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Diane Meets Mom

‘Diane Meets Mom’

Season 3, Episode 8 -  Aired November 22, 1984

Diane is nervous about meeting Frasier's brilliant mother, Dr. Hester Crane (Nancy Marchand). Meanwhile, Norm celebrates his birthday at Cheers.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Mother, I can't believe this of you, a woman who has always been the most gentle, rational human being I've known.
Hester Crane: Oh, my dear boy, you know that I would never follow through on my threat to kill her. You know, as I was pricing revolvers this morning, I realized how irrational my feelings were. But don't you understand? I'd rather see you shoveling sherbet at Howard Johnson's in a silly hat and an apron than make a bad marriage.
Frasier: Mother, you don't understand. We're not going to have a bad marriage. And I'm not going to shovel sherbet. But I would be happy doing it if Diane were at my side.
Hester Crane: Oh, Frasier, I never realized how much this woman meant to you. Of course, I don't really understand why. I never could understand your spider collection either, but I grew to accept that.
Frasier: Diane, she's reaching out. Please.

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Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, we're a little edgy tonight, aren't we? But I guess I can't blame you. Meeting Mom is a big step in a relationship.
Diane: Granted, meeting your prospective fiance's mother, especially when she's an eminent psychiatrist, trained to spot the slightest quirk in a person's behavior, could be a nerve-racking evening, for somebody who's going to be there, but I'm not. Good night.
Carla: Chickening out, huh, Diane?
Diane: Absolutely not. They're 12 seconds late.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: There you are, my darling. At last you two meet. The woman who gave me life and the woman who gives me life.
Diane & Hester: [in unison] Oh, Frasier.
Frasier: Forgive me. I lose my head in the company of beautiful women.

Quote from Diane

Hester Crane: Oh, Frasier, she's lovely. He's always made no secret of the fact, but even he didn't do you justice.
Diane: Well, in an anxiety-provoking situation such as this, one tends to respond with exaggerated compliments. Let me just be frank. You are the most strikingly handsome woman I've ever laid eyes on.
Hester Crane: Oh!
Frasier: Something exciting is happening here. Exciting, but not surprising. I say by the end of the evening you two will be thick as thieves.
Diane: Only if we can't resist the temptation to pig out on cheesecake. [all laugh]
Coach: Hey, Doc, Vic's ready for you upstairs.
Frasier: I hope everybody's got an appetite.
Carla: I'll never eat again.
Diane: Let me hurry on up and make sure we've got a good table. I'm thick with Vic.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Norm! When did you get here?
Norm: 36 years ago today.
Cliff: It's my buddy Norm's birthday today.
Sam: Is that right? Well, I think the birthday of one of my best customers deserves a little of the old bubbly.
Norm: No, no, no.
Sam: Well, maybe you're right.
Norm: Hey.
Sam: Just kidding! Just kidding.
Norm: You got me!

Quote from Norm

Sam: Open this up for me, will you, Coach? Congratulations, and many happy returns.
Norm: Yeah, just as long as you don't go singing "Happy Birthday". Cos I'd really hate that, if you sang "Happy Birthday". Yeah, just because it is my... [turns away and sings] Happy Birthday... [everyone else joins in]
Norm: Cut it out! Come on, now!
[As the singing continues, Coach opens the bottle of champagne. The cork flies off, hits the bell and ricochets off to Norm's forehead, knocking him off his stool.]
Coach: Oh, my God. Norm!
Cliff: Are you OK? You OK, buddy?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. I'm all right. That sucker nearly hit me.
Sam: Hold still now. [removes the cork that's still stuck to Norm's forehead]

Quote from Diane

Hester Crane: Listen and listen carefully. Stop seeing my son or, as God is my witness, I'll kill you.
Frasier: [returns to the table] Something to munch on. [leaves]
Hester Crane: Yum, yum, yum. [to Diane] Now listen to me. I have a gun, I know how to use it.
Frasier: Here we are.
Hester Crane: Oh, doesn't that look lovely? What do you call it?
Frasier: Well, it's a delightful pear liqueur.
Hester Crane: Oh, sounds delicious, doesn't it, Diane?
Diane: Uh... Uh...
Hester Crane: I think she likes it.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, I hate to leave your company again so soon, but I think I must visit the men's room. You know what they say, you only rent a Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
Diane: I'll go with you.
Frasier: Well, Diane, there are some things a man must do alone.
Diane: If you love me, you won't do this now.
Frasier: Well, it's a peculiar test of a man's affection, but I think I'm up to it.

Quote from Diane

Frasier: You know, I've just had an inspiration. What say we go to an intimate cabaret and hear some jazz?
Hester Crane: Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Frasier. How do you feel about it, Diane?
Frasier: Diane, you're white as a sheet. Are you OK?
Diane: I'm a little tired, Frasier. Why don't you two go without me?
Frasier: We wouldn't think of it.
Diane: No, I insist. I'll be fine. I'll call a cab. I wouldn't want to interfere your fun time. Please.
Hester Crane: She's tired. Don't press her. Go home, dear. Rest. You need a night on the town like you need a hole in the head.

Quote from Sam

Sam: So how'd dinner go?
Diane: She wants to kill me.
Sam: You've got to start picking up some checks, Diane.

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