Sophia: What's with this guy? He must be blind as a bat.
Blanche: There are lots of ways you can trick a man into thinkin' you're younger than you really are. You wear sunglasses, put on a little extra makeup, go to dimly lit restaurants.
Rose: We've all done that.
Blanche: Fly to Nevada to get a fake birth certificate. Have a phony high school yearbook printed up. Change the dates on your parents' graves.
Dorothy: We've all done that.

Rose: That's a St. Olaf war bond. Charlie bought us those in '42. I didn't realize I still had those.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that St. Olaf printed its own war bonds?
Rose: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war. Attack cows.
Blanche: Take me now, Lord.
Rose: No one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly trained killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't till they were airborne that we realized a cow can't pull a rip cord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess.

Rose: I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.
Dorothy: Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
Rose: First there'd be the Christmas pageant, with the shepherds and the angels and the two wise men.
Blanche: There were three wise men, Rose.
Rose: Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle. And then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Blanche: Why, Rose?
Rose: Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then, the next morning, the rumors would start. And they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then, the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell! It's Christmas."

Rose: The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off. Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche: So you told her?
Rose: No, I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like?
Rose: It sure did. Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? [laughing] Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Blanche: What day is this? I've been up for 72 hours. I had a breakthrough. I discovered a new form of writing. I will go down in history. First I wrote all day, then I tore it all up, and then that night it came to me, and the words poured forth like liquid from a stream. It was almost a mystical experience. Somebody else was writing this.
Rose: Who?
Blanche: Everyman. This is everyman's work. It's all gold. Just open it anywhere and the magic will touch you. But I'm so tired. I must sleep. And I cannot sleep. I am too tired to sleep. I will never sleep again. I may die from this. What am I gonna do? My God, I'm hallucinating. I see little balls of sunshine in a bag. Does this mean something?
Rose: Those are egg yolks, Blanche.
Blanche: My brain's gone. My body is limp with exhaustion. I suppose all the greats knew this feeling. And the thing is, after all this I've decided not to sell my book. It's too good to sell. They can publish it after I'm dead, like Vincent van Gogh.
Dorothy: Van Gogh was a painter, Blanche.
Blanche: Whatever. It's all the same thing. We're all artists. We're all misunderstood. He cut off his hair. Maybe I'll cut off mine.
Dorothy: He cut off his ear.
Blanche: I have too many earrings.

Dorothy: Oh, morning, Ma. You sleep OK?
Sophia: No. I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed. Do you know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking?

Rose: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy: She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was six. She died, you idiot.
Rose: How did she die?
Dorothy: You know, we're not sure. One night she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day the neighborhood kids had a go-kart with two really big back wheels.

Marguerite: What is she talking about?
Sophia: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby. I was tired of her!

Sophia: This is no coincidence. Everything I have, you try to steal. May the bags under your eyes grow so large your head falls in 'em.
Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your Preparation H and shrink your head to the size of mushroom.

Dorothy: Ma, are you sure about this?
Sophia: I'm not even sure I have these pants on right.
Dorothy: Listen, I want you to go slow and pace yourself.
Sophia: That's what I used to tell your father. The only thing he did faster than eat was make love. And in both cases, before I was finished, he'd pat his stomach and say, "I've had enough."