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‘All That Jazz’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: All That Jazz

510. All That Jazz

Aired December 2, 1989

Dorothy finally takes a hard line with Michael when he comes to town, having separated from his wife and given up his job, and starts to rely on her again. Meanwhile, Rose is stressed by the demands of her job.

Quote from Rose

Rose: The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off. Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche: So you told her?
Rose: No, I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like?
Rose: It sure did. Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? [laughing] Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: For the past week all he's been doing is hanging out at the beach and having a good time. Maybe this job at the Hacienda Hut will get him on the right track again.
Blanche: Dorothy, you don't want Michael working in a place like the Hacienda Hut. It is full of people just looking for easy sex and cheap thrills. But if it'll help, I could write a letter of recommendation.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Dorothy, I know you've done the right thing. In the animal kingdom, the whole idea is to teach offspring to fend for themselves. Humans are the only ones who think it's their duty to care for children their entire lives.
Dorothy: You know, Rose, sometimes you really say some wise things.
Rose: We're also the only species who use corn holders that look like corn on the cob when we eat corn on the cob.
Dorothy: Oops! Spoke too soon.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: She threw you out, didn't she?
Michael: She changed the locks and everything. I mean, she even tossed all my clothes out the window. You can't imagine what it's like, searching for underwear in the back of a convertible.
Blanche: Tell me about it.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, this really isn't your problem anymore. It's Michael's. He just has to learn the things we need to know to be an adult. Like how to earn a living, how to pay the rent, how to be courteous to your Friday-night mistake on Saturday morning. I still have to work on that last one myself.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: For a bad neck, you get into bed, lie perfectly still and wait until it's over. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's not a bad neck, that's bad sex.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: At least he can depend on one of this parents.
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I told you why-
Sophia: I know what you told me, and you're wrong. Your brother Phil is much older than Michael and I still send him money. And do you know why? Where I was brought up, you learned never to turn your back on family. Never.
Dorothy: I know, Ma.
Sophia: When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn its back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose! Honey, it's three in the morning! Why are you staring at those light bulbs?
Rose: I'm running a consumer test for work. I have to see which one of these lasts longer.
Blanche: Rose, you ninny, don't you know staring at light bulbs for hours is bad for your eyes?
Rose: Hey, instead of worrying about my eyes, I'd be more concerned with those purple spots all over your face. Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. I'm frazzled. Not only is this due tomorrow, but I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.
Blanche: Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?
Rose: Come on, Blanche! Then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Learn to relax. I learned how to relax in any situation on that meditation retreat.
Rose: You went on a meditation retreat?
Blanche: Yeah.
Rose: Was it successful?
Blanche: Oh, yes. By the end of the week 17 men were using my name as a mantra.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm a little concerned. He just doesn't take commitment seriously. Ma, he quits jobs, he leaves relationships. It's like they don't matter. He is 30 years old. When's he gonna grow up?
Blanche: Why should he, when you make it so easy for him not to?
Dorothy: Are you saying it's my fault?
Blanche: Well, all I'm saying is, Dorothy, you have to do something, or you're gonna end up with a 60-year-old kid who can't hold a job or have a meaningful relationship, who keeps running to you all the time for emotional support. Can you imagine a man like that? [doorbell]
Dorothy: No, I can't. [opens door] Yes, I can.
Stan: Hi. It's me, Stan.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Come on in, Stanley. We were just talking about you.
Stan: I thought I felt my ears burning.
Sophia: Maybe that cheap toupee you're wearing retains heat.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: So what am I supposed to do?
Blanche: You have to make him stand on his own two feet. If I were you, I'd kick him out.
Dorothy: You really think I should do that?
Blanche: Kick him out. I know it sounds hard and cruel, Dorothy, but I've been reading about that very thing. It's called "rough love."
Dorothy: No, I think it's "tough love."
Blanche: Well, see there? Now, we've both come up with something we oughta try.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, what the hell are you listening to?
Rose: It's a relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.
Dorothy: Is it working?
Rose: Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I am going crazy wondering where he is. I mean, he could be sleeping under a pier, for all I know. Or in some flophouse. Or out on the street.
Sophia: Michael called. He's staying with Stan.
Dorothy: Oh, God, it's even worse than I thought!

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, Rose, is your neck bothering you again?
Rose: Yeah. And I'm gonna do something about it.
Dorothy: I'm glad you've come to your senses. [doorbell] There is nothing worse than a pain in the neck. [opens door to Stan] I must be psychic.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Michael, I want you to know I think what your mother did was right. You may not see it now, but you'll realize it later.
Michael: Well, I guess this is goodbye. [exits]
Sophia: See? I came around to your side.
Dorothy: You gave him money, didn't you?
Sophia: It's not like it's my money. I took it from your purse.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I don't know if he'll ever forgive me.
Sophia: The day you left me at Shady Pines, do you remember what I told you?
Dorothy: Of course. You told me you'd never forgive me.
Sophia: But look at us now. Everything's fine.
Dorothy: What, are you saying that no matter how bad things are between Michael and me, they'll change?
Sophia: No. I'm saying that when Michael is 83 and his retirement home burns down, your... Oh, that's right. You'll be dead. See you, pussycat.


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