Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Frankie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Mike?! They're gone! They're gone! Every picture we've taken for the last seven years is gone!
Mike: What are you talking about? You have backups, don't you?
Frankie: No, they were on the computer, and now they're gone! Listen, I keep hearing about a cloud. Do we have a cloud?
Mike: Just the black one over our heads.

Frankie: Oh, God, could I have thrown it away when we did that spring cleaning a couple years ago? That would be so typical of me! Other people have a system, and I don't have a system, and now it's gone!
Brick: Mom, it's not your fault.
Frankie: Yes, it is. This whole damn house is just a system failure. That computer has not been backed up for 67 weeks! I just kept hitting, "Remind me later." Everything here is "Remind me later." We live a "remind me later" life. Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?! I can't store pictures properly. I don't appreciate cat perfume from my children. I have got to do a better job!
Sue: It's okay, Mom! I found it! I found it! It was in the garage!
Frankie: Oh, thank God! [rummages through the box] Old People magazines? [wails] No! [cries] They're gone! [crying] Everything is gone! It's as if we never existed! Oh, sure, I kept two copies of the John Travolta Look Who's Talking edition but not our family memories!

Frankie: You know, ever since this fell in the toilet, it's running slow. Seriously, it's 6:00?
Mike: I checked the kitchen clock.
Frankie: Oh, that's the dog clock. It's always set an hour ahead so I can give Doris her flea medicine. She stays on central time. Trust me, it makes sense.
Sue: Uh, no, that's not ahead anymore, remember? You had me change it back because it kept making us early.
Frankie: So, what time does the microwave say?
Sue: Same as always. That one only always says 2:00.
Brick: No, you got to know how to read it. Just 1, 2, and 3 are 2:00. The sixes and zeros work, and the second time it flashes 2:00, it's really 4:00.
Frankie: Will someone just tell me what time it is?! Is it dog time or microwave time or toilet time?
Mike: Let's just get out the phone book and call time.
Frankie: Nobody calls time, grandpa. Nobody's called time since time started.