Frankie: I wish we could have this much fun with the kids, you know? I just don't know why we can't get along like other families. I mean, did we raise them wrong? Is it just the way they are?
Mike: Let's not talk about the kids, Frankie. We're in Paris. They're America's problem now. As a matter of fact... I don't think we had kids. Remember? We met in Paris when I was a young artist.
Frankie: Actually, I think you were a leathersmith, and I was a waitress working at the café and studying to be a chocolatier at night. You came in one day smelling like leather after working in your shop all day, and you ordered a croissant.
Mike: Right, and you were wearing that little French bustier.
Frankie: How come in every one of your fantasies, I'm wearing a bustier?
Mike: Hey, I gave you Leathersmith.
Frankie: Okay. Fine. So, we're living a life that's wild and carefree, and I don't, for one minute, regret those kids we never had.
Mike: And after dinner, we're going back to our studio apartment overlooking the city and...
Frankie: I don't know, Mike. I just ate a bunch of cheese.
Mike: Frankie, it's a fantasy. Just go along with it.
Frankie: Okay. All right. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. We're in the most cosmopolitan city in the world. [glasses clink]

Frankie: [v.o.] That night, we stayed till the park closed. And if you had seen us, you would swear we were one of those perfect families, which leads me to believe they probably don't exist. You just can't be perfect with your family. You give them your best, but you also give them your worst. And if you can survive a family vacation... [chuckles] You're doing okay. Oh, and I did get my wish. We finally all went on a ride together. And it was the scariest ride of all.
[the family drive home:]
Sue: Axl, get your feet out of my face! Come on!
Axl: It's an improvement! You wish your face looked like my feet!
Sue: Oh! No, I don't! [indistinct arguing]

Frankie: [sighs] He's been back there for a long time. That's not a good sign, is it?
Mike: I don't know. [sighs] I can't remember what a good sign looks like.
Sue: [prays] Dear God, I know you have war and famine and Justin Bieber's gone off the rails, but if you could please, please, please just let us into Disney World...
Todd: Sorry, folks. We've just never had anyone go to the wrong park before. Um, I pulled all the strings I could, but under the circumstances, there's just no way we can not let you have a great time here at Walt Disney World! [all cheer]
Frankie: We also had a hotel.
Todd: Oh.

Nurse: How you doing, Sue? Any shortness of breath?
Sue: Let me check. [breathes rapidly]
Mike: Sue, you're not trying to have shortness of breath. What? She's fine. We're gonna be here all day, and I want to make sure there's time to get over to Epcot.
Frankie: He heard they sell beer there.

Axl: Oh, my God! It's 2:00, and we've literally done nothing!
Frankie: That's not entirely true. We already lost Brick. I didn't have that happening till later today. So, if you think about it, we're ahead of schedule.
Axl: Well, I'll go on anything at this point. I mean, there's no line for Dumbo. Let's just go on that. I mean, maybe if I tip the guy, he'll crank it up to puke speed.

Sue: No. No, no, no. According to section three of my binder, A.K.A. "Sue's Rockin' ride guide," the line for Dumbo is always short, but Buzz Lightyear and his gang are performing in five minutes, leaving the line to Space Mountain wide open. [laughs] Whoo!

Sue: This is not my fault, Axl! Things are shifting. My whole binder system's off because we got a late start.
Axl: Yeah, 'cause you fainted.
Sue: And we had to get Brick's hat.
Brick: And Dad drove us to the wrong state.
Mike: Your mom didn't read the tickets.
Frankie: There it is... always back to Mom.
Mike: Come on, let's all just take a breath and go to Epcot.
Sue: No. No, no, no, no. If my calculations are correct, this is the exact perfect time to hit the Haunted Mansion. Trust me. I've done my homework.

Sue: See? I told you these Turkey legs were a good call. It's the most famous food in the park, and you can eat them while you wait in line.
Axl: Mm. I hate to say it, but Sue's ugly and right.
Frankie: Yeah. [chuckles] Whoo!
Ride Attendant: Sorry, folks. We can't allow any food on the rides. Now, if you'd like, I can toss them in the trash for you. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of line and finish them.
Frankie: No, no, no. We're not getting out. We can finish these quick. Come on, guys. Eat, eat. Go, eat. Faster.
[muffled] Just chew it. Chew it.

Axl: All right, that's it. I'm done listening to you people. I'm taking this thing over! We're jumping in the first line we see, and we're getting on a freaking ride!
Sue: We can't do that, Axl! You didn't do the research!
Axl: Hey! Look at me! Look at me. I am the captain now.
Axl: Hmm? Huh?
Frankie: [chuckles] Whoa.We' re really moving now, huh? Good job, Axl. I'm telling you guys, this is the turning point. Oh, we're almost at the front! A-a-a-and... We're out of the park.
Man: [over PA] We hope you enjoyed your day at the Magic Kingdom. Until we see you again, have a safe trip home and a magical night.
Mickey Mouse: [over PA] So long, everybody! And we'll see you real soon! [chuckles]
Mike: Disney World... 1. [sighs] Hecks... zero.

Frankie: [v.o.] So, the first day was a bust, even by our standards. All we wanted to do was lick our wounds, get to our room, and sleep.
Todd: Folks, there's been a slight snag with your room.
Frankie: [sighs] Of course there has.
Sue: [hacks]
Todd: Oh. That does not sound good. Have... you folks stopped by our first-aid office? [Mike holds up two fingers] Oh. So, as I was saying, with your, uh, Disneyland prize package, you were supposed to receive a standard garden-view room, but I'm afraid we don't have a comparable room available here at Walt Disney World. It's just a very busy time. [all groan]
Mike: Look, Todd, I appreciate everything you've done. It's just been a really long day, and our package did include a garden-view room. I would love to stare at a garden while I rethink the choices I've made in life.
Todd: And, as I said, that's not available. But... I did find another room that I think you'll be very happy with.
Sue: [hacks]