Stanley: [grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go.
Stanley: Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.
Dwight K. Schrute: The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order.
Stanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.
Pete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up.

Angela: Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
Senator: Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.
Angela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs]

Dwight K. Schrute: Andy, I need to talk to you.
Andy: Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!

Clark: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale.
Stanley: Pass.
Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.
Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha—
Dwight K. Schrute: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley]
Clark: Holy [bleep].
Stanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your—ooh—
Dwight K. Schrute: [fires tranquilizer gun twice more]
Stanley: [falls to the floor]
Dwight K. Schrute: It's all right. Andy approved it.

Meredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now.
Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.
Clark: You gave him three shots.

Dwight K. Schrute: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! Oh, God. No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.

Dwight K. Schrute: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside.
Clark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
Clark: That's actually really smart.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.

Clark: Hey, wait, wait, how- How are we doing this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters.
Clark: Just say "arms" and "legs," okay? That just- That's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine, let's go. [grunts] Hoist his shank on three.
Clark: Wha- What's a shank?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's by the tenderloin.

Senator: [on TV] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest, I am gay.
Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?
Reporter #2: Question for the Senator's beard.
Senator: I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual.
Pete: Poor Angela.
Phyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela.
Senator: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how...charmless I find the female body.
Meredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one.