Frankie Quote #340
Quote from Frankie in The Diaper Incident
Mike: You said you'd be dressed a half-hour ago. What's the hold-up?
Frankie: [sobs] I can't get out. I hurt my back plugging something in, and I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to think I was old and pathetic, and look at me. I can't get out of the tub. I tried, and the whole curtain came down.
Mike: Have you been drinking wine in the tub again?
Frankie: Mike, somebody thought I needed diapers. Can you believe that? I always thought that we would grow old together, but I'm way ahead of you! I don't care what Dr. Oz says. Women absorb all the stress in marriage. Just ask Mrs. Dr. Oz! Do you even know the family's whole schedule... That Sue has cross-country from 3:00 to 5:00, and that Brick has the bookmobile every Saturday at 11:00? It takes a toll, Mike! I didn't ever remember our anniversary. Back, brain, bladder... That's how it goes.
Mike: Okay. Grab onto somethin'.
Frankie: Ow. Just go find a new wife. Be happy. Don't worry about me. I'll just be here, falling apart before my time. Just do me a favor. Plug everything in before you go.
Mike: Stop it, Frankie.
Frankie: Yeah. Look at... Look at my feet! I have the feet of a 90-year-old woman!
Mike: You're just pruny from the water. You're not falling apart.
Frankie: Oh, yeah, says the man in perfect health Who's carrying me like a fireman in his prime!
The Middle Quotes
‘The Diaper Incident’ Quotes
Quote from Mike
Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, men live by an unspoken code. You shake, not hug. You never pay to have something done you can do yourself, and you don't go to the doctor unless... Well, you don't go to the doctor.
Mike: I'm not going to the doctor.
Frankie: Come on. Just go in for a physical. Look, they're raising our deductible next month, so if you're gonna get a horrible disease, get it now while it's still cheap.
Mike: Hey, if something comes along, I can take care of it myself.
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike's school of medicine was not the same as mine.
[montage:]
Mike: My heart just stopped. Oh, there it goes.
Mike: When did this mole get here? [cuts it off with a knife]
Mike: Shoulder popped out again. [bangs it against the wall] Aah! That's better.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Okay, wait. You think I need diapers? Oh, this is just... Oh, my God. How old do you think I am?
Stock Boy: Is it okay if don't answer that?
Frankie: Look, I might sneeze-pee once in a while, but I don't need diapers. Do you see any gray there? No! That's 100% chestnut brown.
Stock Boy: That's over in aisle 12.
Frankie: I mean, come on. These are for... [puts on glasses] Geriatric bladder control. Do I look geriatric? I could easily have a baby. I choose not to. These are for old, creaky people who are way older than me. [to an old woman] Not you. I'm sorry. I-I'm a little flustered. I have a daughter with a dripping baby.
Old Woman: I understand. I'm a grandma, too.
Frankie: I'm not a grandma! Just take me to the diapers... For babies. Which I could have!
Quote from Brick
Brick: Hello, mother. I just took a walk around the block with wet hair and swallowed a watermelon seed at lunch. Pneumonia? No. Watermelon growing in my belly? No. Quite the tangled web, isn't it? [whispers] Tangled web.
Frankie: Yeah, but that pneumonia thing is real! You just got lucky.