Axl: [o.s.] We don't have a cloud!
Frankie: Well, can we get one?! We need to buy one right now. Oh, my God, everything is gone... Sue's graduation, Axl's graduation, Sue's birthday, Axl's birthday!
Brick: Not hearing a lot of Brick.
Frankie: Do something besides read, and we'll take your picture. Sorry. I'm just too panicked to coddle you right now.

Frankie: [gasps] Babies! Where are the baby pictures? Where are the picture from eight years ago and before... Before they all went digital?
Sue: You lost those, too?!
Frankie: No, no, no, wait. I think I have them in a box somewhere. Like a-a knock-off Stride Rite box from when you kids were little. I think it was, like, Stride Mite, Stride Tite? Oh, my God, I haven't seen it in forever. We got to find that box! Okay, it's red or blue. Everybody, just start looking!
Mike: Really, Frankie? Are we really gonna do this now? It's Christmas Eve, and you're running around, making yourself a wreck over some pictures. Relax. Nobody's dead.
Frankie: Yes, they are! 15-year-old Sue is dead! She's gone, and we'll never set eyes on her again now. And what about 10-year-old Axl, when he was sweet and he liked me? He's gone, too. There were thousands of pictures, Mike... thousands!
Mike: Of this family?! Why?! I don't get it. It's like you're trying to archive for some museum that's never gonna be built. Unless you're a president or a serial killer, nobody cares!
Frankie: I care!

Sue: Do you want me to throw this out?
Frankie: No. I can't believe it. My great-grandkids are not gonna know me as young and pretty... Just old and gross!
Sue: What?! No, Mom, you're pretty. You're so pretty!
Axl: We'll describe your beauty to our kids.
Brick: I can write about it. I wrote a good sentence once.

Axl: Do you not hear her?! Do you not hear your wife?! Why are you just sitting there?!
Mike: Look, I have been through this too many times... The drama over stupid stuff. The baby clothes, the solar-powered calculator. "I lost my phone." "I left my purse in the road." My car is missing"... Only, it's parked behind the building. "The bachelor picked the wrong girl!" I just... I [sighs] I can't. I'm done. I got nothing to give.

Brick: Hey, Mom. You know, when I'm distraught, I find that there's always a passage in Planet Nowhere to make me feel better. "Chapter 3. Zortof arrived at the cave of knowledge to find it walled over with moss." [Frankie wails]

Sue: You have to fix this!
Axl: Yeah! Fix her! You're the father! If you're not gonna provide us with a lavish lifestyle, the least you can do is fix Mom!
Sue: It's true. I just found out we're on the poverty line. There's a chart at college, and in Monaco, we are way below it!

Brick: She's in bad shape. When Amenjula the Moth Emperor revealed the secret passage to the New Cave of Knowledge, she just laid there like a Silligan!

Frankie: [v.o.] Clearly, we're a family that needs church. Unfortunately, we got there late. So we were in the third overflow room, which is conveniently located in the church nursery. Yep, so, we pretty much Hecked up our Christmas Eve, but in the light of morning, things always look a little better.
Brick: I'm cold. Can we close the door now? Is the smell gone?
Axl: My eyes burn a little less now.
Mike: Actually, Frankie, I got you something else.
Frankie: Really? What could be better than a set of 5-pound travel weights?
Mike: Ah, I got a good feeling about this one.
Frankie: [gasps] Oh, my God! Oh! It's the old pictures! Oh, my God! I forgot I put them in the Soul Train compilation box! Oh, Mike! Where did you find them?
Mike: I stayed up after you went to bed, and I found the Soul Train box stuffed into a Barbie penthouse box in the basement.
Frankie: Aww! where are the Soul Train CDs?
Mike: Easy, girl. Sorry I couldn't get the ones off the computer, but, you know, I still call time, so...

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, we know what Christmas is all about... Peace, love, and the joy of being with your family. [indistinct shouting] Unless it's our family. How did we get here? Well, it all started innocently enough.

Frankie: Okay, guys, you got to eat faster. We have 20 minutes till we have to leave because this year, we are leaving by 6:00.
Axl: What? Church doesn't start till 8:00. It's already bad enough we got to go. Why do we got to get there two hours early?
Frankie: Because every year, we're late, and I'm not sitting in the overflow room this year. It's getting embarrassing.
Mike: Well, you can forget about the main floor at this point. We're already in the overflow room. It's 6:00 now.
Frankie: What? Are you serious? My watch says 5:40.
Sue: Well, if it's only 5:40, then we have time to take my picture.