Rose: So I don't know what to do. I tried to convince Myra that he's just a friend, but she wouldn't listen. She won't accept the divorce. I feel threatened.
Sophia: Oh, please, that's no threat. Where I come from, when someone wanted to make a point, they'd tie a string around your finger. Well, come to think of it, it wasn't a string, it was a piano wire. Actually, it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. Anyway, it was very popular. In fact, piano wire was our village's second biggest export. You know what our biggest export was?
Both: No.
Sophia: Too bad. I don't remember either. My God, I've left brain cells all over the Eastern Seaboard.

Dorothy: I have some news. I told my mother about us.
Stan: You're kidding? How did she take it?
Dorothy: Pretty well.
Stan: Chest pains?
Dorothy: You remember.
Stan: Hey, you don't forget your wedding day.

Sophia: Who's on the phone?
Rose: It's that woman from the restaurant.
Sophia: Give me the phone. [on the phone] So, uh, you're Myra. Who am I? Some call me Sophia. Others know me as "The Terminator." Of course, these people have corneas that look like cotton balls.
Rose: Maybe I better talk.
Sophia: Is that right? Well, listen, Myra, I'm not afraid of you. I'm from Sicily. You know what the number one export of our village is? Ransom notes. [aside] I had a flashback in the can.

Dorothy: Ma. Ma, Stan gave me an engagement ring.
Sophia: I see. Excuse me. [Sophia sticks her head in the microwave]
Dorothy: Ma, that's a microwave!
Sophia: I know. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Blanche: Checkmate.
Sophia: Checkmate? I thought we were playing Yahtzee. OK, that's a do-over.
Blanche: No, that is not a do-over. You do this every time. Last time you thought it was checkers, before that it was Battleship, and twice you yelled out "snake eyes!"
Sophia: No, that was for you. It was a mascara note. Anyway, I can get out of this. The game's not over till the fat lady sings.

Rose: [singing] I'm singing in the rain. Hi, girls.
Blanche: You're in a good mood, Rose. Is someone expecting her "special visitor" tonight?
Rose: Oh, don't be silly, Blanche. I haven't had my "special visitor" in years.
Sophia: Hey, neither have I. It's amazing, when you live with women, you get on the same cycle.

Sophia: Rose was telling us about this secret date tonight.
Dorothy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Sophia: Rose has something called a "date," Dorothy. How can I explain this? Remember when you went to a restaurant and a man pulled out your chair? Well, if that had been a date, he would have warned you first.

Blanche: Dorothy, do you love him?
Dorothy: Well, what does that mean, Blanche? He was my husband, he was the father of my children. Of course I have feelings for him.
Blanche: Uh-huh. Well, what are they?
Dorothy: Love. I guess I love him. Oh, I can't believe it. Of course I don't love the fact that he still keeps his toupee in the lettuce crisper. But it does look fresher, and you deal with it.

Blanche: What you doing, Rose?
Rose: Myra's been calling me at work and threatening me, so I'm fixing a flashlight to walk out to my car at night. In case she's planning on surprising me.
Blanche: Good. Women should always check their cars at night before they get in 'em.
Rose: Blanche, that's a wonderful idea. I was just gonna shine it under my chin to make myself look scarier.

Rose: From here on in, I guess I'm going to have to get used to calling you Dorothy Zbornak.
Dorothy: Rose, you've always called me Dorothy Zbornak.
Rose: I know, but I never really meant it.