Dick: Look, there's no need to delay the inevitable, Gary, my son, my brother, my protege... me.
Gary Hemmings: You mean, I've got the job? When do I start, sir?
Dick: Well, Mary's last class starts at 3:00, so if you can coax her to a happy hour at 5:00, you should be in the sack by 7:00.
Gary Hemmings: What? Wait a minute. I'm not sleeping with Dr. Albright just to get the job.
Dick: What do you mean? Sleeping with Mary is the job! Well, part of it anyway. She likes to shop, too.
Gary Hemmings: I just wanna teach physics. That's all I've ever wanted.
Dick: We had a deal!
Mary: [enters] Hey, guys. Chicken Jerusalem in the cafeteria.
Gary Hemmings: Dr. Albright, you may be a handsome woman and I would certainly love a position here at the university, but I am not going to sleep with you! Good-bye!
Mary: Okay, that's fair. Dick... guess what I wanna know.
Dick: [groans] They call it "Chicken Jerusalem" because they make it with Jerusalem artichokes.

Dick: By the way, did you take care of that security risk?
Harry: I'm on top of it.
Dick: Oh, Harry, mission accomplished?
Harry: No, not yet. I just came down to get some water.
Sally: What is taking so long?
Harry: I don't know! She just keeps gettin' stronger!
Sally: Look, now just remember, Harry, the entire mission is counting on you, so keep it up!
Harry: Easier said than done.

Harry: Oh, no, the door's locked. She knew we were coming. She is for real!
Sally: Relax, Harry. Let's not jump to any conclusions. Look, there's a note on the door. Be back at 12:30. See, 12:40 now. She didn't even know she'd be late.
Rita: I think your watch is fast.
Sally: Oh, yeah. That's right. I set it ten minutes fast 'cause I always found that I was always...
Rita: Running late.
Sally: Yeah. Uh, that's right. Well, we better get going. Um, our bus is gonna pick us up at the, uh...
Rita: Bus stop.
Sally: Uh-huh. Harry, do you have any of those...
Rita: Tokens?
Sally: Oh, my God! [Harry screams]

Bartender: Excuse me, you work with that guy?
Mary: Yes, I work with Dick. Why?
Bartender: Let's not cause a scene. We don't want your kind here. Find your Johns in some other bar.
Mary: What? [a bouncer grabs Mary]
Dick: Hey, hey what's going on here?
Mary: Dick, they think I'm a hooker!
Dick: A hooker? Yeah, Mary! You still got it, baby!

Dick: Mary Albright, Gary Hemmings, a brilliant physicist. I've taken him under my wing and I'm grooming him for his most important challenge of all.
Gary Hemmings: Nice to finally meet you, Dr. Albright.
Dick: Oh, by all means, call her "Mary." Oh, or "Puddin' Nose."
Mary: Or Dr. Albright.

Rita: My customers only ask about their problems. Nobody cares about mine.
Sally & Harry: [in unison] Aw, we care.
Rita: Aw, bless your hearts! [laughing] I see a sad little girl from a small farm-
Sally: Blah, blah, blah. How does it all end?
Rita: Excuse me?
Sally: Well, just skip the middle and get to the end. How you ya die?
Rita: Die?
Sally: Yeah.
Rita: Well... I've always had the clear vision of myself dying during a passionate night of lovemaking. Not a bad way to die, huh? Not at all!
Sally: [laughing] But a horrible way to kill. Right, Harry?
Harry: All right.

Mary: Why doesn't Gary wanna sleep with me?
Dick: Oh, because he's an idiot. Now I don't know what's gonna become of you when I'm gone.
Mary: Oh, my God, Dick. You're not dying, are you?
Dick: No, I'm not. But what if I did? That psychic scared me. She made me think about the future. What would happen to you if I weren't around anymore? I thought Gary could replace me, but now I don't wanna be replaced!
Mary: You're not saying that you were trying to fix Gary and me up?
Dick: Yes! It was the hardest thing I ever had to do!