Tommy: You know, this day has been hell! I think I met one nice guy all day.
Dick: How many bars did he buy?
Tommy: Oh, none. But he sold me this nice set of encyclopedias.

Dick: Sally?! Sally?! [wails]
Sally: God, what?!
Dick: I can't reach the remote.
Sally: It's right there!
Dick: But I can't get to it, Sally.
Sally: So?!
Dick: Oh, Lieutenant. Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? To be robbed of your freedom by an injury? To be a burden on your family? Oh, God, how you must hate me!
Sally: I'm experiencing the strangest sensation. I feel bad that you feel bad and even though I know it'll be annoying, I just can't seem to fight it. Dick, can I get you anything?!
Dick: Make me a sandwich and cut it diagonally.
Sally: Okay.
Dick: [stands up] Oh, you forgot the remote! [dances] My foot! It's better! No!

Harry: So you're telling me that in this colorful, monochrome wrapper is a bar of chocolate?
Tommy: That's right. Delicious chocolate. Now, how far would you walk for a bar of chocolate?
Harry: To get a bar of chocolate, or at the request of a bar of chocolate?
Tommy: To get.
Harry: Oh, 53 miles.
Tommy: Well, now you can have chocolate in your own home.
Harry: In my own home?!
Tommy: That's right. Now, how much would you pay for that?
Harry: For my own home or for a bar of chocolate?
Tommy: Bar of chocolate.
Harry: Ah. [door slams] Well, we tried. [Tommy kicks Harry] Ow!
Tommy: [knocks again] Excuse me, my friend hurt his leg. Could you help us out and buy a chocolate bar?

Tommy: I've cold called, I've direct mailed. I can't afford a pay-per-view special. Nothing works.
Man: This isn't my problem, buddy.
Tommy: Well, just help out an incredibly screwed kid and buy a chocolate bar.
Man: If I bought every stupid thing that came to my door...
Sally: Tommy, forget it. The guy's not buying anything.
Man: ...I'd be living up to my pledge to help every kid who came to my door. Cash or check?
Sally: How 'bout both?
Tommy: Oh, come on! That is just so cheap! God! [Tommy and Sally walk off]
Man: I really want some candy!

Dick: You're right. What good is a tree house visit when death is only moments away?
Sally: What?
Dick: Tonight's meal may be my last. And you know what that means? Mexican night!
Sally: I think I hate you, Dick. Tommy, Harry! We gotta go back to the store! It's Mexican night!
Both: [o.s.] Oh, great!
Sally: You know what is so weird, Dick? I don't know if it's, uh, what you're saying or how you're saying it, but, um all that stuff that used to make me want to help you, well, now it's just pissing me off!
Dick: Oh, and Sally?
Sally: What?!
Dick: Corn tortillas, not flour.
Sally: Si, se

Dick: Oh. Hi. The, um... the ladder appears to be disconnected.
Sally: [holding garden sheers] Funny how that happened, eh?
Mary: That must be painful up there on that ladder with that terrible, terrible sprain.
Dick: Ah, yeah it hurts a lot.
Sally: Hey, Dick, how did you get up there?
Dick: Well, uh you know how it is.
Tommy: No, tell us.
Dick: Could one of you just, uh grab the end of the ladder and pull it in?
Mary: Gee, I don't know. It's awfully far.
Harry: My arm hurts.
Tommy: Yeah, it smarts.
Dick: Well, why don't you let me down and I'll have a look at them?

Mary: Admit it, Dick! You're a liar!
Sally: you manipulated us! You tortured us!
Dick: It just happened! It's nobody's fault! [rope snaps lower] Okay, okay, okay! It's my fault. [rope snaps lower again] You fortitude just felt so good. So appropriate. I'm sorry.
Mary: That's better.
[Dick screams as he falls down and pulls the rope with him]
Sally: Wow, now that's gotta hurt.
[The tree house collapses and falls down]
Tommy: Not as much as that.