Dick: Look at my foot. It's one big boo-boo.
Harry: Dick, you sound pretty pathetic.
Dick: Is it pathetic to sprain your foot worse than anybody ever in the history of the world?! Sally?!
Sally: Sorry, Dick. But you know nothing about earth pain until you've been a woman, okay? One week every month, I feel like I got a pair of pliers in my pants. You got a boo-boo? I'm in the National Guard of pain.

Tommy: You don't need guilt to get anyone to serve you. We proved that when we were selling candy. All you need to do is remind people they like sex.
Harry: Oh. Wouldn't it be scary if sex and guilt were connected? [all laugh]
Sally: Sex and guilt connected!
Dick: Harry, you're an idiot!
Harry: I know, I know!

Dick: Go on, doctor. Give it to me straight.
Doctor: The ankle looks great.
Dick: Are you sure?
Doctor: Yes, you're all better.
Dick: [sobs] Don't you think you should break it and set it again just to make sure it heals properly?
Doctor: No.
Dick: Doctor, you don't understand. The moment I sprained that foot, my life went from VCR to VCR plus! You've got to help me!
Doctor: Dick, the ankle is healed.
Dick: I won't be treated this way by your heartless HMO! I demand control of my treatment options! Because it's not the length of our time here that matters, it's the quality of our lives! And if you're not qualified to break my foot, then by God, I'll find a doctor who will!

Mary: Sally, what are you doing?
Sally: Eating your soup.
Mary: Well, you can't do that!
Sally: It's not that terrible. You put a bunch of oyster crackers in it, you can barely taste it.
Mary: Don't eat all of these! Dick is lying in there hurt.
Sally: Yeah, well, I'm fine and I'm hungry. Besides, I'm not the one who broke his foot.
Mary: Sprained. Have a little compassion, Sally. We're healthy. We have to help him.
Sally: I say he's lame. Shoot him.

Mary: Oh, Nina I can't tell you how good it is to be among people who brush their own teeth.
Nina: You're not brushing his teeth?
Mary: Do I have any messages?
Nina: 1:00, Dr. Solomon calls, wants to know where you are.
Mary: Oh, God.
Nina: 1:05, Dr. Solomon called again. His foot feels hot. Doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 1:12, Dr. Solomon called. He's hungry. Can you come make him a personal pan pizza? 1:17, Dr. Solomon called. Wants to know if you've forgotten that you were the one that hurt his foot. [phone rings]
Mary: [answers phone; mimics old lady] Hello? No, you have the wrong number. Oh, your foot hurts? Have you tried hitting it with a hammer?

Mary: Oh, hi, Nina. Would you stand up on the desk and adjust that vent? It's blowing right in my face.
Nina: Uh, yeah. I'll get to that real soon. Until then, you just do it yourself, okay?
Mary: Fair enough. Oh hi, Dick. Would you adjust my vent?
Dick: With Nina in the room?
Mary: Get up on the desk and adjust my vent.
Dick: Oh, of course. Nina, please leave the room.

Doctor: That should do it, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Well, that's unbelievable. I feel no pain.
Doctor: Well you may feel some discomfort when the shock wears off.
Dick: No. Obviously, the fall has made me impervious to pain.
Doctor: You should go home and try to stay off your foot as much as possible. Keep it elevated, keep ice on it. Just use good judgment.
Dick: I have excellent judgment. Yep. In fact, Nina, hand me the staple gun.

Mary: What was I thinking? I am so stupid! I am so stupid!
Dick: Mary seems to understand my pain.
Harry: Dick? I too understand your pain. [pokes Dick's foot] It's right here. [Dick screams]

[montage:]
Tommy: Hi, my name's Tommy Solomon. I'm selling chocolate bars to send the high school band to Washington. [door slams]
Tommy: Hey, fat guy! Is this a dream or what?! Candy door to door- [door slams]
Tommy: Hi, father. I'm trying to sell these chocolate bars so the high school band can go to Washington. And learn about Christianity. And become priests. [door slams] Fine then. They'll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!

Harry: Now this is what I call a room. I've got everything a man could need. A piece of plywood, the gnome, a very thin blanket, no food, and my new friend, the crow. Hi, neighbor!
[As Harry caws like a crow, the bird defecates on him]
Harry: Not exactly the house-warming gift I hoped for. But you can't pick your neighbors.