Stanley: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.

Michael Scott: The word "merger" comes from the word "marriage" and that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires!
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good! Come on! Come on!
Karen: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim: Does he ever.

Martin: What is with this guy?
Stanley: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.

Stanley: Trust me, it only gets worse.
Martin: Is he always like this?
Ryan: Sometimes he brings more costumes.
Hannah: When do people work?
Phyllis: Oh, we find little times during the day.
Karen: How are we gonna get home?
Phyllis: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Karen: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

Jan: [on the phone] Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Michael Scott: I did. Major personnel crisis averted. Compliment accepted.
Jan: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jan: You do?
Michael Scott: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my number two.
Jan: What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: He is the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos.

Michael Scott: So, after a great deal of thought and introspectivtion, I have decided to make Jim my new number two.
Dwight K. Schrute: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.
Jim: No, it does, actually.
Dwight K. Schrute: So who will be your new number three?
Michael Scott: That I have not decided yet.
Andy: Michael, I would just like to say that you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I have to say that your leadership has brought-
Michael Scott: Shut it. Shut it. That's- Suck-up.

Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where you at, Filippelli?
Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Jim: What's wrong, you didn't have a good first day?
Karen: Oh, my God!

Martin: Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me! They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out, it's so hateful. "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us! That is why you suck!"
Hannah: For crying out loud.
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it! You are playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do! Don't, okay.

Andy: Oh, speaking of time machines? I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came.
Dwight K. Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die?
Andy: Oh. That was a really well-constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-Not University.
Dwight K. Schrute: Idiot!
Andy: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am.
Dwight K. Schrute: If you were driving a Trans Am, you'd be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy: [coughing] Idiot!
Dwight K. Schrute: [coughing] You're the idiot.
Andy: [coughing] Nice comeback.
Dwight K. Schrute: [coughing] I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked. [to camera] I totally got the best of that interchange.