‘Vive La Hecks’
Season 9, Episode 1 - Aired October 3, 2017
After Axl returns from his trip around Europe with a man-bun and a new, relaxed European outlook on life, Mike wants to push him to get a job. Sue is determined to cram as many summer activities as she can into the next days before she returns to college. Meanwhile, Brick decides to break up with Cindy so he can enjoy his "big sophomore year", and Frankie searches for a family item she can put in the Orson time capsule so the Hecks will be remembered.
Quote from Axl
Frankie: We want to hear about Vienna.
Axl: No, we were in Venezia. That's Venice. Anyway, now, I'm headed toward Firenze... that's, uh, Florence...
and all I know, Kenny's headed to Roma... that's Rome.
Mike: Yeah, we had that one figured out.
Axl: Long story short, I end up in a tiny Italian village called Bondeno. The station's closing, my cellphone is dead, I have no idea where Kenny is, the only thing I can say in Italian is "Fuggedaboutit."
Frankie: This is insane. I would be freaking out.
Sue: I went to meet Carly at the wrong Panera Bread once, and I called 911.
Axl: But I found the station manager. I noticed he had a Yankees' hat on, so I chased this guy down. Not only does he speak English, he invites me to his family's restaurant, and he gives me a manual with all the train schedules so I can figure out how to find Kenny. [Brick raises his hand] Yes, you can have the manual.
Quote from Axl
Axl: As a matter of fact, I brought everybody presents. Mom, you're first.
Frankie: Did you hear that, Mike? I'm first. I've never gotten a gift from a foreign land before. Except when Rusty brought me back those antibiotics from Mexico.
Axl: Pasta Paws from Guillermo's restaurant. [chuckles] This way, you can really get in there and [Italian accent] mix up the pasta.
Frankie: Wow! Ooh, and they pick up cheese faster than fingers. Look!
Axl: Dad, got you a authentic Bavarian beer stein.
Mike: I like it!
Frankie: Mm!
Axl: With an authentic Bavarian beer.
Mike: Now I like it even more.
Axl: Brick, I got you Planet Nowhere translated into French.
Brick: Wow! Do I still get the manual?
All: Yes!
Quote from Sue
Axl: And last, but not least... [Sue gasps] Huh? Ah? Ah? Huh? [Sue squeals] It's a grain of rice with your name on it and a tiny Eiffel Tower.
Sue: Oh! I love it! [chuckles] Oh, it's so... small! So much better than Dad's perfect mug and Brick's really thoughtful and cool French book! [chuckles] Oh! [sighs] Nobody move, and don't vacuum.
Frankie: No danger of that.
Quote from Axl
Axl: Oh! Hey, listen, Dad, I, uh, know you weren't a big fan of letting me go on this trip, but anyways, I, um, I'm glad you did. Just wanted to say thanks.
Mike: Well, I appreciate that, Axl. So, now that you're back on home soil, what's next on the agenda?
Axl: [Italian accent] A snoozy time. [normal voice] I am exhausted. Yeah. But hey, if I'm not up by dinner tomorrow night, wake me up? And if you're going to the store, pick me up a jumbo conditionarre y una champu grande, per favore. Mille grazie!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: I can't believe our son traveled around Europe. Our son on another continent! And didn't you love his stories? I mean, come on. Those stories were great. You never hear stories like that in Orson.
Mike: I was kind of waiting for the story that ended with him looking for a job.
Frankie: What? Mike, he just got home.
Mike: Yeah, after three months of delaying looking for a job.
Frankie: He wasn't delaying getting a job. He was having an experience. Look, life is not about things. It's about experiences. We wouldn't know that 'cause we don't have things or experiences, but clearly, it is!
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, why are you so worried about this?
Mike: I'm not worried. Giving him one more day to relieve his European adventure. Then I'm putting the hammer down.
Frankie: Look, I respect your right to put hammers down, but I-I don't know if we're in a hammer-down moment. I think he's really matured. He got himself all the way around the world and back, alive, without any help from us.
Mike: That's the bar now? Being alive?
Frankie: Trust me. I really believe that if we just give him some breathing room and he catches up on his sleep, he's gonna prove me right. Hey, he brought presents home for us. He's never done that before.
Mike: I do like my stein.
Frankie: Right? So, you're with me? W-We don't mention "work" or "job" or "search" or "résumé." We just back off, and we leave it up to him. Pact?
Mike: Mm... Mm-hmm.
Frankie: Got to admit, kind of like the man-bun.
Mike: [scoffs] You're drunk on cheese.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Sue Heck's summer can officially begin!
Frankie: Whoo!
Sue: Oh, after 572 straight shifts, 1,080 hours, and three birthday potato parties, I am finally done working! I've got north of 200 bucks in my pocket, and that's after taxes! I have 'em withhold the most 'cause I just love America so much.
Quote from Frankie
Sean: Oh, I-I just heard Axl's back in town, so I wanted to hear about his big trip.
Frankie: Oh, he's actually on the 12th hour of his afternoon siesta. That's Spanish for "nap."
Sean: Wow, Mrs. Heck, how very European of you.
Frankie: Mm-hmm. I also eat real cheese now.
Quote from Cindy
Cindy: I suppose I'll just eat lunch at home, then.
Brick: Oh... I guess I forgot to offer you something.
Cindy: Just give me $8.64, and I'll get some shrimp on the way home.
Quote from Brick
Brick: Well, looks like we might be seeing the send of "Brindy."
Frankie: What's Brindy?
Brick: Brick and Cindy. Don't you guys call us that?
Frankie: S-Sure.
Mike: No.
Brick: Yeah. I need to break up with her.
Frankie: What? Why?
Brick: We just haven't been clicking lately. Our conversations are stilted. I gave her the Planet Nowhere quiz, and she only got an 85. She skims the descriptive paragraphs. You can't do that.