Eleanor: So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.
Brent: Really? Well, that blows. Ah, you know what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days! Everything is so PC. And I was an equal-opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about everybody, and by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My dentist was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So, where am I, exactly?
Michael: The Good Place.
Brent: Oh, cool. Good.

Eleanor: So, Brent, I see from your file you were in the materials business.
Brent: Oh, yeah, big time. Strings, chords, vinyl, synthetics, rubber... We do vulcanized now, so that's huge. Plus metals. Aluminum, brass, copper... What else?
Eleanor: Steel?
Brent: No, not steel. Steel's a sucker's game. Polymers, coatings, internals... You crack open an HVAC? That is all us. Is there golf here? There freaking better be.

Eleanor: Okay, well, why don't you explore around a bit while I go far away and if you need anything, you can always ask Janet. Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. How can I help you?
Brent: Oh, a secretary. Great.
Janet: Not a secretary.
Brent: Fine, fine. Executive assistant. Here we go with all the terms we gotta learn, right? Vice President of Helping. Captain Marvel. You know what I'm saying.

Michael: Simone's reaction is fairly common. When I worked in the Bad Place, some people just wouldn't believe it when they heard they were dead.
Tahani: How did you convince them?
Michael: They'd usually come around by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas. Obviously not an option here.

Michael: Wait. I need to say something. I know this seems bleak and it feels like we're all doomed and therefore humanity is doomed.
Eleanor: You needed to say that?
Michael: The point is, I believe that we're destined to succeed. There is nothing that the Bad Place can throw at us that we can't handle, because we are an incredible, inspiring, brilliant group of...
[elsewhere:]
Shawn: Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs. I mean, look at you. I am so proud of how disgusting and cruel you all are. You suck. You all suck donkey butts.

Michael: We have Janet, who can do literally anything. She made all the other people in the neighborhood.
Janet: Not people.
Michael: We have me, who had a momentary setback, but I'm feeling great now. And that was awhile ago. Most of you don't even remember it, probably. We have Jason, who can... And marching us into battle, our fearless leader, the pride of Phoenix, Arizona, Eleanor Shellstrop! [all cheering]
Tahani: Yay, Eleanor!
Jason: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Eleanor: Technically, the pride of Phoenix is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper made from cigarette butts. It's outside City Hall. But thank you for the kind words.
Michael: With this team, there's no problem we can't solve.

Judge: [on videos chat] So let me get this straight. Shawn, you sent a demon in disguise as one of the subjects?
Michael: Yes, he did, Your Honor.
[Linda removes her mask and is revealed to be shirtless Chris Baker]
Michael: Luckily, none of the other test subjects saw the mess he made, but he put the experiment at risk and he attacked me and Eleanor. And I'm sorry, where's your shirt?
Chris Baker: I think it got stuck in the skin suit.
Eleanor: Well, keep it there.
Shawn: [on video call] Damn it, Chris, you were supposed to slowly undermine them and gradually sabotage the experiment, not just go ham on day two, you fart plume.
Chris Baker: I told you, I'm not an actor.
Shawn: And when you get back here, you won't be anything.

Eleanor: Okay, can we not...
Tahani: Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing and I am embracing you and I shall not let you go.
Jason: And I'm also embracing you because this feels warm and my hands are cold.

Shawn: Bambadjan... such an unbelievable dingus. And Val. Who's a bigger skidmark than Val?
Val: Maybe your mom. [all laugh]
Shawn: Classic.

Eleanor: Okay, forget about all that stuff. For this first week, all we need to do is figure out what the fork is up with these benches. So, I made this. We start 'em out on this side, because we're like, "What's her deal?" And when we feel we have a handle on who they are, what makes them tick, we move them to this side... party time. We already know a lot about Simone, so... Boom. See? One down, three to go.
Michael: Let's go figure out the others. We can do this. On three. Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose. Ah, sorry. Old Bad Place rally cry.