Cliff: Yeah, Sammy, I don't think you ever hit over 150.
Norm: Wait, I got 20 bucks says he did, big guy.
Cliff: Whoa, you're on, sucker.
Norm: All right, kiss that Andrew Jackson goodbye.
Diane: It's beyond me why the two of you insist on making a contest out of the most meaningless issues.
Cliff: No, no, no. On the contrary there, Diane. We also address ourselves to some of the most vital and meaningful issues of our times. For instance, if south-east Asia were to be obliterated by a nuclear attack, Norm here would have to push a peanut up Boylston Street with his nose.
Norm: But only as far as the corner. Come on, peace.

Carla: Nick! What the hell do you want?
Nick Tortelli: Hey! Is that the kind of hello I deserve?
Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.
Nick Tortelli: I gotta talk to you. I would have come by the house, but I didn't want Loretta to see my humble beginnings. I need a simple favor.
Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Cliff: Normie, Normie, Normie. I hate to be the one to tell you this. But Sam's batting average never went past 149. Here it is. Right in the stat book.
Norm: 149.
Cliff: That's right. And I don't wanna be the kind of guy who rubs it in, so just let me say... [chuckles] [Coach laughs]
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah? Well, I have a little bad news for you, Cliffie. It so happens that I made a side bet with the Coach that if you won you'd be obnoxious, so I come out even. [Coach laughs]
Sam: Hey, troops, I'm back! What? What's so funny?
Coach: Normie just lost a bundle to Cliffie on a bet.
Norm: But the Coach just lost a bundle to me.
Cliff: But the funniest thing is, Sam, it's based on the fact that you couldn't hit a baseball to save your life!
Coach: Know what's even funnier than that, Sam?
Sam: What?
Coach: Cliffie spends 30 bucks on a book to win a 20 dollar bet.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah? Well, you lent me the money, Norm. You know I'm never going to pay you back.
Diane: You know, the way you positively revel in each other's defeats is totally reprehensible. Are you ever as pleased with each other's good fortune?
Norm: Who's had any?

Cliff: So, Normie, how's it going? You got Vera pregnant yet?
Norm: Not yet.
Cliff: Well, what's going on there, Norm? It's been a few months. I'm getting a little disappointed here.
Norm: Cliffie, I'm doing my darnedest, all right? Anything to get Vera off my back.
Cliff: Your back? Norm, I think I see a little problem with your technique. Coach, can I have a pencil and a rather large piece of paper?

Nick Tortelli: Carla, see reason.
Norm: Now, look, why don't you take out an ad in the paper. You never really know what the kid's going to look like, but I can't believe that you'd be fussy.
Nick Tortelli: What is this, Days of Our Lives? I want my own. I don't want somebody else's. Mind your own businesses.

Nick Tortelli: Carla, I didn't think you'd be so cold-hearted, but as you are, I have no choice but to do what I'm trying to avoid at all costs.
Carla: What, breathe through your nose?
Nick Tortelli: No. I'm taking you to court.
Carla: Hey, you can't do that.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, no? I happen to have an attorney, Carla, and he assures me that I got a very good case. In fact, he thinks I can get all five kids and you as a maid. I'm letting you off easy.

Carla: Nick, even if I wanted to give you those kids, they wouldn't want to go with you. The young ones don't know who you are, the old ones hate your guts.
Nick Tortelli: I don't believe what I'm hearing. Anthony loves me.
Carla: No, he doesn't. He's the oldest. He's the one who best remembers you walking out on him. He thinks you're a creep.
Nick Tortelli: He thinks I'm cool.
Carla: He calls you scuzball.
Nick Tortelli: He didn't learn language like that from me.
Carla: He didn't learn anything from you!
Sam: Hey, come on. We're getting complaints from the nuclear testing range next door.

Sam: [on the phone] Hi, is this Pequod? Well, this is Sam Malone, here. Yeah, I'd like to make reservations for two in one of your cosier rooms for the weekend. Yeah, that's great. I'll see you Friday night, late. [hangs up]
Diane: Sam, I happened to hear you mention the Pequod.
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: That wouldn't be that charming little inn that you and I went to last fall?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think. This is gonna bother you, isn't it?
Diane: Oh, of course not. Whatever you do now is your own concern. Take a different woman every night.
Sam: Actually, it's easier to have them meet me there.

Sam: Oh, this is gonna bug you, me going there with somebody else, isn't it?
Diane: Not at all.
Sam: Oh, yeah, this is bugging the hell out of you. I tell you what... I tell you what, I'll go someplace else. I understand.
Diane: Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't bug me, as you so eloquently put it.
Sam: Oh, yeah? Tell me this, would you take Frasier there?
Diane: As a matter of fact, Frasier and I have been to several places you and I frequented. It's so refreshing to go to a museum with someone who doesn't slide across the marble floor in their stockinged feet.
Sam: Hey, those paintings look a lot better if you go by fast.

Sam: Hey, Tom, you're a lawyer, right. Can he do this?
Tom: Well, family law is not my specialty. However...
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on there, Oliver Wendell homely. Exactly what is your specialty, blowing the bar exam?
Tom: Hey, I'm gonna pass it this time, wise guy. Don't you worry about it.
Cliff: I'm not worried. You've taken it in every state in New England. Look, Carla, you're talking to a man here who thinks affidavit's a Jewish wine. Now...
Carla: If he knows anything, he knows more than you.
Tom: Thanks.
Cliff: Finish what you were saying, Tom.
Cliff: We can't wait.