TV Quotes

Tommy: You don't need guilt to get anyone to serve you. We proved that when we were selling candy. All you need to do is remind people they like sex.
Harry: Oh. Wouldn't it be scary if sex and guilt were connected? [all laugh]
Sally: Sex and guilt connected!
Dick: Harry, you're an idiot!
Harry: I know, I know!

Dick: Go on, doctor. Give it to me straight.
Doctor: The ankle looks great.
Dick: Are you sure?
Doctor: Yes, you're all better.
Dick: [sobs] Don't you think you should break it and set it again just to make sure it heals properly?
Doctor: No.
Dick: Doctor, you don't understand. The moment I sprained that foot, my life went from VCR to VCR plus! You've got to help me!
Doctor: Dick, the ankle is healed.
Dick: I won't be treated this way by your heartless HMO! I demand control of my treatment options! Because it's not the length of our time here that matters, it's the quality of our lives! And if you're not qualified to break my foot, then by God, I'll find a doctor who will!

Sally: Plus, we don't need him. I have a plan.
Don: You do?
Sally: Yeah, I'm gonna flood the hole with 3,000 gallons of water, and then Dick and Harry'll just float to the top.
Don: What if they don't float?
Sally: Well... then they're witches.

Sally: All right. What have we got, Tommy?
Tommy: The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee. When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table. She also claims they were still wet.
Sally: Is this a fact, sir?
Mrs. Dubcek: He moved my stuff.
Sally: I am not talking to you.
Mrs. Dubcek: I'm saying, I went-
Sally: Zip it! Tommy... [clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
Tommy: The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Sally: Now, was it moist?
Man: It was damp.
Sally: Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.