Frankie: [sings] Call Dutch, the magic carpet man
Mike: I want to switch old people.
Frankie: What? What are you talking about?
Mike: Don't "what are you talking about?" me. What happened to "we need to be facilitators"?
Frankie: We are being facilitators.
Mike: Yeah, well, then you got a very loose definition of what facilitating is, 'cause to me, it looks like you're yucking it up with Uncle Dutch while I'm stuck over there with the claw. What was the Rickles story?
Frankie: Oh! Oh, oh! So, Rickles was doing the show, and Sinatra was in town... Or wait, was Sinatra doing the show? Anyway, they were all at this table, but then there was a different table... Oh! Oh! And there was this dessert. I think it was baked Alaska. Wait... what is the dessert that flames?
Mike: Eh, you're butchering this. Look, this is your Dad, and I got a bigger part in this than you do. I got a cane. I'm acting. And you're just laughing at all the Don Rickles stories. It isn't fair, Frankie.
Frankie: Look, I got my old guy, and you got yours. No trade-backs.

Frankie: [v.o.] I thought about what Mike said, so I moved everyone into the family room and got down to some serious facilitating.
Frankie: Have some chips, Dad. You know, you could be a little more sociable. Your brother's come all the way from Nevada, and you've barely said two words.
Tag: So, they got you on heart pills?
Dutch: No.
Tag: Me neither.
Dutch: Tell you who's on heart pills. You remember the guy who lived down the street from us in that yellow house?
Tag: Guy with the haircut?
Dutch: Right. Ran into him in the airport a couple years ago... Can't think of his name.
Tag: Johnny.
Dutch: Johnny... right.
Tag: Yeah, his cousin was the one that broke my finger with a baseball bat.
Dutch: No, he broke my finger, but you took me to the clinic. Remember that nurse we met? She ended up marrying the guy who broke one of our fingers.
Tag: Harvey Burns.
Dutch: Right... Harvey Burns. No, it was his brother.
Tag: What about his brother?
Dutch: What were we talking about?
Axl: Heart pills.
Tag: Mm-hmm.
Dutch: Oh. Yeah. I don't take 'em.
Tag: Yeah, me neither.

Frankie: Oh... Oh, great! Oh, you're gonna do it! Okay, wait, hold on. Let me get my phone out so I can record it. Okay.
Tag: Here we go. [sings] Two of a kind
Dutch: Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry to stop, but you have to be on my left. Wrong side.
Tag: What's the difference? You're handsome on both sides. You're just trying to get in a better position, just like you did on the talent show.
Dutch: Oh, good God. What, do you keep a card catalog of everything I've ever done wrong? I'm terribly sorry to be arguing in your home.
Tag: Eh, don't try to suck up to Mike. Can't drive a wedge between us. The man worships me. We're thick as thieves.
Brick: Interesting fact, the phrase "thick as thieves" was coined in...
Axl: Not now, Brick.

Dutch: [sings and kicks legs] Like peas in a pod, birds of a feather
Tag: What in the hell are you doing? You're adding dance moves?
Dutch: You're just sitting there. I'm trying to add a little spice to it.
Tag: There you go again, trying to one-up me, just like you did in the vacuum business.
Dutch: Are you kidding me? You've been riding on my coattails my whole life.
Tag: 'Course I have! What's the good of having family if you can't sponge off of 'em?
Dutch: You know something, Tag? I came to visit you thinking maybe you'd mellowed with age, but you're worse. I mean, I'm like wine... I've improved with age. You're like... Cheese, a piece of stinky old cheese.
Tag: You're not making any sense.
Dutch: This whole conversation is like crackers on butter.
Brick: Yes!

Frankie: Mike. Mike! I figured out why they're fighting.
Mike: Oh. Good. I'm glad you woke me up to tell me.
Frankie: It's 'cause Uncle Dutch taught me how to ride a bike.
Mike: Great story. Night.
Frankie: No, no, no, no! It just hit me. When I was a kid, my dad could never teach me how to ride a bike, and then one day, while he was at work, Uncle Dutch offered to teach me. Then my dad came home, and all hell broke loose. He was yelling, "How could you teach my daughter to ride a bike?! How could you steal that from me?" And the next thing I knew, they were in this huge fight, and then they just stopped talking to each other.
Mike: You really think this whole thing is because of a bike?
Frankie: You wouldn't like it if someone else taught Sue to ride a bike.
Mike: The Donahues taught her. Look, you can't fix it, Frankie. You gave it a good shot. Let it be. And let it be not in our house.
Frankie: [sighs] My heart would break if Axl and Brick didn't talk to each other for 25 years. You got to get along with your siblings, Mike. They're your partners for life. They're the only ones that have your stories.
Mike: I know you really want these guys to get along and you're disappointed that it's not happening, but... People don't change. It's over. I'm calling it.

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, as much as you hope for it, people really don't change. It doesn't matter whether you're 88 or 18. If you're family, you're stuck with each other.
All: Bye!
Frankie: [v.o.] So you just got to figure out a way to make it work. Anything else is just crackers on butter.

Tag: Hey! Less chatty-chatty over there and more worky-worky. You got to move that table there in case he's in a wheelchair. I mean, heaven knows what kind of shape he's in. He's older than me.

Frankie: So, how are you, Uncle Dutch? How are things in Vegas? Got to be more exciting than Orson.
Dutch: Well, I'm keeping myself busy. Business has been pretty good, though. I probably work too hard, but it keeps me young.
Tag: Sure don't keep him humble.
Mike: So, what exactly you do out there, Dutch?
Dutch: I'm in the vac business.
Brick: Oh, just like grandpa Tag.
Dutch: Well, actually, I was in the vac biz. Now I've got a little carpet-cleaning company.
Frankie: Oh, it's not little. It's huge. Dutch's Speedy Clean. They call him the king of carpets. He's even in the commercials.
Sue: Wait. You're actually on TV? Do you know David Tutera?
Axl: Oh, my God. Sue, they don't care about that. Have you met the Godaddy Girl from the Super Bowl commercials?

Dutch: [chuckling] Oh, no. Just a little local commercial. I sing a jingle, you know? Nothing glamorous.
Sue: You sing a jingle?! I love jingles! Can you sing it for us right now?
Dutch: [chuckling] You don't want to hear this old guy sing. Can I borrow your cane? Thank you, Mike. [laughs] And it goes something like this. [sings] To keep your carpets spick-and-span Call Dutch, the magic carpet man [talks] And then I do a little bit of a dance thing. And wherever my feet were, the carpet cleans.
[sings] Well, you think I can't, well, yes, I can I'm Dutch, the magic carpet man Bah dum dum [laughter]
Tag: You know what time the Wheel comes on?
Dutch: You know, the real talent in this family is this guy right here. When we were in high school, we did a little number. We used to do it on the local talent contest. I'm darned if we didn't win every time. We were even asked to be on the Cletus Wilson radio show. Hey! Let's show 'em what we got. [Tag groans]
Frankie: Dad!

Dutch: Oh, my God. You know, but I think my favorite story is, we were cleaning the carpets at Caesars Palace. I met Don Rickles.
All: No!
Tag: [mockingly to Mike] No.
Mike: Did he say "Don Rickles"? Maybe we should go in there.
Tag: You don't want to go in there. It's boring.
Dutch: [laughter] So, anyway... I go back in to pick up the steam cleaner. Rickles thinks I'm the waiter. So I didn't want to correct Don Rickles, so I said, "May I take your order, sir?" And he says...
Tag: Oh, you can take my order. I'll have a large plate of "shut your trap." [laughter]
Mike: Wait! What did Rickles say?!
Tag: Who cares? Listen to him going on there. "Blah, blah, blah." You have no idea what it's like, Mike.
Mike: Oh, I got some idea.