Eleanor: I know you're trying to think of ways to save every soul who's ever lived and whatnot, but, um, we may only have a half hour left to exist, so I just wanted to check in with you vis-a-vis... us.
Chidi: Oh, okay, yeah. Cool. I love you.
Eleanor: Whoa. Really?
Chidi: Yeah. I love you. So, uh, do you love me?
Eleanor: Yeah, I do.
Chidi: Well, then, cool! You and I are on our way to Coolsville.
Eleanor: You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but... it's kind of doing it for me. Should we get out of here? No, but I like the confidence.
Chidi: Well, when you have a thousand different versions of yourself over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.
Michael: You saw the time knife, huh?
Chidi: Yep. Saw the time knife. It was neat. Okay, let's save humanity, shall we? Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard and a copy of Judith Shklar's "Ordinary Vices?" Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels. If we going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels. Yummy, yum, yum. Yummy!

Chidi: This is the problem with the current system. Live anything less than the most exemplary life, and you are brutally tortured forever with no recourse. The cruelty of the punishment does not match the cruelty of the life that one has lived. Now, watch this spin.
Eleanor: So, we need to come up with a system that will result in the least amount of cruelty and suffering to those who don't deserve it. This is a problem of justice.
Chidi: [kisses Eleanor] Hearing you talk about philosophical concepts of justice is sexy. You want to get out of here?
Eleanor: Yes. No. Keep going.

Judge: Okay, mama. See you in the next life.
Bad Janet: Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to summarize how I really feel?
Judge: I think I know where this is going. [Bad Janet farts and cries]
[The Judge marbleizes Bad Janet]
Judge: Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.
Disco Janet: Out of sight.

Judge: What are you guys still doing here? Just go back to Mindy's and have a lukewarm beer, and wait for me to end you there. [to Chidi] Except for you, cookie-puss. I'll always make room for you. [disappears into Disco Janet's void]
Michael: Wait a second. That's it.
Jason: I agree. Chidi should hook up with the Judge to get us out of trouble. I'd done that a bunch of times. It's called a Jacksonville plea bargain.

Michael: No, Mindy's house. Eleanor always thought there should be a Medium Place for people who led medium lives. That's the answer. We make the Medium Place a third option.
Eleanor: Of course. Maybe if you score negative points on Earth. "Sorry, you blew it. Enjoy having your penis flattened." Over a million or whatever, party time. And everyone else in between gets their own, personal Cincinnati.
Chidi: It's definitely less cruel than the current system, but it's not great.
Michael: Well, it might be the best we can do given the circumstances. Let's try to sell it to the brass.

Tahani: So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
Shawn: I have to admit this does make sense. And I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell. I'm in.
Michael: Really?
Shawn: No. [chuckles] You actually believed me?
Eleanor: Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity is going to be erased forever.
Shawn: And?
Chidi: The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone loses.
Shawn: Oh, I know. But here's the thing. I don't care if everyone loses as long as you lose.

Michael: Shawn, listen to reason.
Shawn: Why should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
Jason: Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.
Shawn: I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be so... long.

Shawn: Oh, hey, guys. Just smashing some stuff. What's up?
Eleanor: Listen, demon, we know how much you want us to lose, so we volunteer to lose permanently if you agree to let the Judge establish a real Medium Place. You can torture the four of us... forever.
Shawn: Really?
Jason: Yeah. This is a classic trolley problem. One of your boys sets off a stink bomb on the trolley, causing a commotion so the rest of the group can pickpocket people as they run off the train.
Chidi: That's very wrong, but in a roundabout way, you kind of got where you needed to be.
Tahani: I'll even give you a head start on my torture. I cannot pull off the mod look.
Michael: You can take me, too. I couldn't live with myself knowing you four were down there without me.
Shawn: Wow. This is a toughy. On one hand, I would love to get some spiders in those buttholes. On the other hand, there would be billions of buttholes going completely un-spidered. How about this? Everyone who dies go to the Bad Place... and I get to torture all of you.

Michael: Fork this. If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms. Let's come up with a completely new idea that actually makes the universe better.
Eleanor: Amen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about 10 minutes.
Michael: Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through... the multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here, all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife, all happened so that we could be here, together... as the very best versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem in the nick of time.
Eleanor: Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.
Michael: Chidi, can you do this?
Chidi: Actually, what you just said, the very best versions of ourselves, gave me an idea.
Michael: Ha. Turns out it was a cool speech.

Judge: Aw, nuts. How did I fall for that?
Chidi: Please, have a seat, Your Honor.
Judge: I already told you. I'm not interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out?
Janet: Okay. Here he is.
Timothy Olyphant: [appears] Ma'am.
Janet: You made me an Olyphant?
Timothy Olyphant: I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.
Judge: Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty. Oh, I should call Shawn for this.