Sue: So, listen, after we're done here, before we go to church, I want us all to take a picture in Mom and Dad's bed, wearing Santa hats.
Axl: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Sue: Axl, you have to. I want to post it so that when everyone wakes up, they will see it on Christmas morning. It'll be iconic.
Mike: Who's everyone, and why do they need to see us when they wake up?
Sue: Dad, if you need me to explain it to you, you don't get it.
Mike: I don't get it, and I don't want it explained to me.

Frankie: Okay, people, you know the drill! Mike, you'll drop us off and park in the overflow lot. Axl, you run in and lay yourself across the pew, saving seats until Brick comes there with the coats, and this time, actually save the seats. Don't give it away to old people.
Axl: The guy was a World War II veteran! You say no to that!
Frankie: Oh, anybody can buy one of those hats and say they were in the war. Now, while Dad is parking and Axl and Brick are saving seats, Sue and I will sweet-talk the choir director to get a bead on whether they're gonna open the choir vestibule. If they're gonna open it, I will give a signal. We will split into two groups, grab the coats, and plow our way to the staircases.
Mike: I don't want to sit in the vestibule.
Frankie: If we get the vestibule, you're going in the vestibule. Oh! Damn it! Please don't let us end up in the second overflow room! [groans] [sniffs] Dirty. [sniffs] Dirty. [sniffs] Dirty. [sighs] You know, it's just not fair. The people who never go to church squeeze out the people who sometimes go to church.

Frankie: Look at us, Mike. What are we doing? Even if we get out the door right now, it's gonna be a nightmare. We're gonna end up in the second overflow with the cinder-block walls. To be honest, it's like church jail. Maybe we should just not go.
Mike: Are you serious? 'Cause once this thing's off, it's off.
Frankie: Yeah. I'm calling it.
Mike: Guys! Get in here! Your mom says we don't got to go to church this year.
Sue: Not go to church? Can we do that? [gasps] Maybe we should ask God for a sign.
Frankie: Here's our sign, Sue. [holds up a bra]
Axl: Ho ho! Awesome! It's been real. See you guys New Year's Day!
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just 'cause I said we're not going to church doesn't mean we're not going to church. There's plenty of channels that offer a Christmas Eve service, so we'll stay at home and watch it on TV.
Sue: Okay.
Frankie: And everybody wears pants! [Axl groans]

Frankie: Come on, guys! It's starting! You don't want to miss this! I found us a good one. It's from Atlanta. Okay, Gatorade for the wine and wheat thins for the wafers. This is gonna work.
Mike: [vocalizing "Deck the Halls"] I tell you, Frankie, I have never been happier. No need to get me anything. Not wrecking my back sitting in those pews all night is the only present I need. This may be the best idea you've had since you said, "no fourth kid."
Frankie: Mm. Actually, I said, "no second kid."

Brick: You know, Axl, you still owe me $2.13 for Mom's present.
Axl: Yeah. I'm a little tapped out right now, Brick. I'll get you back later.
Brick: You say that every year. In fact, I don't think you ever paid up for last year, so you actually owe me $4.26.
Axl: I owe you? That's hilarious. I was the one who, way back in kindergarten, picked out the perfume cat, which turned out to be her favorite thing in the world. In fact, you're lucky I ever even brought you in on this thing. Sue's been wanting in on it for years, but I said, "No. It's a brother thing," and this is how you repay me?
Brick: Fine. You don't want to pay? I'll just say it's from me.
Axl: Unh-unh. [chuckles] You think you're gonna cut me out now? You wanted in on the big-boy gift, I let you in on the big-boy gift. In fact, now that I think about it, you owe me.
Brick: What?!
Axl: Yeah. I never even asked you for money till you were at least... 7, so, technically, you owe me money, plus interest. Yeah. It's a business term. Look it up.

Sue: And, Dad, you get a super, super special one! Are you excited?
Mike: Nah. I don't want to wear a hat.
Sue: Okay, what would you say if I told you yours said... "Daddy-o"?
Mike: I would say I'm definitely not wearing a hat.

Sue: Oh! Oh! I forgot Doris!
Frankie: No, no. No Doris. If she sits on anything with give, she pees. I'm not far behind.

Axl: Is that our cat perfume? Why is it in such a big box?
Brick: Well, I could only find one big piece of wrapping paper, and I'm not allowed to cut, so I had to find a big box.

Frankie: Wow! [chuckles] What is this? It's so big! Okay, I guess you guys are old enough for me to tell you this now. Every year, you'd get me that cat perfume, and I'd "ooh" and "ahh" over it, and it was so sweet of you. But the truth is, it smelled awful. I have 12 of 'em stashed behind the frosting in the garage.
[Frankie finally gets unpacks the cat perfume from the box]
Axl: You really never liked it? 'Cause every time you went out somewhere, you always said you would put on your Purrisian Nights.
Brick: And you used to pet the velvet and say how you always wanted a cat.
Frankie: [laughs nervously] You guys! Oh, I was kidding! Oh, bad joke. I just said I didn't like it because I was worried that you got me something different, and I didn't want you to feel bad that you didn't get me the cat perfume that I love. But phew! You did, and I love it. I love it so much!
Brick: Did you know she hated it?
Mike: "Hate's" not a strong enough word.

Frankie: Okay, wait. Our computer is old. We just have to unplug it, wait five seconds, then plug it back in. [computer beeps] [sighs]
All: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.
Frankie: Okay, wait. One more second just to be safe. Go.
Sue: I didn't do anything weird. I promise. [beep] I just plugged the camera into the cable, like always. I just wanted to Photoshop a Santa hat onto dad. It was just the way I saw it!
Frankie: It's gonna be fine, Sue, because this is gonna work. [keyboard clacks]
Frankie: [v.o.] It didn't.
Frankie: 1...2...
All: 3... 4...