little bit around the kitchen floor. As we're dancing, you'll take a chance. You'll give me a little kiss right here.
Man: Carla, I'm not that kind of guy.
Carla: Shut up and listen. You'll give me a kiss right here. Then you'll give me a little nibble on the ear.
Man: Which ear
Carla: Your choice. I respond reluctantly which really makes you crazy.

Diane: Phillip, I don't know what to say. I thought we had a professional relationship.
Phillip Semenko: All right, afterwards, you can pay me. I make love to everything I paint.
Diane: Your most famous painting is of the Harvard-Yale football game.
Phillip Semenko: Yes, I spent three months in jail. College types don't understand me. I do, however, still get a few Christmas cards.

Diane: Phillip, you're a very talented man. If we had met at a different time in a different place...
Phillip Semenko: Wait a minute. The problem is not my talent, it's you. You've lost your agony. You've lost that sense of anguish that drew me to you.
Diane: I'm dreadfully sorry. What should I do to get unhappy?
Phillip Semenko: Why don't you go see what Bullwinkle's doing?
Diane: Don't call him that.
Phillip Semenko: Who?
Diane: I know to whom you are referring. You're always making remarks about him. I don't like that. You don't know him.
Phillip Semenko: I know him. I know him better than you do. What a prize!
Diane: Phillip, stop. I admit, Sam and I are very different people. Sometimes that's good. Sometimes it's not so good. Sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he hurts me and seems to like it.
Phillip Semenko: That's it. It's back. The torment is back. And with it, my brilliance!
Diane: I'll put some coffee on.
Phillip Semenko: Never mind. I'm done.
Diane: What? Oh. I love it. So will Sam.

Sam: Remember how disappointed she was that I wouldn't let that Smirnoff guy paint her? She keeps insisting he's a great artist.
Cliff: Hey, we all know what that means, right?
Sam: Well, I've finally got something to cheer her up here. I had someone do a great painting of her from those photos that weren't good enough for Laughing Boy, huh?
Norm: Well, where did you get it, Sam?
Sam: Oh, I saw it in an ad in the TV guide. You know, the one with the cover story about the ten cutest sitcom kids.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting reading.
Sam: Well, this guy takes an ordinary photograph and he turns it into a work of art. You ready for this? [all laugh]
Carla: Good one, Sammy. Even I think that's tacky.
Sam: Real jerky, huh? I knew that. Don't you worry about me. I knew that.
Cliff: [laughing] A real work of art there.
Sam: Well, this is great, actually. I was afraid she might think I was serious, but I see now that the humor of this isn't wasted on anybody.

Diane: It's one of the most powerful statements of melancholy I've ever seen and Sam will appreciate that it's atrabilious yet not a bit lugubrious.
Phillip Semenko: If you think Sam's gonna love this painting, you're crazier than I'm accused of being. Go ahead and show it to him. Goodbye.
Diane: Well, you're not coming to the bar to show it to everyone?
Phillip Semenko: No. But say hi to all the gang for me. Besides, I think you should be alone with Mortimer tomorrow.
Diane: Don't call him that, and why should I be alone with him?
Phillip Semenko: Because it's the last time you'll ever see him.

Carla: What's that?
Diane: The large package is a portrait of me.
Carla: It's that weirdo artist Sam threw out of here, right? I know what you've been doing all this week.
Diane: You figured it out?
Carla: Of course. It's all so obvious.
Diane: Carla, I've been late a lot this week. You've had to do a lot of extra work. Here.
Carla: What is it?
Diane: It's a gift. My way of saying you did something nice for me. And I thank you.
[Carla holds the box at arm's length as she cautiously removes the lid]
Carla: Hey, that's beautiful.
Diane: I thought you could wear it with your purple outfit.
Carla: Yeah, yeah, I probably can!
Diane: Carla, it's polite to express gratitude when one is given a gift.
Carla: Yeah, right.
[Carla walks back, stands in front of Diane and tries to speak. She is tongue-tied. On her third attempt, she gives up and returns the box to Diane]
Carla: Damn, I love that thing too.
Diane: Carla, keep it.
Carla: Oh, good.

Sam: What's that?
Diane: It's a painting of me.
Sam: It was that Semenko guy, wasn't it? You went behind my back. I told you I didn't want you to do this. You knew exactly how I felt and yet you went ahead and did it.
Diane: Sam, let's not talk until after you look.
Sam: I don't want to look at it. I want an explanation here.
Diane: This is my explanation.
Sam: Fine, fine, fine. I'll look at the damn thing.
Diane: No, I want you to look at it in the right frame of mind.
Sam: Well, tough.
Diane: No, no. You're upset and I don't want you to look at it until your mind is open. It's filled with animosity to Phillip and me.
Sam: It is not. My mind is completely empty, all right?