Pillboi: This is huge, J. When Double Trouble pops off, I'll be able to quit my job at the old folks' home. Buy a big-ass mansion. Every day I'd wake up, get out of bed, brush my teeth rinse, go downstairs, open the fridge... "Damn, we outta milk." Get in my car...
Michael: You don't have to run through the whole imaginary day.
Donkey Doug: Jason, I believe in Double Trouble. Why won't you believe in me?

Michael: Maybe this is what'll put your father on the right path. And hey, it's not like he's robbing a bank.
Donkey Doug: Yeah. It's a factory.
Michael: Excuse me?
Pillboi: Tonight, we're gonna steal some energy drinks from an energy drink factory then steal some cologne from a cologne factory. So, it's actually two factories.
Donkey Doug: Then we just gotta bottle it all up. Aw, dip, we gotta rob a bottle factory. Three factories.
Pillboi: Three factories.

Jason: Stupid Donkey Doug! I mean, two factories I can understand but... but three?
Michael: You might want to consider the possibility that your father's a lost cause.
Jason: I have an idea, but I need your help. Will you guys help me?
Michael: I mean, yeah, that... that's why we're here, Jason.
Tahani: What's your idea, darling?
Jason: We're gonna save Pillboi.

Chidi: OK, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about everything that's happened in the last year...
Waitress: Hi, there. What can I get you to drink?
Simone: Uh, I'll have an iced tea, please.
Chidi: Water, thanks. Um... It's been a time of massive personal and professional growth...
Waitress: Sorry, sugar with that iced tea?
Simone: Yes, please.
Chidi: Um, all in all, it's been overwhelmingly positive and I think that's due in large part to you.
Waitress: Sorry, real quick. I'm gonna go on break, so Helmut will be taking care of you.
Helmut: Hello. Will you be eating with us today?
Chidi: Just, please, give us one second.
Helmut: Ja, okay. One. That was one second. Ha-ha, that was a joke.
Chidi: Please get out of here, Helmut!
Helmut: OK, ja.

Chidi: All right, look. Just, um... we need to break up. I am... I am breaking up with you!
Simone: Why?
Chidi: I can't... It's... I ju... It's... it's complicated. But it's happening. Ya dumped!
Simone: OK.
Chidi: Wait. Wait, no... Come back. Please.
Helmut: Ja, OK, I'm back.
Chidi: Not you, Helmut!

Pillboi: Now listen, Judy. You can't mix Xannies with these lil' pink fools. You'll be tripping balls like Clarence was when he crawled into the ice machine. [she giggles] Here. Take half of one of these, wash it down with a 5-Hour Energy and you'll be golden. Body high with mild visuals.
Judy: Thanks, Pillboi.
Pillboi: [to his supervisor] Yo, I gotta take off, cos I gotta go do a robbery. I mean... I'm sick.
Tahani: Hello, Pillboi. I'm here on behalf of Jason. You won't be attending the job, with Donkey Doug today. There's been a change of plans.
Pillboi: OK.
Tahani: That's it? You don't need any more information?
Pillboi: I mean, do you wanna tell me?
Tahani: Not really.
Pillboi: Cool. Want some pills?

Chidi: I hate this. What if I ruined her? What if I sent her down the wrong path and she ends up in the Bad Place? I have to undo what I did. Janet, fire up the simulator.
Eleanor: Dude. No more simulations, just talk to her. Break-ups never end with both people feeling great. But she's a badass and her world is bigger than your relationship. [Chidi sighs] She'll recover. Just... Go. Be a person.
Chidi: Right. Here I go.

Donkey Doug: Pillboi?
Jason: No, it's me. Pillboi's friend, Jason. Pillboi's not coming.
Donkey Doug: If you're here to tell me an energy drink body spray is a bad idea, I've heard it before. From a bank, and some doctors.
Jason: I'mma help you make Double Trouble but you gotta leave Pillboi alone from now on. I'm trying to save him.
Donkey Doug: Oh, dip. You got religious and shizz? Amen.
Jason: Amen.

Jason: OK, hurry up and get this crap in my truck. [sirens wail]
Police Officer: [over bullhorn] Jacksonville Police. Come out with your hands up.
Donkey Doug: Are you a cop? 'cause if you are, you have to tell us!
Police Officer: [over bullhorn] Yes, this is the police.
Donkey Doug: Yup, I knew it, it's the cops!
Jason: Well, what do we do? Yo, let's get out of here.
Donkey Doug: No. I know I haven't been the best father in the world. I might not have even been in the top five. I wanna make up for that. I'll distract 'em. You run out the back.
Jason: No, that's crazy.
Donkey Doug: It's what my dad did for me, and his dad for him and some day, you'll do this exact thing for your son.
Jason: I mean, I hope not.

Jason: But thanks, Donkey Doug.
Donkey Doug: Hey. Call me "Donkey Dad".
Jason: OK. Donkey Dad.
Donkey Doug: Nah, that sounds wack! Call me Donkey Doug!
Jason: Cool.
Donkey Doug: [runs from the police] Bortles!