Sam: Why don't you sit down here for a second? You all right?
Norm: Yeah.
Sam: How many fingers?
Coach: Three.
Sam: Not you, Coach.
Norm: Three.
Coach: Sure, after I give him the answer.

Diane: Hi, everybody. I bet you're surprised to see me on my night off.
Carla: Yeah, we didn't hear your broom pull up.

Coach: Sit down, honey, and just relax. Everything is going to be fine. Just remember, now, don't snap your gum, don't chew with your mouth open, and for God's sake, don't play with your bra straps.
Diane: I'll try to remember that.
Coach: Well, trying's not good enough. I'll just have to write it down for you.

Norm: Listen, Coach, do me a favor and don't make a big fuss over me today, OK?
Coach: You got it.
Norm: You know, no cakes, candles, party hats, singing. None of that, all right?
Coach: OK.
Norm: You know, because, really, it would be so embarrassing, you know what I mean? And no gifts, all right? Yeah. Whatever you do, don't ask how old I am today.
Coach: Normie, is today your birthday?
Norm: Coach, you remembered, huh?
Coach: [rings bell] Hey, everybody, it's Normie's birthday.
Cliff: All right, let me buy the birthday boy a drink here.
Norm: Please, you're making too big a deal out of this.

Coach: Diane? Here's the list of tips I promised.
Diane: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: I also added instructions for a dainty way to dispose of gristle.

Sam: Hey, listen, why don't you see a doctor? That thing hit you pretty hard.
Norm: I'm all right.
Sam: No, come on. Play it safe, go to the emergency room, let them check it out. I'll pay for it.
Norm: No, a little rap in the head. Doesn't even hurt any more.
Cliff: Normie's right. I got a rap in the head all the time in baseball. I never went to a doctor.
Norm: And you'll keep my glass chilled?
Sam: Yeah.

Frasier: Listen, why don't you two have a seat and I'll get us a fine cordial. Will you trust me to make the selection? I have a very special little treat in mind that I've just discovered, and I'd like to surprise you with it.
Diane: Oh, Frasier, you're mad, but I love you.
Frasier: Three cans of Schlitz. [both laugh]

Sam: Say, do I sense a bit of tension between you and dear old Mother Crane?
Diane: Well, I don't want to blow this out of proportion. Doesn't every woman feel their mother-in-law-to-be is an evil, dark-hearted, psychotic murderess? I mean competitor.
Sam: What exactly did she say?
Diane: I don't remember it word for word. Something about, "l have a gun and I know how to use it." And then before she left, she said I needed a night on the town like I needed a hole in the head.
Sam: [laughs] That's kinda cute.
Diane: Cute? You think a death threat is cute?
Sam: Well, not as a rule, no... But, you know, your sense of humor is not exactly your strong point. Now, is it possible that this lady is joking with you?
Diane: Well, anything is possible, but what's funny about... a hole in the head? Oh, God... Is it possible? Oh, I feel so foolish. She must think I'm a twit.
Sam: Don't worry about that. Because when I first met you, I thought you were a twit, too.
Diane: Boy, this gal is a real kidder, huh? I mean, we're talking veritable goose. Well, fortunately, we're having lunch together, so I can show Hester that I can give as good as I get.

Norm: Here. You can just take care of this at your leisure, I suppose.
Sam: $683? Just to have your head checked?
Norm: Yeah, isn't that something? Well, they did a whole battery of tests on me, Sam. Hey, I thought the important thing is that I'm OK, isn't it?
Sam: Well, no. I mean, yes, but $683!
Cliff: Uh, Sammy, the cost of diagnostic testing has gone up dramatically. I read recently it's running to billions every year.
Coach: Gee, I didn't know so many people got hit by corks.

Hester Crane: I've never encountered such hostility, personally or professionally. I'm leaving.
Frasier: No, just a minute, let's all take a beat. Now, the three of us are going into Sam's office and we're goin to work this thing through. There's got to be a logical explanation. And there'd better be, Diane.
Diane: Well, it's a joke. It's all joking. Hester, you're with me on this, aren't you?
Hester Crane: If terrible threats constitute jokes, no, I'm not with you on this. [Frasier and Hester go into Sam's office]
Diane: OK, time to take stock here. I'm not crazy, right, Diane? Right you are. [goes into Sam's office]
Sam: [to himself] A whole year of my life.