‘Andy's Ancestry’
Season 9, Episode 3 - Aired October 4, 2012
Nellie gets her own back on Andy when she fakes a genealogy report, leading his co-workers to think his family may once have owned slaves. Meanwhile, Dwight helps Erin learn a new language, Pam prepares Nellie for a driving test, and Darryl grows fed up of the way his ideas are treated.
Quote from Jim
Andy: What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True- [touches his nose] Oh, no.
Quote from Erin
Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there.
Quote from Nellie
Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs] Yeah! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam: What?
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam: Sure.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.
Quote from Andy
Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy: As in...
Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy: Wow.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.
Quote from Darryl
Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim: This is really good, Darryl.
Darryl: Life hacking, man.
Quote from Andy
Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me-
Andy: [shushing Jim] Right now I need canned tuna, okay?
Quote from Darryl
Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, so, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [makes whip cracking sound]
Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were slave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
[everyone raises their hands.]
[to camera:]
Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.
Quote from Kevin
Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela: Ew.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Andy: Dwight's grandfather was a-
Dwight K. Schrute: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...[clears throat]
Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! [laughs]
Quote from Darryl
Jim: You doing alright, man?
Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.