Norm: No, don't look at me. Vera and I don't have any kids. I don't know anything about the subject.
Coach: Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
Norm: I can't, Coach.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.
Norm: I look at Vera... I just can't.

Coach: You know, the biggest argument I ever had with my wife was over naming our daughter. She kept insisting on Lisa. And I wanted to stick with the original name.
Sam: What was that, Coach?
Coach: Baby Girl Pantusso.

Coach: Sam, look at me. Do I look OK to you?
Sam: Yeah, why?
Coach: Well, I just went down to renew my driver's licence, right? They asked me to donate my kidneys.
Sam: Oh, no, no, don't take that personal, Coach. They ask everybody.
Coach: Those lousy highway robbers. It used to be a lousy two bucks.

Sam: Coach, come here. Listen, everybody. This is for Carla's kid. It's going to be our kid.
Coach: Oh, yeah, I can teach it how to slide into second base.
Sam: Oh, you can't, Coach. Remember your back.
Coach: Well, I can teach him how to swim.
Sam: Uh, you're afraid of the water, Coach.
Coach: Well, I can teach him how to tie a Windsor knot.
Sam: Why do you think you wear clip-ons?
Coach: Well, I can just sit there.

Carla: I'd had a really rotten day. I got stiffed twice. Sam bawled me out for something. You were here. I got soaked on the way home. By the time I got the kids locked in their rooms, I had really had it. So I sat down at the kitchen table, a bottle of Chianti. I just started thinking about how rotten my whole life was when I saw his face through the fog in the door window.
Diane: Who?
Carla: Nick, my ex-husband. Besides everything else, it was our anniversary.
Diane: I see.
Carla: But I was so down, I figured we could just talk for a while, you know? So we were drinking and remembering the couple of good times we had. It was the first laugh I had all day. He was wearing his black fishnet T-shirt. I could see his panther tattoo through the little holes. No woman could resist. With the rain and everything and the wine, I just got carried away.
Diane: Carla, this is the man you once referred to as "seepage".
Carla: Sure, Nick's disgusting, but he knows this spot on your earlobe. One nibble and you are a heaving mound of flesh.

Diane: Carla, do you know the story of The Tell-Tale Heart?
Carla: Take a leap, Whitey.
Diane: I'm going to tell it to you. A young man killed an old man. While carrying out the crime, he could hear his victim's heart beating in fright. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. He was very glad when the man was dead and the awful sound stopped. Then he dismembered his victim and buried him under the floorboards. Soon, he could hear a sound coming up from the floor. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Till he couldn't stand it any more. Surely everyone heard it. Eventually, guilt drove him totally insane. You can never escape your conscience. [quietly] Ba-boom. Ba-boom...
Woman: Okay, okay! Tom, I've been cheating on you. You are a wonderful man and I don't deserve you. [to Diane] I'm sorry.
Man: Wait, darling.
Diane: Ba-boom, Carla. Ba-boom. Is this having any effect on you?
Carla: None at all.
Sam: Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.

Sam: Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. Hey, Christie Leveroni.
Norm: Christie Leveroni, come on down! Come on, Sam, let me dial this one. It's been a long time since I've run my fingers over a girl's digits.
Diane: Norman.
Sam: You know, I haven't seen Christie since Woodstock.
Diane: You were at Woodstock?
Sam: A friend told me to go down there. He said it was a great place to pick up chicks.
Diane: I should have known you weren't there for the music.
Sam: There was music at Woodstock?
Norm: Sammy, it's ringing.
Sam: [takes the phone] Hello. Is Christie there? She entered a convent?
Diane: Oh, boys, it looks like your idol has fallen.
Sam: So what's the number over there? [phone clicks]

Diane: What are we all so afraid of? We've known for well over a month that Carla's... Let me be the first to say it aloud. Carla is pregnant.
Coach: That's it, Sam, it's out.
Diane: Sam, she is all alone in the world. She needs some support. She's probably waiting for us to reach out. You people call yourselves friends.
Sam: Well, why don't you talk to her?
Diane: Well, I would, but Carla's never actually called me a friend, unless "doofus" is a term of endearment.

Sam: So who's the father? We want to know.
Carla: Well, you're about to see for yourselves. He's coming in. [chuckles] I really got lucky this time, boy. He's a nice, responsible guy, and he is going to support this kid.
Sam: Oh, that's great. You going to get married?
Carla: Well, you know, actually we probably would, Sam, except it goes against my most cherished belief. Men are toe jam.

Diane: By the way, I recommend the Lamaze method. I've read about that and it sounds wonderful.
Carla: No, forget it. I got my own method. Knock me out and wake me when it's potty-trained. [laughs]