Sam: Well, she can't stop thinking about me. Obviously, little Miss Sue has a bad case of Sammy-itis.
Diane: Sometimes known as the swine flu. Sam, admit it. The poor woman had a low threshold for overbearing bores.
Sam: Well, I got an idea. Maybe I could send her a relief map of my body.
Diane: Or you could send her a life-sized portrait of your brain. I know a good miniaturist.
Sam: No, that's not sexy enough.

Sam: Oh, Carla, I hate to criticize, but I can't believe you actually read these sleazy scandal sheets. I mean, look at this. Even I'm above this. "Big Foot Stole My Wife." "Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" I mean, this is garbage!
Carla: For your information, Sam, I don't read those articles. I think they're just as stupid as you do. I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle. OK, let's see. Seven across. Five-headed cow born in Vermont. Maybelle. Uh, sixteen across. State with the most UFO babies. Arkansas.
Sam: I don't believe it.
Carla: Thirty-two across, aphrodisiac found in every kitchen cabinet. Oh, I don't know what that one is. Let me see what fourteen down is. Where Franco's brain is being kept alive. Fish tank. OK, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A. Now I remember. Oregano. [Sam writes it down] Trash.

Sam: Hey, Diane. Surprise. Found something else of yours lying around my place. Remember this?
Diane: Good Lord. Is that for wearing or signalling aircraft?
Sam: Well, this is your teddy, isn't it?
Diane: I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment. If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
Sam: Hey, what, you don't like the color?
Diane: What made you think that was mine?
Sam: Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
Diane: "The House of Ooh La La". Get it away from me. It's horrendous.

Cliff: Your Florida tan is far deeper, far richer, than your ordinary, common run-of-the-mill tan. As a matter of fact, I've got a patch over here. I'll show you the distinction.
Norm: I see Cliff found somebody he hasn't bored to death with his Florida spiel yet.
Carla: Marco Polo didn't talk about his trip this much.
Cliff: You see how the rayon sock-
Man: Whoa, gee, it's seven o'clock! You wonder where the evening's gone.
Cliff: Ah, I'll remember where I was.
Man: Yeah, so will l.

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: Tell us what you know, Norm.
Norm: Well, God's in his heaven and something, something, something.
Sam: How about a beer?
Norm: Yeah, that's it.

Sam: Anyway, she's living with him in Corfu, wherever the hell that is.
Cliff: [scoffs] Corfu. The poor man's Pensacola.

Diane: How about a pizza? You love pizza.
Coach: No, I don't, Diane. You can't crawl in bed with a pizza. Well, maybe you could, but a pizza can't keep you warm. But, you know what, maybe it could, but you can't kiss a pizza. Your lips would get...
Sam: Uh, Coach, we get the point.

Norm: [v.o.] Hi, sweetheart. Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. I know we haven't spent that much time together lately, but an awful lot's been happening down at Cheers. Let me just grab a beer. Anyway, this woman, Irene Blanchard walks into the bar a few weeks ago. Coach falls for her like a ton of bricks. Kind of like when we first laid eyes on each other. Well, next thing you know, he's taking her out on the town and they've been seeing each other every night since. So I guess it wasn't totally unexpected when Coach comes in tonight- Hey. Hey, I saw that yawn. Well, I can finish this story tomorrow. Come on, let's you and me turn in. [dog barks] No! You'll wake up Vera.
Vera: [v.o.] Norm?
Norm: Be right up, dear. You stupid dog. I hope she's not in the mood to talk... or anything.

Norm: So, where's the Coach? Is he off or what?
Sam: No, he's in the back working.
Norm: I understand Irene postponed the wedding again.
Cliff: Oh, what does that make, three times now?
Carla: Can I have a Stoly rocks, Sam? Yeah, I don't think he's seen much of her since she became Miss Moneybags.
Cliff: Yeah, just like a woman! I tell you, they're only good for one thing.
Carla: And for you, not even that.

Sam: Coach! Listen. Listen to me. Look, I'm going to tell you straight and you just better listen to me right now.
Coach: Sam, before you do, could I ask a very special favor of you?
Sam: What?
Coach: Sam, would you please be my best man?
Sam: Oh, Coach. Oh, sure, sure. I'd be proud to.
Coach: Thanks, Sam. Now if I can just clear this with Irene.
Sam: Well, what does she care who your best man is?
Coach: No, it's not Irene. It's Sue. If you showed up at the wedding, she said something about hiring a sniper.