Dwight K. Schrute: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is- That is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it.
Toby: I- I don't know if there's truth to- To, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Uh... Uh...
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight K. Schrute: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I don't...
Dwight K. Schrute: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where are gay mens' vaginas?
Toby: They- They don't have vaginas.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Toby: No. They're just regular men.
Dwight K. Schrute: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?
Toby: Uh... Wow!

Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge!
Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this...
Pam: [on the phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... Your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "Hey, kool-aid." Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete: Did she buy it?
Pam: Basically I couldn't tell, but I think...
Nellie: Were they angry?
Pam: I- I thought they were confused at least...
Nellie: Okay.
Erin: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam: These are my painting clothes. I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]
Meredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam? Queen of the primer, that one.

Jim: Today, I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam: Last week, Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam: Tell them your opening line.
Jim: [sighs] "Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?"
Pam: I think it's good. He likes fishing.
Jim: This is gonna be awful.

Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.

Angela: I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband?
Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sighs] Alright, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela: Something like that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela: Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight K. Schrute: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Text went through.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: All we can do is sit and wait.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.

Stanley: Why should we help you?
Jim: Because we're friends.
Stanley: When is my birthday?
Jim: Unfair. When's my birthday?
Stanley: I don't know, because we're not friends.
Jim: How about this, you let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley: Now we're talkin'.

Hide: You paint wall now?
Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that...
Hide: You paint now?
Pam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide: I wait.

Dwight K. Schrute: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor: And that's all off the books?
Angela: Obviously.
Trevor: Nice. No taxes.
Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor: So what's the job?
Angela: Murder.
Trevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big "M."

Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor: What about a knee-capping?
Dwight K. Schrute: No! You're not helping, Trevor.
Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela: You said you would be there for me.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm trying, but what you're asking is-
Angela: It's the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.
Trevor: All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back.