Stan: Hi, it's me Stan.
Sophia: What do you want?
Stan: I have a surprise for Dorothy.
Sophia: What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine it's working again?
Stan: My God, Sophia. Is there anything Dorothy didn't tell you about us?
Sophia: Actually, yes. I didn't know she was pregnant until four days after the wedding.

Ted: Hi, Sophia. Remember me, Stan's brother Ted? I danced with you at their wedding.
Sophia: Where were you when the got divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.

Stan: Blanche, Rose, this is my little brother Ted.
Blanche: Charmed I'm sure. Oh, there's my new Vanity Fair.
Stan: He just flew in from Minneapolis.
Rose: Minneapolis, Minnesota?
Sophia: No, Rose, Minneapolis, France.
Rose: Oh, I'm from Minnesota.
Ted: I'm from Minnesota, too.
Rose: Then you just moved to France?
Dorothy: Welcome to my life.

Rose: It's nice meeting you, Ted, but I have to go to work.
Ted: What do you do?
Dorothy: She's Gary Hart's campaign manager. It doesn't pay much but you don't have to get out of bed to do it.

Blanche: So, uh, Ted, did I hear someone say you were a doctor?
Stan: He's not just a doctor. He happens to be one of the top neurosurgeons in the midwest.
Blanche: Get out of here.
Stan: He's also heavy into real estate.
Ted: No, it's nothing much really. I just own a few mini-malls.
Blanche: Oh, your wife must be very proud of you.
Ted: Actually, we're divorced.
Blanche: Oh, I'm terribly, terribly sorry. [Blanche gets up, walks over to the couch and squeezes between Ted and Dorothy] Love your shirt.
Dorothy: Nice segueway, Blanche.

Ted: Well, goodnight, Blanche.
Blanche: Well, what's your hurry. Why don't you come in for a nightcap.
Ted: Oh, I don't want to put you out.
Blanche: I like to put out. ... I mean, it's no trouble.

Dorothy: How was your date with Blanche?
Ted: Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but when I was dating, the man used to make all the moves.
Dorothy: How many men have you dated? No, I know what you meant and I'll tell you, I don't think that's old-fashioned. I think it's kind of nice.
Ted: How did you spend your evening?
Dorothy: Parent-teacher meetings. Five hours of saying things like, "Well, your little Betty is a joy but she's going to have to trim her mohawk if wants to play Mary in the Christmas play."

Sophia: Okay, that's it. Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Rose: Looks like milk.
Sophia: Trust me, Rose. Drink it. Slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [grabbing a pan out of the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. [Sophia stands behind Rose with the pan] Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But, believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [Sophia lines up the pan]
Rose: I don't feel any tingling, when's it gonna hit me?
Blanche: Sophia! What are you doing?
Sophia: I was making a soufflé and it got away from me.

Dorothy: Ma, don't give me that look.
Sophia: What look?
Dorothy: I didn't do anything wrong. Ted and I just talked last night.
Sophia: Right, and the Godfather made all his money selling olive oil.

Dorothy: Blanche, I didn't steal your date. Ted told me that you had absolutely nothing in common.
Blanche: Well, obviously. He's dull, boring and has dubious taste, to say the least.
Dorothy: If that is some schoolgirl attempt to get my goat you're wasting your breath.
Blanche: I'm simply questioning how any man could possibly choose you over me.
Dorothy: It's not working, Blanche.
Blanche: I suppose there could be some exceptions. Convicts who haven't seen a woman in 25 years...
Dorothy: It's still not working, you bimbo.
Blanche: How childish to resort to name calling, you Jezebel.