‘Vive La Hecks’
Season 9, Episode 1 - Aired October 3, 2017
After Axl returns from his trip around Europe with a man-bun and a new, relaxed European outlook on life, Mike wants to push him to get a job. Sue is determined to cram as many summer activities as she can into the next days before she returns to college. Meanwhile, Brick decides to break up with Cindy so he can enjoy his "big sophomore year", and Frankie searches for a family item she can put in the Orson time capsule so the Hecks will be remembered.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, I just found out what the Donahues are putting in their time capsule. They took a family photo in the same place every day for a year, then Dottie made a movie of it, and Sean wrote a song to go along with it. So their time capsule is perfect, and, um, what do we have? A chipped bowl, bent fork. Oh, a note from Sue that says, "Having a heavy period. Please pick me up super tampons," which I now realize I forgot to do. So, that's where we are.
Mike: More importantly, am I allowed to tell the French chef to throw away his bologna wrappers?
Frankie: Mike, I'm serious. This is our legacy. We're not gonna be here forever, and when we're gone, will people remember us? Will people remember that the Hecks were here? What if they don't and we're erased from history?
Mike: I'm pretty sure history will be fine with that.
Quote from Axl
Sue: Don't mind me. Just making my signature summer drink. [blender whirrs]
Axl: Not that I care, but why are you trying to cram a whole summer into just two days?
Sue: Uh, because I spent the rest of my summer making money?
Axl: Mm. [inhales sharply] "Want to buy this. I got to have that." Sue. Sue, Sue, Sue. You got blinders on! You got red, white, and blue blinders on, and you're missing the big picture. You got a huge hole, and you're trying to fill it with stuff. Well, I've been on the other side, and I'm here to tell you money is not the answer. Only thing that's gonna fill that hole is love. [spits] Can I borrow 20 bucks? This wine tastes like butt.
Frankie: Hey! That's our special wine from Missouri wine country. You just tell them what kind of berries you like and how much sugar, and they make it for you right on the spot.
Quote from Sue
Sue: I need the TV asap. I got to binge-watch 13 Reasons Why, and I'm only up to the fourth reason. I got a bad feeling about it, but I'm gonna stick with it 'cause I think it has a happy ending.
Quote from Cindy
Frankie: Brick, are you sure that this is the right time?
Mike: And place?
Brick: What are you talking about? You guys are the ones who told me that I was overthinking and to just break up with her already.
Cindy: So this was their idea?
Brick: Yes.
Cindy: Is this because your mom is so controlling and your dad has no emotional depth?
Brick: Yes.
Cindy: Is it because your brother and sister sucked up all your parents' love and they didn't leave any for you?
Brick: Yes.
Frankie: Okay, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't put this all on us. And you could've put a little more effort into your Planet Nowhere test.
Quote from Cindy
Cindy: I can't believe this is happening, and right at the beginning of our big sophomore year.
Mike: Did we miss something?
Cindy: And to think I let you see me hatless. I am white with rage right now.
Axl: Uh, if she threw a baguette at his head, this could've totally happened on the street in Paris.
Cindy: You destroyed our love. Now I'll destroy something you love.
Brick: No, not the microfiche!
[Cindy kicks Frankie]
Frankie: [gasps] Ow! Damn it, I just got rid of my other bruise. [door slams]
Brick: Well, that went way better than expected.
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Mike, your son's gonna be home from Europe any second. Where's your "you"?
Mike: I told you I'm not holding that. [Frankie sighs]
Sue: Ooh! He's on Plum Street!
Frankie: Get up! Get up! He's almost here!
Mike: Keep your pants on. I'll get up when he's on Birchwood.
Sue: He's on Birchwood!
Mike: My boy's almost home!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, Brick, it's show time! Start recording.
Brick: I had my phone a minute ago.
Frankie: [sighs] Really? Hey, at least I'm attempting to help. I don't recall anyone ever holding a sign saying they missed me.
Mike: Go somewhere and we'll miss you.
Frankie: Here. Use my phone, and make sure you press the right button. We don't want to miss this like we missed Sue's thing.
Sue: Wait, what thing of mine did you miss?
Quote from Brick
Sue: Oh! He's here!
Frankie: Okay, what are we gonna say?
Sue: How about, "Surprise!"
Mike: It's not a surprise. He knows we live here.
Brick: Okay, then, how about, "Here we are, as expected!"
Frankie: Watch your tone.
Brick: Oh, so Dad has carte blanche on attitude?
Quote from Mike
Frankie: Okay, what is wrong? I thought you said you were happy for him.
Mike: Briefly happy. Now wanting him to get a job.
Frankie: Well, obviously, he's gonna get a job.
Mike: Not with that thing on his head, he's not.
Frankie: Oh, that's just the way the guys wear their hair over there.
Mike: Really? The guys do?
Quote from Sue
Sean: Hey, Suzy Q!
Sue: Hey, Sean! What are you doing here? You know I don't have a dance to go to. [laughs]