Pam: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building, and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose. Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go! You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby! I should probably get back to work.

Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela: Well, maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael Scott: Whoa, Angela, hold on. Hooters is a restaurant with over 400 locations worldwide.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, who reports to who?
Michael Scott: I don't care, Dwight! You all report to me. That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay?
Dwight K. Schrute: And then if I want-
Michael Scott: Work it out amongst yourselves, please! I have a company to run. Will you let me run the company?
Dwight K. Schrute: I- One-
Michael Scott: Will you? Please?

Michael Scott: Let's face it, moving to a new job can be very stressful, so I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny.
It's got a little bit of a zing to it. And I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin, and what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together. And watch "Lazy Scranton".
Michael Scott: [on video, rapping] Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'! Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty So check out how we live In the Electric City! They call it Scranton! What? The Electric City! Scranton! What? The Electric City! Call Poison Control if you're bit by a spider! But check that it's covered By your healthcare provider! You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em? Well, check it out, yo the Anthracite Museum Plenty of space in the parkin' lot! But the little cars go in the compact spot! Spot! Spot! Spot!

Pam: How'd the run go?
Toby: Pretty good. I finished.
Pam: That's great.
Dwight K. Schrute: Why is that great?
Pam: Because he accomplished something.
Dwight K. Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight K. Schrute: I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, well, my feet don't, and I can still crush that time.
Pam: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake.

Ryan: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Jim: Hey. How are you, man? Good to see you.
Ryan: I'm good. How are you? So...
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now?
Ryan: Yeah. Um... unless you really, really want it back.
Jim: You know, man, it's really your call.
Ryan: Cool, thank you. [sits down]
Jim: Let me get that for you.

Ryan: Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed into the conference room, or should I say the banquet hall? For Drum roll, please. [making drum roll sound] The official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in! Don't be shy.
Meredith: Hey, champagne.
Michael Scott: No, no, guests only.
Kelly: Smoked salmon!
Michael Scott: No, for the guests it is, for you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly: I eat beef.
Michael Scott: Well, then, consider it poisoned beef. It's no touchee.
Kevin: The beef is poisoned?
Michael Scott: No, it's not beef!

Jim: It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day, The Scranton Witch Project.

Michael Scott: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the integration celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one, united in applause.