Devin: "Uggo from Idaho"?
Axl: Okay, that was before I met you. I swear I was gonna change it to "rockin' body Devin."
Devin: Right. Who else do you have in here?
Axl: Nobody.
Devin: "Super Dork - Don't Answer"?
Axl: Okay, that's my sister. That's allowed. And hey, did you hear me? I said you have a rockin' body. You should be thanking me.
Devin: Oh, my God! Do you even hear yourself? I mean, I knew you were kind of a jerk when I first met you, but...
Axl: Ha! "Jerk's" a name. That's a means of classifying people, and you're doing it. You called me a name right now. Ba-bam! Your witness.
Devin: What?
Axl: Hey, you're the one who started this. You're the one who's freaking out about what's in my phone.
Devin: I'm not freaking out about what's in your phone. I'm freaking out about the guy who put it there.
Axl: Me?

Brad: Sorry, Sue, but Sarah McCrosky's pretty much locked for "Most spirited."
Sue: What?!
Brad: Look, I get it. I thought I was a shoo-in for "Most talented," but that football player Randy Wolf is gonna get it. Since when is athletic prowess a talent? Tap dancing in a merman costume? Now, that's a talent.
Sue: So, Sarah McCrosky's got homecoming queen, she's class President, and now she's getting "most spirited"? It's almost like it's some kind of popularity contest.
Brad: Maybe this just isn't our time, Sue. You and I are gonna come out in college.

Axl: Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. [sighs] Okay. I think I got in without her seeing me, but she can probably sense I'm here, so let's go. [sniffs]
Devin: Go... Where?
Axl: Duh. It's cereal night at the cafeteria. They got Apple Jacks.
Devin: Why would I want to eat cereal with you? We're done.
Axl: [scoffs, chuckles] What do you mean, "we're done"?
Devin: You really don't get it, do you? The movie theater, our fight... pretty sure you were there.
Axl: Uh... So we had a fight at a movie theater. Big deal.
Devin: Yeah. We fought, and it's over.
Axl: Right... we fought, and it's over. Wait. What's your "it"? 'Cause my "it" is the fight.
Devin: Well, my "it" is us.
Axl: We're the "it"?! Wha... Why are you so hard to talk to? Let's just grab some Apple Jacks, maybe some Froot Loops, and talk about this like adults.

Axl: [sighs] Come on. Now he's just reading from some lame catalogue. This is mind-blowingly boring.
Frankie: Hey, if you were talking for the whole day, we might find what you have to say boring, too. I've lost a half an hour of my life listening to you talk about how you can eat a meatball sub without using your hands.
Axl: Oh, yeah, and you're not boring? "How did this bruise get on my hip, and why won't it go away?" "Yesterday, it was more blue, but today, it's more yellow, and I don't even know how it got there." What's today's bruise report, Mom? I didn't get my newsletter.
Mike: You do talk an awful lot about your bruise, Frankie.
Frankie: I'm just trying to fill the air with words, Mr. "How was your day? Fine."
Mike: My day was fine. [sighs] I'm not gonna embellish just to entertain you.
Sue: I agree. Dad is the most boring.
Axl: You know how boring you are, Sue? You can't even get voted "Most boring."
Brick: Excuse me. I'd be happy to listen to whatever it is you're talking about on your birthdays, but right now we are discussing... Oddly shaped fruits.
Axl: [sighs] Oh... my... God.

Brick: As we all know, the Dewey decimal system, with its 27,000 categories, has been woefully misunderstood. Certainly, the debate between Dewey and B.I.S.A.C. enflames passions. [Axl crawls away under a blanket] I, for one, feel that Melvil Dewey would be rolling over in his grave if he found out what happened to his beloved system. [Brick catches Axl] You just bought yourself a lecture on commedia Dell'Arte.
Axl: You're a monster.
Brick: But first, time for a quiz.
Sue: Wha... No, hold on, Brick. You can't just pop a quiz on us. None of us took notes.
Axl: Dial down the dork, Sue. It doesn't count here.
Brick: Actually, it kind of does, 'cause whoever scores the highest... gets to leave.

Frankie: How are you getting all these right?
Axl: Hello! I shared a room with the guy. Mom, please allow me to introduce you to your son Brick. You two should really get to know each other.
Brick: Number 20... "What is my biggest fear?"
Frankie: Ice cubes.
Sue: The CNN crawl.
Axl: No. No. That was last month. Now it's a horse with a human head.
Brick: Correct.
Axl: Booyah! I win! 18 out of 20! Suck it, losers! Bro, I love ya. Happy Birthday. I'm out!
[After Axl leaves, he dances in front of the window for his family to see]
Frankie: [v.o.] And then there were three... more hours.

Sue: Brick, come on. The basketball game is about to start, and this is my last chance to try for a superlative.
Please can I go? [gasps] What if I give you my autographed copy of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"?
Brick: Does it have its original book jacket?
Sue: Yep, mint condition.
Brick: You got a deal.
Sue: Whoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brick. [squeals] Sorry.
[After Sue leaves, she dances in front of the window for Frankie and Mike to see]

Brick: Any guesses as to who Collin Quinlan might be? Anyone? That would be Richard Quinlan's son. Apparently, these Hollywood jobs tend to run in the family. Dad, I can see you're very tired. You've had a long day. You can go.
Frankie: Wait... what do you mean?! I've had a long day. Why does he get to go?
Brick: Well, he's tired. He works hard.
Frankie: I work hard!
Brick: Yes, but he pushes rocks around all day.
Frankie: He does not push rocks. He pushes a pencil. His hands are softer than mine!
Mike: He said I could go, Frankie. Leave him alone. Brick, this has been fascinating. I'll remember this night all the way to my bed. Happy Birthday, buddy.
Mike: [hums] Do do do do do do do, do do do
Frankie: Mike, if you love me at all, you will stay here with me till the end!
Mike: Good night.

Frankie: [v.o.] I had to pay attention. I had to. I'm a horrible mother. Stay awake, Frankie. You forgot your son's birthday. You're in the homestretch. Just stay with it.
Brick: Sergeant McKenna lost over 200 men that day to mustard gas. Their names in alphabetical order are Edward Albrecht, George Allenrod...
Frankie: Okay, I will kill you! Why are you doing this to me?! Everybody forgot! Everybody! But oh, no, it has to come to me 'cause I'm the mom and I must be punished! Well, you know what? I've done my time! When you think back to all the things I've done for you... all the teachers meetings I've sat through, all the places I've gone, trying to get you to be normal... my account is paid!
[Frankie sighs as Brick takes his cake and walks away]

Axl: Oh. [chuckles] Uh... Hi.
Devin: Maybe think about putting a heat lamp out here, in case people wind up waiting forever for you to get home.
Axl: I'm confused. Are we...
Devin: Freezing our butts off? Yeah. We are. Okay, fine. I'm bad at this, all right? I'm great at picking fights, but I'm terrible at the part that comes after.
Axl: Look, I'm the one that screwed up. You were right about the names and stuff. I changed all the contacts in my phone.
Devin: Wait, so I'm not "uggo from Idaho" anymore? I'm just plain "Devin"?
Axl: Well, for now. Maybe I'm waiting to see how this turns out. You could be "Awesome Devin," or you could be "Big Bowl of Crazy Devin."
Devin: [chuckles] Here's the thing. I got majorly burned by my last boyfriend. I thought everything was going great, until one day, I was late for practice, and I borrowed one of his old jerseys. No big deal, right? But then, that night, I get this text from him saying that the jersey thing had sent him over the edge and things were going too fast and it was over. Totally out of the blue. And it sucked. So now, at the first sign of any trouble, I bail. I'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee.
Axl: Okay. Well... Follow me here. What if we keep doing this... which I think is pretty awesome... and if things start going south, I'll let you know, and you can dump me first? Cool?
Devin: Cool.