‘Guilty as Dick’
Season 2, Episode 15 - Aired February 2, 1997
Mary feels guilty after Dick injures himself while helping her out. Meanwhile, Harry wants a room of his own, and Tommy tries to sell chocolate bars to raise money for a field trip.
Quote from Harry
Dick: What is that?
Tommy: 93.9, The Wave.
Harry: The best of the '70s, '80s and today.
Dick: Well, I know what it is, but where is it coming from?
Harry: From my new tree entertainment system! Oh, look! The squirrels are getting it on to Marvin Gaye.
Quote from Mary
Mary: That bastard!
Tommy: There goes Mexican night.
Mary: Oh, it's Mexican night all right. Mexican prison night.
Sally: I say we stick a bucket on his head and whack him with a bat like a pinata and we don't stop till candy comes out! Tommy, Harry, let's go!
Mary: Well, wait a minute, Sally! What about me? He's taken advantage of me worse than any of you.
Sally: He made me cut up his food and feed it to him.
Mary: He made me sing to his foot!
Sally: He made me take his temperature... the hard way. Besides, I don't think you have what it takes to get even.
Mary: I have a metal bucket and three softball bats.
Sally: That's a pretty good start.
Quote from Tommy
Tommy: Sorry I'm late, coach.
Coach: Hey, anybody who can sell 15 boxes of chocolate in my class can be a little tardy. What's your secret, champ?
Tommy: Well, you know I just kept thinking about sending the band to Washington.
Coach: Well, they're gonna owe you some real thanks when they get back next week.
Tommy: Wait, what? They're coming back?
Coach: Well, yeah.
Tommy: All right, which one of you tools sold enough chocolate to buy them a return ticket?! Eh? Hey, you look at me when I'm talking to you! Come here!
Quote from Harry
Harry: Dick, I've been watching TV and I think you can walk without these crutches.
Dick: No, I can't.
Harry: This man says that he cannot walk, but I say that he can. I say I feel the spirit in Dick Solomon. Now stand up and walk.
Dick: But my foot is broken.
Harry: Oh, foot's broken. Those are just words! Now deep inside and walk, my brother! Walk!
Dick: [falls] Aah!
Harry: Stay in bed, my brother. Stay in bed.
Quote from Sally
Sally: Guilt is like a belly button that doesn't even collect lint. It's a wasted emotion that just nags and nags and nags and nags...
Harry: Until Dick falls out of the tree. [they mock scream]
Dick: Maybe guilt is some kind of ancient guidance system. A stealth emotion designed to make people help each other out even if they don't want to.
Sally: If I could just break that code, I could get you all to serve me.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Why is she doing this?
Nina: Sit back and relax. You're in pain, she knows she caused it, she feels guilty.
Dick: Wha- Why should she be guilty? I'm not in pain. I have a superhuman threshold for pain.
Nina: Okay.
[Dick screams after firing the staple gun into his foot and leg.]
Quote from Harry
Harry: I'm sick of sleeping on the washing machine. Oh, sure, a vibrating bed impresses the ladies... but I want my own room! Dick said that I could have one.
Sally: No. Dick said that under no circumstances could you have your own room.
Harry: Let's not quibble over semantics. Besides, you guys have your own rooms.
Sally: I sleep in a storage space behind Dick's chimney.
Tommy: And my room is an un-insulated alcove overlooking a toilet.
Harry: Room with a view rub it in.
Sally: Harry, you can't sleep in the hallway!
Harry: Home wrecker!
Quote from Dick
Mary: Here, let me elevate that foot.
Dick: No touching! No touching! No touching. Ooh, what did my body ever do to deserve this? What did I ever do to you?! Mary, turn it off!
Mary: Well, I can't. The doctor said he doesn't give drugs for a sprain. But that's good news, isn't it? It's not broken.
Harry: Well, I heard sometimes a sprain can be worse than a break.
Sally: Oh, is that one worse?!
Dick: Yes, it is! Much worse!
Mary: Well, I said I was sorry! Can I fix you something to eat?
Dick: Just fix my foot! I don't care if I starve, just fix my foot!
Quote from Harry
Sally: Harry, what are you doing in here?
Harry: Dancing to the natural sounds of plumbing.
Sally: Okay, well, get out 'cause I've got to use the bathroom.
Harry: You can't kick me out of my own room!
Sally: Okay, pilgrim. It's your funeral. [unbuttons pants]
Harry: Oh, dear God! No, no, no, no, no!
Quote from Dick
Dick: Oh, Tommy, make me a sandwich.
Tommy: You have a sandwich right there.
Dick: I know, but Mary cut it in half, and not diagonally and that hurts my foot.