Eleanor: Guys, I'm good. Honestly. Wasn't even as bad as I thought. I mean, who cares if he doesn't remember my name?
Michael: Oof. I mean, "cool-f".
Eleanor: Good save, bud.

Shawn: There is no problem we can't create. And believe me, we are gonna create some a-problems. So let's kick things off with our official Bad Place song.
All: [sing] 1-877-KARS for Kids K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids
Glenn: Ooh, are we singing?
Shawn: Shut up, Glenn.

Eleanor: So you, Linda Johannsen, are in the Good Place.
Linda: That's nice.
Michael: I know this can be a little overwhelming, but you'll get used to it. Do you have any questions?
Linda: Is there a fitness center?
Eleanor: There can be, plus literally anything else you could possibly wish for.
Michael: Just in case we weren't clear, this is the Good Place. A state of eternal happiness. Paradise.
Linda: That's nice. I like that.

Michael: All I know is she's boring. She makes Neutral Janet look like Disco Janet. Disco Janet was around for awhile, years ago. She was great. I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
Eleanor: Actually, that's a good idea. Let's unload this dead weight. Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Linda, this is Janet. If you want anything at all, Janet can bring it to you. Watch. Janet, can I have a baby elephant made of pure light that tells you true secrets about the universe?
Elephant: Shirley Temple killed JFK.
Eleanor: See? Anything you want from Janet?
Linda: Can I have... a peppermint?
Janet: Sure.
Linda: I'm gonna go over there now.
Elephant: Stonehenge was a sex thing.

Michael: Everyone, you may remember Matt from accounting. The Judge has assigned him to our project.
Matt: So I'll be monitoring the four new humans. A modified point system will be applied to their actions for the next year, and then we'll know how much better or worse their behavior is than when they were alive. But no one will be able to see what's happening in real time. Good luck saving humanity from eternal doom.

Michael: The point of the video is to make them all confront what kind of people they were on earth. Keep a close eye on our four subjects. Try to gauge their reactions, you know? The subtlest glances, the tiniest flinches.
Eleanor: What about shaking someone by the head? What does that mean?
Michael: Oh, boy.

Eleanor: Frankly, I'm glad she's boring. We have enough to worry about. How is Brent doing?
Janet: About the same, I'd say.
Brent: [to other party-goers] Princeton. Graduated in the top half of the bottom half of my class. Rowing team, sailing team, class president... I hung out with all those guys.

Eleanor: Okay, and John, our favorite gossip columnist?
John: [to other party-goers] Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face with six vials of Juvederm. I'm hoping that my corpse looks like a waxed tile floor. My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel. Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop. Trying to see who gets me.

Mindy St. Claire: You know, it's bad enough you guys have taken over my house for a year and I've had to move into the attic, but now I have to walk in to find Darth Vader's turd in the middle of my living room. I mean, what is this?
Jason: No time to explain. Also, I kind of forgot. Where is Derek's plunger? The one that kills him.
[later:]
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, I used to do this whenever I needed some alone time. Once, I rebooted him just because he was breathing super loud. Then, when he woke up, he was like, "I don't breathe." So I don't know what I heard.
Jason: Well, I'm doing this because he's trying to steal my girlfriend.
Mindy St. Claire: Yeah, you don't need to justify it. Again, I do it all the time.
Derek: [appears] No, no, no, Mindy, please wait, don't kill me! Oh... it's you? Okay, well, you certainly don't have the Dereks to... [Jason hits the plunger]
Mindy St. Claire: [laughs] Yeah! Oh, it's always good.

Janet: I don't have time for this. I am running a neighborhood and its residents, and Eleanor just casually orders me to make popcorn rivers, and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff. Ugh!
Jason: Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?
Janet: We'll talk about it later.