Gregory: [aside to camera] Barbara had mentioned that there were once students here who needed ADA desks, and I doubted that somebody had just thrown those away, so I asked Mr. Johnson if there was storage here. He said, "Yeah, I forgot because I'm a custodian and not some lil' storage-ass ho." Anyway, I went down to the school's basement and I found that. Mrs. Howard was right. We may not be able to do it all... but we'll do what we can.

Gregory: [aside to camera] Me and Taylor? Oh, um, it's... it's fine. It's okay. It's a bit of an awkward situation. You know that saying, don't, you know, where you eat? They should also say, don't do that where her mother eats.

Barbara: Ooh, do y'all feel that? That is some good AC.
Gregory: They got a young Mr. Johnson.
Janine: W...
Gregory: Hi.
Jacob: These walls, the paint's not chipped.
Janine: And they have color.
Gregory: Do you smell that?
Janine: I don't smell anything.
Gregory: Exactly.

Jacob: Whoa, that was awkward. Hey, I hope whatever's going on with you and Taylor can be fixed.
Gregory: Unfortunately, I don't think so. I cannot do another dinner at a restaurant that does small plates with a unique flare.
Jacob: [scoffs] Small plates? Oh, you have to break up. Just call her right now, rip off the Band-Aid.

Janine: Hey! What's up?
Gregory: Just saying hi.
Janine: Oh. That's nice. Hi. How's your day?
Gregory: Surprisingly smooth. I got through 90% of animal habitats, even though it's been a bigger bathroom day than usual.
Janine: Mm.
Gregory: For... For the kids, not for me.

Janine: Jacob just puts so much thought into how he's perceived. And it doesn't hurt anyone, so I figured, why burst his bubble?
Gregory: For one, it could stop him from inviting us to his Living Single rewatch parties. [Janine laughs] It's like, dude, you're in a relationship. I don't... I don't get it.
Janine: But he does get some good guest speakers. He got the guy who played Kyle...

Gregory: [aside to camera] This isn't the first time Micah has disrupted my class. From what I understand, he's obsessed with a TV show about Australian dogs. Blue-ish or something. I don't know. It doesn't matter. What matters is I've tried everything to keep him in line and nothing works. It's gotten to the point where even his classmates are annoyed. Do you know how hard it is to annoy a first grader?
[flashback:]
Micah: Bingo! Bingo! Bingo, Bingo, Bingo!
Gregory: Um, everybody, e-eyes up here.
Micah: Bingo, Bluey!
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: Bluey. The show is called Bluey.

Gregory: [aside to camera] Discipline is an incredibly important part of a child's development. When I was a kid, if I did anything childlike... Yell, run around, just generally have a zest for life... I would be put on time out, and I would have to reckon with the fact that I had committed a failure of character. And that is how I became the well-adjusted man that stands before you today.

Gregory: How are we even supposed to teach? My first graders have never even been to the second floor before. And it takes me 45 seconds at a brisk pace to get all the way up there. It will take the kids forever.
Janine: You time yourself going to the second floor?
Gregory: You don't?

Gregory: Wait, Barbara, is your kindergarten bathroom still working?
Barbara: ... Yes, my private facilities are intact, due to my responsible juice decision.
Janine: Can our kids use it, Barbara? Please? It's a close call getting them to the first floor bathroom as it is.
Gregory: And first graders have the second most combustible bladders.