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‘An American Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: An American Family

309. An American Family

Aired November 29, 1984

Carla's ex-husband, Nick (Den Hedaya), turns up and demands custody of one of their kids.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, I don't think you ever hit over 150.
Norm: Wait, I got 20 bucks says he did, big guy.
Cliff: Whoa, you're on, sucker.
Norm: All right, kiss that Andrew Jackson goodbye.
Diane: It's beyond me why the two of you insist on making a contest out of the most meaningless issues.
Cliff: No, no, no. On the contrary there, Diane. We also address ourselves to some of the most vital and meaningful issues of our times. For instance, if south-east Asia were to be obliterated by a nuclear attack, Norm here would have to push a peanut up Boylston Street with his nose.
Norm: But only as far as the corner. Come on, peace.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Nick! What the hell do you want?
Nick Tortelli: Hey! Is that the kind of hello I deserve?
Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.
Nick Tortelli: I gotta talk to you. I would have come by the house, but I didn't want Loretta to see my humble beginnings. I need a simple favor.
Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Normie, Normie, Normie. I hate to be the one to tell you this. But Sam's batting average never went past 149. Here it is. Right in the stat book.
Norm: 149.
Cliff: That's right. And I don't wanna be the kind of guy who rubs it in, so just let me say... [chuckles] [Coach laughs]
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah? Well, I have a little bad news for you, Cliffie. It so happens that I made a side bet with the Coach that if you won you'd be obnoxious, so I come out even. [Coach laughs]
Sam: Hey, troops, I'm back! What? What's so funny?
Coach: Normie just lost a bundle to Cliffie on a bet.
Norm: But the Coach just lost a bundle to me.
Cliff: But the funniest thing is, Sam, it's based on the fact that you couldn't hit a baseball to save your life!
Coach: Know what's even funnier than that, Sam?
Sam: What?
Coach: Cliffie spends 30 bucks on a book to win a 20 dollar bet.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah? Well, you lent me the money, Norm. You know I'm never going to pay you back.
Diane: You know, the way you positively revel in each other's defeats is totally reprehensible. Are you ever as pleased with each other's good fortune?
Norm: Who's had any?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So, Normie, how's it going? You got Vera pregnant yet?
Norm: Not yet.
Cliff: Well, what's going on there, Norm? It's been a few months. I'm getting a little disappointed here.
Norm: Cliffie, I'm doing my darnedest, all right? Anything to get Vera off my back.
Cliff: Your back? Norm, I think I see a little problem with your technique. Coach, can I have a pencil and a rather large piece of paper?

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Carla, see reason.
Norm: Now, look, why don't you take out an ad in the paper. You never really know what the kid's going to look like, but I can't believe that you'd be fussy.
Nick Tortelli: What is this, Days of Our Lives? I want my own. I don't want somebody else's. Mind your own businesses.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Carla, I didn't think you'd be so cold-hearted, but as you are, I have no choice but to do what I'm trying to avoid at all costs.
Carla: What, breathe through your nose?
Nick Tortelli: No. I'm taking you to court.
Carla: Hey, you can't do that.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, no? I happen to have an attorney, Carla, and he assures me that I got a very good case. In fact, he thinks I can get all five kids and you as a maid. I'm letting you off easy.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Nick, even if I wanted to give you those kids, they wouldn't want to go with you. The young ones don't know who you are, the old ones hate your guts.
Nick Tortelli: I don't believe what I'm hearing. Anthony loves me.
Carla: No, he doesn't. He's the oldest. He's the one who best remembers you walking out on him. He thinks you're a creep.
Nick Tortelli: He thinks I'm cool.
Carla: He calls you scuzball.
Nick Tortelli: He didn't learn language like that from me.
Carla: He didn't learn anything from you!
Sam: Hey, come on. We're getting complaints from the nuclear testing range next door.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [on the phone] Hi, is this Pequod? Well, this is Sam Malone, here. Yeah, I'd like to make reservations for two in one of your cosier rooms for the weekend. Yeah, that's great. I'll see you Friday night, late. [hangs up]
Diane: Sam, I happened to hear you mention the Pequod.
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: That wouldn't be that charming little inn that you and I went to last fall?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think. This is gonna bother you, isn't it?
Diane: Oh, of course not. Whatever you do now is your own concern. Take a different woman every night.
Sam: Actually, it's easier to have them meet me there.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, this is gonna bug you, me going there with somebody else, isn't it?
Diane: Not at all.
Sam: Oh, yeah, this is bugging the hell out of you. I tell you what... I tell you what, I'll go someplace else. I understand.
Diane: Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't bug me, as you so eloquently put it.
Sam: Oh, yeah? Tell me this, would you take Frasier there?
Diane: As a matter of fact, Frasier and I have been to several places you and I frequented. It's so refreshing to go to a museum with someone who doesn't slide across the marble floor in their stockinged feet.
Sam: Hey, those paintings look a lot better if you go by fast.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Hey, Tom, you're a lawyer, right. Can he do this?
Tom: Well, family law is not my specialty. However...
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on there, Oliver Wendell homely. Exactly what is your specialty, blowing the bar exam?
Tom: Hey, I'm gonna pass it this time, wise guy. Don't you worry about it.
Cliff: I'm not worried. You've taken it in every state in New England. Look, Carla, you're talking to a man here who thinks affidavit's a Jewish wine. Now...
Carla: If he knows anything, he knows more than you.
Tom: Thanks.
Cliff: Finish what you were saying, Tom.
Cliff: We can't wait.

Quote from Diane

Diane: How was the Pequod, Sam?
Sam: Pequod? Oh, yeah. Great.
Diane: Was it everything you remembered it to be?
Sam: Come on, Diane, why torment yourself?
Diane: So you really went, huh?
Sam: Of course I did.
Diane: Did you enjoy the fruit basket that Frasier and I sent to your room?
Sam: Fruit basket?
Diane: Yes, the fruit basket.
Sam: The fruit basket?
Diane: The fruit basket.
Sam: Yeah, OK, we loved the fruit basket.
Diane: We didn't send a fruit basket.
Sam: Damn! I knew it.
Diane: Sam, your heart wouldn't let you go to that place with another woman. I find that very sweet.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Carla, if you felt this way, why on earth did you give that child away?
Carla: Because I could never say no to that man. You know, I never even wanted to go out with him in the first place. He won me over. I didn't wanna go to bed with him. He won me over. I didn't wanna marry him. I didn't wanna have five kids. Our whole history is me saying no and him winning me over. Like the other day in there? He held my hand. And he got real close to me, and then he batted those eyelashes at me. And he said, "Carla, you know why I want that kid? Cos he is a part of you. He's the only part of you I have."
Diane: Nick said that?
Carla: Let's not even discuss it. It's over, the kid is his. He's coming by today to have me sign the papers.
Sam: Dammit, Carla. If you don't wanna sign, don't sign. I mean, stand up to the guy.
Carla: Well, of course I'm going resist. But if I happen to alone with him for a second, I'll melt.
Diane: Then there's one simple solution, we shan't let you alone with him. Right, everyone?
All: We shan't!

Quote from Norm

Diane: Okay, Carla's in there facing the greatest crisis of her life. I want everybody to be quiet for a moment, close your eyes and send her your most positive mental energy.
Coach: Good idea.
Sam: Guess it can't hurt.
Diane: Okay, now, come on, everyone. This is important. One, two, three.
[As everyone closes their eyes, Norm senses an opportunity and leans over the bar with his empty glass]
Sam: Norman!

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Wait a minute, do that again.
Nick Tortelli: Can't get enough of it, huh? [kisses Carla]
Carla: Nothing.
Nick Tortelli: Nothing?
Carla: Zero! [Nick kisses her once more] You should have stopped at your dumb look.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about?
Carla: I'm talking about this! [screws up the paper]
Nick Tortelli: Wow, I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. This is the first time you stood up to me. You resisted my charms. You win.
Carla: Hey, hey, wait a minute, there. I know better than that. Your heart wasn't in it. You know how much that kid meant to me.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about? I did my best. Maybe I don't have it any more.
Carla: You have more of it now than you ever did. You just went easy on me.
Nick Tortelli: I busted a gut!
Carla: Nick. You went easy on me, didn't you?
Nick Tortelli: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. [tosses Carla the paper]
Carla: Well, if you did, thanks. [kisses him on the cheek] And if you didn't... [bounces the paper of Nick's forehead]
Nick Tortelli: Take care.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Diane: Sam, please. Go, have a good time. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sam: Gee, I'm afraid I've lost that list.
Nick Tortelli: [enters] Hey, I remember you. You're that blonde waitress.
Diane: And you're Carla's incredibly loathsome ex-husband.
Nick Tortelli: How do you like that, we both stuck in each other's minds.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Tom: Actually, Carla, there's a good chance he could get custody, if he can prove you're an unfit mother.
Nick Tortelli: Thank you, Counsellor. And who do you think they're gonna pick? Me, a sincere, hard-working family man? Or you, a hard-up waitress, who leaves her kids night after night to come to a sleazy bar?
Sam: Hey, hey, watch it.
Coach: Yeah, she's off Thursday nights.
Nick Tortelli: I can also prove that you consort with men of questionable character.
Carla: What are you talking about? You got the morals of a sewer rat.
Nick Tortelli: Not to worry. If you knew your law, you would have read up on a thing in the Bill of Rights called the double standard.
Coach: Yeah, watch the bureaucrats take that away from us, too.
Carla: You're bluffing. Court costs money, you know. And unless the TV repair has increased dramatically, you make diddle.
Nick Tortelli: You know, every time you open your mouth, you show your ignorance. It so happens, that the Tortelli Television Hospital has just come off a record-breaking quarter. I want to tell you how good we're doing, I got ten men working under me, and two of them is American.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Anyway, listen, I'll make sure they don't put me in the same room at the Pequod.
Diane: I could care less. Room number 12.
Sam: Hey, you know, that was a great room, 12. Remember when that nor'easter blew through, and we had to stay inside by that big old fireplace?
Diane: Yeah. We listened to the wind lashing against the panes, the rain on the roof.
Sam: Huddled under that big comforter. I never felt safer.
Coach: Me neither.
Sam: You weren't there, Coach.
Coach: Oh, I thought you meant now.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Sit down. You want anything?
Loretta: Thank you. I'll have a Coke.
Nick Tortelli: Be sophisticated. We're in a bar.
Loretta: Coca Cola.
Nick Tortelli: No, no. Order some kind of drink.
Loretta: I'd like something in a coconut.
Nick Tortelli: You're something in a coconut. Two Scotches.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Nick, this is a surprise.
Nick Tortelli: How you doing, Sam? You dumped Carla by now, right?
Sam: Well, we're no longer going together, but Carla dumped me.
Nick Tortelli: She dumped you? Sam, you boggle me.
Sam: Well, wait a second. I did dump that blonde waitress there.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: I came because I want a kid.
Carla: Shouldn't you be baking your biscuits in blondie's oven now?
Nick Tortelli: I'm talking about one of ours. I'm talking about the fruit of my loins.
Sam: Uh, would you guys like to step into my office so you can have a little privacy?
Carla: No.
Sam: Please.

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