Dwight K. Schrute: Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim: I promised other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim: You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim: You wouldn't dare.
Dwight K. Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.
Jim: [quietly] If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?

Oscar: My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?

Meredith: Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting...

Andy: Something's definitely wrong.
Oscar: I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Angela: Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.

Dwight K. Schrute: I just really, really think we should handle this internally.
Ryan: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.

Dwight K. Schrute: There he is! Our hero! You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.
Andy: Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.

Phyllis: How's your hearing?
Andy: Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I was talking like this. [mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.

Pam: You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Jim: Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank God.
Jim: Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in "Shagadelic, baby," at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?
Dwight K. Schrute: What's jazz hands?
Jim: [does jazz hands]
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine.

Jo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it, it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo: What?!
Dwight K. Schrute: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse-
Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same- You shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight K. Schrute: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.

Andy: What's going on?
Gabe: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. [crying] I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy: No, this is horrifying.
Gabe: No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?
Andy: We're just friends, okay?
Gabe: Do you promise that?
Andy: Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?
Gabe: No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying.