Axl: You guys do whatever you want. I'm gonna hit some rides. Then I'll see you at the hotel after the park closes. Oh, and if you see a long, white glove on the door, it means I'm entertaining a princess, in which case, you should just crash on the couches in the lobby.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's entertaining any princesses, and no one is splitting up. This is a family vacation. We're gonna enjoy it together as a family.

Brick: There it is.
Mike: Okay, I'm gonna say this one more time. A lot of people have that hat.
Frankie: Come on, Brick. Where did you last have it?
Brick: Let's see. I had it at Dumbo. Then I went in the bathroom, and I didn't want it to get dirty, so I put it on the shelf. But then, I thought someone might steal it, so I put it in my backpack. [Axl pulls the hat out of Brick's backpack] Yep, here it is.
Sue: Brick!
Axl: You're going in the backpack next!

Sue: [hacking]
Nurse: Uh, looks like a little piece of something scraped your esophagus on the way down.
Frankie: She's never been a strong chewer, gulps her food whole like a seal. [chuckles] We've told her a million times.
Axl: Maybe we should just put her down.
Nurse: She's gonna be fine. Sorry you folks have had to come in here twice in one day. So, what's been your favorite ride so far?
Mike: So far, it's called the gurney.
Sue: [continues hacking]

Frankie: Look! They have one of those refrigerators that looks like a cabinet!
Mike: Check out this flat screen!
Axl: Dad, there's a media room with an even bigger flat screen!
Mike: Are you messing with me?
Axl: No.
Mike: You better not be messing with me!
Sue: There's a TV in the mirror! [gasps] Oh, no. I think I'm gonna pass out again.
Axl: Look at this table! When I get rich, I'm gonna buy one of these and never use it!
Sue: Mom! Feel this toilet paper. It's so soft. It's like a cloud.
Frankie: [exhales deeply] Everybody, start loading your bags with toilet paper. Sue, you're on lotions. Axl, you're on shampoos.

Sue: [phone rings] Got it!
Mike: Don't answer it! They're gonna make us leave!
Sue: [scoffs] [answers phone] Hello. Grand Villa Hotel suite. Sue speaking. I'm staying here. [chuckles] Brick? Where are you calling from?
Brick: From the bathroom! There's a phone in the bathroom!
Frankie: Guys! The microwave works! Everything in here works!

Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out it was the best sleep of our lives... And the longest.
Frankie: Get up! Get up! It's 3:00 in the afternoon! It's our last day at Disney World, and we're missing it. No showering. Just bring the mini soaps, and we'll ride Splash Mountain!

Brick: I know this isn't gonna be popular, but I'll just throw it out there. I'm regretting my hat choice. If we can just go back...
All: No!
Axl: No more hats! We are going on a ride right after this... Any ride that Sue did not recommend.
Sue: Oh! Like your suggestions are so great, Axl! We all really enjoyed your leaving-the-park ride!
Brick: But I know all the fonts now. It won't take that long.
All: No!
Man: [camera shutter snaps] Sorry. I got to meet my family. I-I tried to get a good one, but you were all screaming at that little boy.
Frankie: What is wrong with this family? Seriously, what is the matter with us? Every other family can figure this out. They can take pictures in front of the castle and agree on rides and laugh and say, "Donny, come sit next to me," all while wearing matching T-Shirts saying, "Makin' memories Thompson-family style." Yeah. Look around! There are thousands of people at Walt Disney World having the time of their lives! Oh, not this sorry group. No, not us. What is wrong with us that we can't figure out how to do that? Oh, our family sucks. We suck!

Brick: I knew we should have stayed at the hotel. Nobody ever does what I want.
Mike: Are you kidding me? I don't want to hear that from any of you. I'll tell you who never gets what he wants... this guy. All I wanted out of this whole trip was to go to Epcot.
Frankie: Oh, you'll get your beer, Mike.
Axl: What is it with you and Epcot?
Mike: You know why I wanted to go to Epcot? 'Cause never in my life will I be able to afford to take your mom to Paris, and I thought this was my one chance. I could take her to Paris and we could have a romantic meal, and that's why I wanted to go to Epcot. Not because of the beer... 'cause I wanted to do something nice for your mom!
All: Aww!
Frankie: Do whatever you want. Take your phones. I'm going to Paris with your dad.

Axl: All right. I'm out of here! High-school rules apply. If you see me, you don't know me. Next stop [snaps fingers] Splash Mountain.
Brick: I'm gonna see if I can exchange my hat.
Sue: I guess I'll hit up Peter Pan. I'm not sure if they allow just one person per ride, but if it's a weight issue, maybe they'll allow my binder to sit next to me.
Brick: Hmm. You know, on second thought, the fun font is a bolder choice. And maybe I should check out some of these "rides" that people keep talking about.
Axl: Hey, if Brick's going on his first ride, I got to see that. I'll do Peter Pan with you, and then I'll hit Splash Mountain after.
Sue: You know, if we all go on Splash Mountain together, we could do a funny group picture on the way down.
Axl: Hey, if you're gonna be in it, it's definitely gonna be funny. [Axl and Brick chuckle] I'm sorry. That was the last one.
Brick: [sighs] Wait a minute.
Axl & Sue: On your head.

Frankie: Mmm. How's your beer?
Mike: Great. Although, eventually, we're gonna have to find the kids and head home... so you better stop me at one. Make that 1:30. [both chuckle]