Dick: Tommy, when did we first land on this planet?
Tommy: January 9th. It was a Tuesday, exactly 8:30 P.M.
Harry: 7:30 Central.

Dick: Let's play Secret Santa. Dr. Anthony? I barely know him. [puts paper back in]
Mary: No, wait.
Dick: Glansberg, Chilton, Lanell-
Mary: Dick, you don't get to choose your person. It's random.
Nina: You pick one name, and it's a secret until the party.
[When Dick picks another name from the bowl, he smiles at Judith]
Dick: Oh. Well, I picked my name, and whoever it is hasn't the foggiest idea. For now until the party, their life will be a topsy-turvy labyrinth of mystery and intrigue.
Judith: For the love of God, let him draw again.
[Dick swallows the piece of paper]

Dick: All this laughing, opening their little presents... who needs Christmas anyway? I say, "Bug humbar."
Nina: You mean, "Bah, humbug."
Dick: "Bah" what?
Nina: You said, "Bug humbar."
Dick: And?
Nina: Well, what does "bug humbar" mean?
Dick: Well, what does "Bah, humbug" mean?
Nina: Forget it.

Harry: Well, hello-ho-ho, everybody, and welcome to Santa's Toyland. Presents, toys and fun for children one to 91. Oh, uh, please note that children 16-91 should not sit on Santa's lap.
Dick: Damn!

Sally: Wow, you've been shopping your butt off.
Woman: Yeah. It's Christmas, right?
Sally: Oh, it's great, isn't it? People buying stuff, lugging bags around, maxing out their credit cards. It's like everyone in the whole world is joined together to embrace financial ruin.
Woman: Merry Christmas.
Sally: Thank you, and have a happy and safe holiday from all of us here at the Rutherford Galleria!

Tommy: She says she has the perfect gift for me, and I have no idea what to get her. Her name is August Lefler.
Santa: [chuckles] Well, I don't know August, but-
Tommy: Well, aren't you supposed to have some kind of list or something?
Santa: [chuckles] Well, I'm afraid I left my list up in the north pole.
Tommy: Oh, great! Can't you have your wife fax it to you or something? I can't screw this up!
Santa: [chuckles] Well, Tommy... Look, you want to make this August chick happy, you're gonna have to drop some cold, hard cash, you know what I'm sayin'?
Tommy: On what? Listen, pork butt, I need model numbers here.
Santa: Get a haircut. You look like a girl.

Mary: It's easy to get carried away, isn't it? You know, a few years ago, I made a batch of my famous rum balls for Christmas. They were so popular that this year, just on a whim, I made 20 batches, enough for the whole department.
Nina: Mmm. It's funny that you would have that much rum around.
Mary: It's the holidays, Nina.
Dick: Yes, Nina, it's the holidays.

Mary: My dad would go out and get the biggest Christmas tree he could find. We'd go caroling, open our house to the neighborhood. All that sharing and generosity...
Dick: [sobs] It's so beautiful. Look how generous I am. I am Christmas!

Santa: Oh, what are they feeding these kids? They weigh a ton!
Harry: Well, you know, I think part of the problem is we're feeding 'em candy. Maybe if we could give them celery or some kind of- [Santa removes his wig] Oh, Santa. What are you- [Santa removes his beard] I mean- It's- You- [screams] No!

Dick: [sings] O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum, that's "Christmas tree" in German. [talks] Now, this is a Christmas tree.
Home Owner: Hey, hey, buddy, can I help you?
Dick: Uh, no, thanks. I have a chain saw. Merry Christmas. [police siren wails] Merry Christmas, officer!