Shawn: Aw, man. I had just gotten all the puppies to climb into the cannon. [throws match away]

Judge: All right. Floor is yours.
Chidi: So the problem with the afterlife is not only that it's cruel, but that it's final. You get one shot on Earth, and regardless of the context of your life, you're placed somewhere, usually the Bad Place, forever with no chance for redemption.
Michael: My neighborhood was built to torture humans, but it made them better. We want to create a system that works that way intentionally, a system designed to give people a fighting chance.
Timothy Olyphant: Huh. Interesting. Why don't you walk us through it?
Eleanor: Yeah, we're gonna, man. Just chill.

Michael: The test could be anything. Maybe you show up and you're told you're in the Good Place, but you know that it's a mistake. Maybe the test looks just like your regular life, or a twisted version of your life. You're presented with these challenges. You do well or badly, but at the end, you're given a sort of evaluation.
Chidi: Yeah, and the architects explain what you did badly, what you did well, and then you get rebooted and do it again... and again and again until you ace it.
Timothy Olyphant: Oh, hang on. It seems to me if y'all get rebooted, your memories will be wiped out. How you ever gonna learn anything if you're always having to start from scratch?
Judge: Mm-hmm.
Eleanor: Good point, Timothy Olyphant.
Judge: Tim's fine.
Eleanor: Okay, great. In the new system, you will retain a vague memory of what you learned in the evaluation sessions. That information, what you did well or badly, stays with you like... like a little voice in your head, helping you become a better version of yourself.
Timothy Olyphant: Okay, that helps. Thank you.
Chidi: So, our guess is that with enough chances, people will eventually make enough good choices to qualify for the Good Place, and maybe some never will, but that's okay because everyone gets a fair shot.

Shawn: Hold the phone. What are my demons doing this whole time? I have millions of lava monsters down there who will be out of a job. I ask you, into whose throats are they supposed to pour lava?
Michael: Well, bad news is no more throat lava or penis flattenings.
Shawn: Then what are we doing to their penises?
Michael: Well, largely, ignoring them.
Shawn: You guys are hearing this. I'm not crazy, right?
Timothy Olyphant: No, I mean, it's a fair question.
Eleanor: Whose side are you on, man?
Timothy Olyphant: I don't have a dog in this fight, little lady. I'm just looking for clarity.

Judge: Well?
Shawn: Hmm... pass.
Eleanor: Well, guys, I really thought you had it.
Judge: It has been a genuine pleasure, sweetie. [Timothy Olyphant disappears] Oh. [sings] Gonna erase the Earth Erase the Earth

Judge: Okay, finally. For the last time, I, the Judge of the afterlife...
Michael: Hang on, Your Honor.
Judge: [groans] Are you kidding me? Can't a gal just end all of humanity one time without everyone getting all up on her junk? What is it, man?
Michael: Shawn has agreed to our proposal.
Judge: Wait, seriously?
Shawn: In principle, yes. Still some kinks to work in...
Michael: Out.
Shawn: Out. Sorry. Old habits. But I think we can find a way to make it work.

Judge: Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?
Neutral Janet: These are my last words. End of words.
Judge: Yes. Really boring. Bye! [marbleizes Neutral Janet] All right, who's next?
Bad Janet: Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.
Judge: That is so interesting because last time I checked, I didn't have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch. M'kay?

Janet: We can't play keep-away forever.
Michael: Keep trying. Get her to see the light.
Janet: I already showed her the light. She wasn't impressed. To be fair, she was there when it was invented.

Michael: Okay, before we try to completely redesign the entire afterlife, has anyone just thought of a good reason the Judge shouldn't cancel Earth?
Jason: Because it would be a bummer.
Michael: Yeah, we might need more than that.
Jason: Are you at least gonna write it down? [Michael writes] Did you actually write it down, or did you just do a scribble-scrabble? [Michael rips the sheet out of his notepad]

Chidi: So, in this essay, "Putting Cruelty First," Judith Shklar contends that we should consider cruelty as society's primary flaw.
Tahani: I'm sorry, are you wearing roller skates?
Chidi: Yeah. I got them from Disco Janet. Thanks, Disco Janet.
Disco Janet: Solid.
Chidi: Anyway, here's her point. Imagine someone sells a joint and then gets locked away in a dangerous prison for years. The crime isn't cruel, but the punishment is. That's a problem.