Dorothy: Floozy.
Blanche: Tramp.
Dorothy: I? [laughing] I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux? Join the Army, be all you can be, and sleep with Blanche Devereaux? The Marines are looking for a few good men who have not slept with Blanche Devereaux.

Blanche: Honey, have you tried drinking warm milk before going to bed?
Rose: No, I can't drink warm milk. It reminds me of the time Cousin Enoch fell into the vat of milk at the dairy.
Blanche: Goodness. Was he hurt?
Rose: Oh, no. In fact, it began the annual tradition of the St. Olaf milk diving tournament. I won three times in the low fat division. Eventually they discontinued the event when several spectators were caught dipping their Oreo cookies in the winner's swim trunks. [doorbell]
Dorothy, Blanche & Sophia: I'll get it.

Dorothy: Ted, what a surprise!
Ted: It's great to see you again.
Stan: What about me, babe?
Dorothy: Go hug a landmine.

Rose: I can't sleep.
Blanche: Try counting sheep.
Rose: I can't count sheep, I'm allergic to wool. I got to 23 and I broke out in hives. That's when I started counting the members of the Jackson family. Michael, Janet, LaToya, Tito,
Blanche: Rose!
Rose: And then there's Stonewall Jackson but I don't remember him on the Victory Tour.

Rose: Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep.
Sophia: Please, I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I was 70.
Rose: You're right, I shouldn't complain. I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsa Yuderruden back in St.
Olaf. She stayed awake for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Of course, she couldn't have done it without moral support of her children and her husband. And his cattle prod.

Stan: Morning, ladies. Hey, the way you leave that back door open, any idiot could walk in here.
Sophia: Any idiot did.

Dorothy: Rose, have you been drinking much of this?
Rose: Only at night when I can't sleep.
Dorothy: This is loaded with caffeine.
Rose: But we need caffeine, especially women our age. Or our bones will get brittle and we'll walk all stooped over.
Dorothy: That's calcium, Rose. Calcium, not caffeine. This is what has been keeping you awake.
Rose: You mean, if I stop drinking that, I can sleep?
Dorothy: You may even blink again.

Dorothy: I can't believe what just happened.
Blanche: I think you owe me an explanation.
Dorothy: Well, Ted and I-
Blanche: I don't have to stand here and listen to this. [storms out]

Ted: I met this great looking stewardess on the flight and I asked her to go to Acapulco and she could only go if I found a sitter for her two kids. [to Dorothy] Hey, I'd really appreciate it.
Dorothy: Come again.
Ted: They are great kids. One of them plays with matches and stuff, but you don't smoke, do you?
Stan: Teddy, you old stud.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey. I mean, you hang around the master long enough, you're gonna pick up a few tricks.
Dorothy: Listen, uh Ted, I hate to interrupt... What was all that sweet talk about your having a crush on me?
Ted: Well, I did, but that was a long time ago.
Dorothy: Yeah, but... What about last night?
Ted: Well, I'll always remember last night as a very special evening.
Dorothy: It was. It was a very special evening. And that's why I'm going to keep that deep dark secret about yourself that you told me strictly between the two of us.
Ted: Uh, thank you, I appreciate it.
Dorothy: Don't mention it. Good night, Ted. And goodbye. Goodbye.
Host: Collins, party of two, please.
Dorothy: Oh, uh, may I borrow this for a minute? [over p.a.] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please. The gentleman at table five in the blue suit is impotent. Bon appetit.

Blanche: Rose. Oh, Rose. Honey, did you finally get to sleep? Wake up, I have to talk to someone.
Rose: Oh, not now, I wanna sleep.
Blanche: No, Rose, listen, Dorothy's so upset with me, and I don't blame her after all those things I said.
Rose: Mmm.
Blanche: You know, I just don't see how I'll ever face her again. Rose, listen. Listen. Am I a terrible person?
Rose: I don't know. Who are you?
Blanche: It's me, Blanche.
Rose: Oh, Blanche. You're not a terrible person. You're just horny all the time.