Dorothy: I'm just glad that you got home safely.
Blanche: Are you still on that Rex thing? Listen, for your information, he apologized and apologized about the things he was sayin' when we were leaving. Then he invited me marlin fishing, just the two of us on the open seas. He says it's the ideal vacation.
Sophia: Sure. No witnesses.

Stan: No, no, no. You don't understand. Something wonderful has happened. In his will, Uncle Morris left us an apartment building - jointly. We're partners. Don't you see, Dorothy? We'll be together, and we'll have a place of our own.
Sophia: Oh, God, he's proposing to her again. Will one of you raise your standards, please?!

Sarah: I'm afraid there's been a mistake. We're here to see Sophia Petrillo.
Dorothy: Oh, won't you come in?
Sophia: Are you Marvin from the ad?
Sarah: Yes, he is. And are you Sophia?
Sophia: Well, he doesn't look like he'll kill me. Yeah, I'm Sophia, and only one little question remains. Who the hell are you?
Sarah: I'm Sarah, Marvin's sister. Marvin, don't you have something for Sophia?
Marvin: Here.
Sophia: Hey, it talks.

Dr. Chang: Are there any other questions that I could answer for you?
Dorothy: Not now, not that I can think of. Maybe later. Right now I can't even think straight.
Dr. Chang: If there are no more questions, I'll order some blood work-
Sophia: Uh, I have a question.
Dr. Chang: Of course, Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: When I order at Fung Chow's and say no MSG, do they really put it in anyway?

Dorothy: Oh, I wish Blanche wasn't out on a date. I just hate the thought of her being with that guy Rex. I'll tell you, no man would ever treat me that way, and you know why, Ma?
Sophia: The whole city knows why. They heard it on the radio.

Dorothy: Here, honey, I picked up your new glasses.
Sophia: Oh, thank God. Now I can see. Oh, wait a minute. These are no good.
Dorothy: What, are they the wrong prescription?
Sophia: No, the wrong frames. I specifically asked for old lady smoky green. These are black. I look like Buddy Holly.

Abby: Anyway, you know the station manager. Well, he called me today, and there is this rumor that you're not-
Sophia: Excuse me, Abby. I'd like to inject some candor here. I'd also like to inject a tranquilizer dart into your backside. But my dart gun was confiscated after the incident with the trick-or-treaters. In my defense, it was dark, and I was unaware of this Ninja Turtle craze. But I digress. So to be brief, Abby, shut up. Get a life. Stop calling Rose. She doesn't wanna talk to you, so leave her alone. Thank you.
Abby: Is that what you wanted to say to me, Rose?
Rose: Well, I'm sorry, but I suppose so.