Blanche: Sophia.
Sophia: Don't mind me. The best of Carson's coming on.
Blanche: In here?
Sophia: No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.
Ted: I really have to say good night now. Thanks for everything.
Sophia: Why? You didn't get everything.

Stan: So, Blanche, va-va-va-voom, huh?
Blanche: What?
Stan: Last night, with Ted. Cha, cha, cha. Tango, tango, olé, olé.
Rose: Nobody here speaks Spanish, Stan.
Blanche: Stan, what are you talking about?
Stan: Oh, I get it. Play dumb. I can play dumb.
Sophia: Play? You could manage the team.

Stan: Just tell me where Ted is. Is he still asleep?
Blanche: Stan, it's not what you think.
Stan: Hey, I read you, babe. Mum's the word. He's in the shower, right? Yo, Ted!
Blanche: Stanley, your brother isn't here.
Stan: Where is he?
Blanche: Well, how should I know? He left last night around 11:30.
Stan: That doesn't make sense.
Blanche: You're telling me.

Stan: Well, this is strange. He didn't call, he didn't come home. It's not like Ted. I've gotta go find him. He could've gotten mugged. He could be lying out in a gutter somewhere, bleeding to death. [opens the front door and sees Ted and Dorothy kissing] It's worse than I thought.

Stan: Dorothy, what the hell are you doing with my brother?
Dorothy: Calm down, Stanley. It's just a routine search.
Stan: I can't believe that you're so desperate that you'd stoop to this.
Dorothy: You can't talk to me that way.
Stan: I was talking to Ted!

Dorothy: Blanche, if I thought for a second that there was anything between you and Ted, I never would have done what I did.
Rose: What did you do, Dorothy?
Blanche: She spent the night with Ted.
Rose: But Ted was your date, Blanche. Dorothy, you must have slept with somebody else.

Ted: This reminds me of when we were kids, and you and Stan double dated with me and Lois Bernbaum.
Dorothy: Yeah, we went to Roseland, and you and I did the jitterbug.
Ted: And afterwards, to Louie's for a malt?
Dorothy: That's when Stan did his walrus imitation, with the straws up his nose.
Ted: Sure have come a long way since then.
Dorothy: Yeah. Now Stan uses breadsticks.

Stan: Dorothy, you're not moving. It reminds me of our wedding night.
Dorothy: Stanley, I don't wanna dance with you.
Stan: Dorothy, please. This is really important. Today, Ted called the airline and booked two seats for Acapulco. What does that mean to you?
Dorothy: That he doesn't have a travel agent.
Stan: No, you don't understand. The last time he went to Acapulco, he got married.
Dorothy: So? The last time I went to Coney Island, I got pregnant. What's your point?

Stan: Ted, I think there's something you should know about Dorothy. She snores like a freight train.
Ted: Who cares, she's still a great gal.
Stan: Hey, guy, you're a wealthy doctor, you could have gorgeous women crawling at your feet. Why waste your time with Dorothy?
Ted: Stan, I think you're a little out of line.
Stan: I'm not knocking Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, what would you call this, a testimonial?

Blanche: I just didn't want to face you after all those things I said.
Dorothy: Honey, honey, I understand. I understand why you were so upset.
Blanche: I'm not really sure you do, Dorothy. You see I threw myself at Ted and he just tossed me aside like a ratty old pair of sweat socks. Well, I'm not like you, Dorothy. I'm not used to that kind of humiliation. I've never told anyone this before, but I have a fragile ego.
Dorothy: It'll be our little secret.