Diane: Hester, I was trying to joke with you like you were joking with me. And if you weren't joking then you threatened my life last night-
Hester Crane: I what?
Frasier: What?
Diane: She said that if I didn't stop seeing you, she'd shoot me.
Hester Crane: This was obviously a mistake.
Diane: Oh, no. You know perfectly well you threatened my life!
Frasier: Diane, for heaven's sake.
Hester Crane: I will not stay and be talked to like this. Frasier, she is a rude, boorish, spiteful woman, who, for some reason that I don't understand, resents me terribly.
Frasier: Mother, please.
Diane: Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Diane: I'm not lying. She is. And if you love me, you'll stand up for me now when I need it.
Frasier: But Diane.
Hester Crane: Frasier, I'm asking you to leave with me now.
Diane: Frasier, this is the most important moment in our relationship. If you abandon me now, that's it.
Frasier: Mother, why did you threaten Diane?
Hester Crane: You believe her?
Frasier: Yes.
Hester Crane: Oh, God! I've lost you. Frasier, I did say those terrible things, but, believe me, I had good reason.
Frasier: OK, she said them, but she had good reasons.
Diane: Not good enough!
Frasier: They'd better be good!
Hester Crane: The best in the world. Oh, I wanted to save you from ruining what could be a brilliant career. I just can't stand the picture of you being married to a pseudo-intellectual barmaid. No offence intended.
Diane: None taken. Ca ne fait rien.

Diane: Dr. Crane, I'm sorry if I made a bad first impression, but I think, no, I know, it was a wrong impression. I may be a diamond in the rough now, but I'm a dreamer, and I have a habit of making dreams come true. When and if I marry Frasier Crane, I will be the kind of wife and family you'll be proud to know and claim. Why, people will get tired hearing you boast about your daughter-in-law.
Hester Crane: Diane, I see I've handled this so badly.
Diane: Well, yes... l suppose I've made a few mistakes myself.
Hester Crane: Oh, let's go out and come in again.
Diane: I'd love to.
Frasier: This is the most incredible moment of my entire day. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take you two future best pals out to the finest lunch in town.

Cliff: What all did they do to you down there, Norm?
Norm: Mostly routine stuff. Well, I did take care of one other little matter.
Sam: Like what?
Norm: Oh, I had a little mole removed.
Sam: And you stuck me with it?
Larry: Norm, where did you have a mole?
Cliff: That must have been the one on your butt there, right?
Larry: Norm, I didn't know you were that... vain. Who's ever going to see your rear end?
Norm: You're just about to, wise guy.

Sam: Open this up for me, will you, Coach? Congratulations, and many happy returns.
Norm: Yeah, just as long as you don't go singing "Happy Birthday". Cos I'd really hate that, if you sang "Happy Birthday". Yeah, just because it is my... [turns away and sings] Happy Birthday... [everyone else joins in]
Norm: Cut it out! Come on, now!
[As the singing continues, Coach opens the bottle of champagne. The cork flies off, hits the bell and ricochets off to Norm's forehead, knocking him off his stool.]
Coach: Oh, my God. Norm!
Cliff: Are you OK? You OK, buddy?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. I'm all right. That sucker nearly hit me.
Sam: Hold still now. [removes the cork that's still stuck to Norm's forehead]