Dick: I'm working on a project and I need your help. Sit down, dear. Nina how does a lonely, single woman like you find companionship?
Nina: I'm not lonely, Dr. Solomon. I have a boyfriend.
Dick: Sure you do. Sure you do. Let's pretend that you didn't, shall we? How do you go about finding a lover?
Nina: If I had to, I'd try a church group, the personal ads, or maybe even the internet.
Dick: And yet, with all these bright ideas, you still remain miserable and alone. It's such a pity.
Nina: I have a boyfriend! You're the only reason I'm miserable!

Dick: Nina, you don't understand.
Nina: I'm almost engaged.
Dick: So, have you also struck out at singles bars?
Nina: Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, and I do, hanging out with a bunch of horny drunk guys has never been my scene.
Dick: So, if you've never tried it, it just might work! Thank you so much. Oh, and, uh, Nina if I were you, I wouldn't rule out the bars. Those drunken horny guys might just overlook that sour personality of yours.
Nina: I have a boyfriend!

Mary: Dick, why did you bring me here? Everyone here is half my age and twice as good-looking.
Dick: Mary, you could jump back into this game in a second. You're tough competition for all these women.
Mary: Thank you, Dick.
Dick: You've been around the block more than any of them and they know it. Not to mention you could drink most of these men under the table. You are not a loser.
Mary: Loser? I never said-
Dick: Mary, repeat after me. "I am not a beast."

Dick: [on the phone] Hello, Rutherford Hardware? Yes, you have an ad here for something called a "stud finder". Does this thing- Does this thing really work? Yeah, good, because I need a man who- Hello? Hello? [hangs up] Idiot!

Nina: Dr. Solomon, weren't you already warned about skipping class to make phony phone calls?
Dick: I don't have time to teach class today.
Nina: Well, when this kind of "emergency" happens, you should let me know. There's a visiting lecturer who's dying to substitute for you.
Dick: You know someone who can replace me?
Nina: Yeah. His name's Gary Hemmings.
Dick: Gary. Don't like it, but a name can change. So, tell me about this Gary. Is he quick-witted, well-tempered, virile?
Nina: Uh, maybe I should just go get him.
Dick: Does he like to see snowflakes fall on the face of his beloved? Will he wipe away the sleep from her eyes, only to be blinded by the sunshine of her flawless complexion? Does he have just the tiniest of crushes on Harrison Ford?
Gary Hemmings: [enters] Dr. Solomon? Uh, Nina said you wanted to see me.
Dick: It's like looking into a mirror. My God, you're gorgeous!

Dick: Gary, I've lived in Rutherford for five years now. I am arguably the most celebrated professor in Pendelton and I am dating a major hottie. Does this sound like a life that Gary Hemmings could lead?
Gary Hemmings: Well, yes, professor. I've always wanted to be where you are.
Dick: Good, because, Gary, I could be called away at any moment. You need not know why. And when that happens, I'll need the right man to step in and take my place.
Gary Hemmings: Are you offering me a full-time position?
Dick: Potentially. It all depends on how you and Mary hit it off.
Gary Hemmings: Mary? I had no idea Dr. Albright was so influential.
Dick: Hemmings, get your head into the game. If Mary doesn't like you, none of this will work.
Gary Hemmings: Well, I certainly hope she likes me. After all, there's plenty of solid experience under my belt.
Dick: And that's exactly where it will stay until I'm gone, all right? Until then, I suggest you focus on flowers, chocolates, and ceramic fiddle-playing cats.

Rita: Thanks for waiting. I can't find my tarot cards. Gimme your hand.
Harry: Okay, but a guy walkin' around with a bottle of honey I sure hope that no accidents happen!
[Harry grabs Rita's hand, twists her arm and squirts honey all over her back]
Rita: What the- Oh! [screams]
Harry: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz!
Rita: What are you doing?
Harry: Now, Sally!
Sally: Okay. What?
Harry: Release the killer bees! [Rita screams]
Sally: I don't have any killer bees.
Harry: I knew it. I kinda thought that was gonna happen.
Sally: Well, you should have told me the plan, man!
Harry: Well, you told me not to!

Dick: Look at them. My girlfriend and her future lover. Aren't they beautiful? It's a perfect match. You've done well, Dick Solomon. Too well.

Harry: It's gonna be tricky. I mean, who knows what lies beneath that muumuu.
Sally: Dick?
Dick: Well, what are you two doing here?
Sally: Dick, this psychic is dangerous to the mission. Harry is moments away from making love to her to death.
Dick: Good plan. But first, I have to talk to her.
Harry: Oopt, upt, upt. There will be plenty of time for talk during my two-and-a-half hours of foreplay.

Dick: I command you to suspend this eroticide until I have spoken to Rita. I have to find out when we're leaving this planet.
Sally: Why?
Dick: I finally found the perfect replacement for myself.
Harry: Well, that's great!
Dick: It is great for Mary. But I planned this selfless act, I had no idea how it would affect me! It's heartbreaking. I've got to find out how much time I have left with my beloved.
Sally: Well, what would make you happy, Dick? Ten years?
Dick: Ten short years? Is that what you think?
Harry: Well, it could be ten months.
Dick: Ten tiny months? I'm as good as gone already!
Sally: Well, Dick, you found your replacement. Face it. From now on, you're just a temp.
Dick: You're right. The only thing standing between Mary and true love is me. Oh, if only I'd seen this coming! Damn you, Rita! I wanna kill you myself! But how do you kill someone who can predict the future?