Stan: Anyway, Sophia, it occurred to me that I never actually asked your permission to marry your daughter, and well, I guess in asking her hand, I'm also asking your hand. So, what do you say? Will you be my mother-in-law?
Sophia: Marrying us both, eh? So, uh, I suppose one could say six years ago you left us both. Of course, that was after you spent the entire marriage cheating on us both. The only difference is, you haven't been forgiven by us both. So the answer is no. I don't trust you, Stan. And where there is no trust, there is no family. You marry this man and we're no longer family. You do this, you are out of my life forever.

Dorothy: Oh, by the way, I want to thank you for not saying, "I told you so."
Sophia: When you're as right as I am, you don't have to say it.

Sophia: Hey, these are all right. When I look through them backwards, you actually look demure.
Dorothy: Ma, get new glasses, all right?

Karl: No one moves and no one makes a sound. We all stand still until they leave.
[Sophia, sans glasses, enters from the kitchen and heads for the front door]
Karl: Don't make a move, old lady.
Sophia: Nice way to talk to your mother, Pussycat.

Sophia: It's great. I can finally see again. Hey, it's the Cheeseman. Come on, get in here, both of ya.
Blanche: Sophia, you recognize Karl as the Cheeseman?
Sophia: You don't? The man's been on America's Most Wanted at least six times.
Karl: The last episode was the highest rated ever. Ever.
Dorothy: That must be a good feeling.

Rose: I hate to interrupt you, but I have some bad news. It's all over. That's right, you're busted. Barbara's a cop.
Barbara: In a dress, without a gun. So, basically, what you have here is a crossing-guard thing.
Karl: All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up in a closet, and us boys are going for a little walk.
Sophia: Wow. Were you ever activities director of a place called Shady Pines?

Blanche: Blanche Devereaux's goin' on a diet.
Sophia: Could you hold off until tomorrow? I got some Sara Lee stock I'd like to unload.

Dorothy: Ma, I'm going to ask you a question, and however you answer, I'll believe you. Did you tell John Neretti to go away the night of my senior prom because you didn't like the way he was dressed?
Sophia: Well-
Dorothy: Liar! You knew John showed up that night, and you didn't tell me. You didn't want me to go out with him tonight. You knew he'd bring it up.
Sophia: I can explain. Just don't lock me away in another ill-equipped nursing home.

John: Mrs. Petrillo. It's John Neretti. Well, you haven't aged a bit. [louder] I said, you haven't aged a bit.
Sophia: I hear you. I'm not deaf. "Haven't staged a hit"?

Dorothy: [enunciating loudly] Hi, Ma. How are you? Are you happy today?
Sophia: Oh, my God, we're being bugged. Who is it? Immigration?
Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: [talking to the barbecue] Uh, happy? I'm- I'm happy, all right, happy to be a citizen of the United States of America.
Dorothy: Ma, you are a citizen.
Sophia: [talking to a cactus] That's right, Dorothy. As far as we know, I am a citizen, a citizen of the US of A, home of presidents like, um, Ford, Lincoln... Help me out here, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Bush, Ma.
Sophia: [to a plant] Oh, and Reagan.