Adult Adam: [v.o.] While things were looking up with Carmen, my mom was giving Lou and Linda the lowdown on her big threat to Hanukkah.
Beverly: Thank you for convening for our first ever Council of Grandparents meeting.
Lou Schwartz: That sounds like nonsense, but you made coffee cake, so I'm here.
Beverly: I found this monstrosity in Muriel's crib!
Lou Schwartz: Is that Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life?
Beverly: No.
Lou Schwartz: Are you sure? She's got that apron.
Linda Schwartz: Can we go one day without you talking about Mrs. Garrett?
Lou Schwartz: Here's a fact of life... No.

Adam: She has a boyfriend?! And you knew?!
Joanne: You and Brea aren't together anymore. Broken up, split, nada, no moresies.
Adam: I knew this would happen. I just thought it would be in a distant future where there are flying cars and love is just a pill you take.
Barry: But it's now. Today.
Adam: Barry, did you know about Kirk?
Barry: I'm meeting him tonight.
Adam: Tonight? Everyone is moving so fast.
Barry: Relax, it's just dinner at a fast-casual restaurant.
Adam: My brother is double-dating with my girlfriend?
Joanne: Ex-girlfriend! Dissolved, terminated, undone, splintered, poof, the Grand Canyon.

Barry: Don't worry, bro. I'm Team Adam. I'm gonna destroy this kid tonight.
Adam: Thank you!
Joanne: Come again?
Barry: I'm sorry, Joanne, but it is my fraternal duty to humiliate and debase his ex-paramour's current steady.
Joanne: Whatever. I'm getting two wines.
Adam: Thanks, Bar. You're finally a good person.

Erica: What the hell? Mrs. Claus! Okay. Which one of you made Santa single?
Beverly: Damn it, Linda! You were supposed to rip the music box out of her belly so she'd stay quiet!
Linda Schwartz: Why am I on dismemberment duty?
Geoff: Okay, this is very, very dark.
Beverly: It doesn't matter. What matters is that this family is not in the market for any new traditions.
Erica: Last time I checked, you weren't in charge of how we raise our baby.
Geoff: No, you are not.
Erica: And maybe we don't even know how we want to raise our child yet.
Geoff: No, we do not.
Lou Schwartz: What are you saying?
Erica: What I'm saying is, you may not be in the market for new traditions, but we are. May the best holiday win.
Beverly: Ugh! I hate how cute she looks in that Santa suit!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It meant that Erica had already gotten help turning Muriel's room into a Christmas wonderland.
Virginia Kremp: [humming festive song]
Beverly: Virginia Gregory Kremp!
Virginia Kremp: Okay, Erica asked me to do this, and it's the season for giving, so I had to. I'm so scared.
Erica: We've made our choice. Our child is a Christmas baby now. [Beverly gasps]
Rabbi Adler: I should skedaddle. Thank you for the new driveway. Happy Hanu... Holidays.

Barry: I'm sorry, friend. I almost made you trip so badly, no woman could love or respect you.
Kirk: No worries.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, Barry's feelings for Brea's new beau were not what I expected.
Barry: I love Kirk.
Adam: Whatever. He's just a rebound. He's not even Brea's type.
Barry: Adam, look at me. He's everybody's type.
Joanne: Sorry, bud, but maybe you should give him a chance. He's coming with Brea to the JTP's holiday party.
Adam: You mean the thing I'm definitely not going to now?
Barry: Then you'll be missing out on a lot of funny Kirk stories. One time, he jumped so high, he almost touched a branch. He tells it better.
Adam: [scoffs] You guys have fun. I'll be home, imagining the worst.
Joanne: Adam, you don't have to go to the party alone. Why don't you invite that girl from the diner?
Adam: Carmen. Of course. She's as pretty as Kirk is. And once Brea sees her, we'll both be miserable! [laughs] It's a perfect plan.

Barry: Now, if your present is awesome, you can keep it. But if your present is trash, you can steal someone else's. Lastly, if your present is stolen, you can pick a new one. Who's got number one?
Joanne: Ooh! I do!
Barry: Let's go!
Joanne: Ah! The Shining by Stephen King. Well, the movie was hilarious, so let's see what chuckles the book brings.
Barry: Words on paper? Lame.

Barry: Who's next?
Kirk: I'm the deuce. [paper ripping] Oh! A Discman? No way. Oh!
Barry: I bought that, Kirk. I'm the one who made you this happy.
Joanne: Barry, that's too expensive.
Andy: I'm number three. Which means, of course, I will be taking that.
Barry: Nooooo!
Kirk: It's cool. Bar, I'll just get something else. It's okay.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And Kirk did get something else my secret present for Brea.
Adam: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's not meant for-
Kirk: Whoa. It's a necklace. Brea, help me get this tasteful bad boy on.
Barry: Not a lot of guys can pull off a necklace, but leave it to Kirk.
Brea: It looks like a locket.
Adam: Nope. Definitely not a locket.
Kirk: Oh, Brea, it's you and... Adam.
Brea: What?
Carol Singers: Yeah, same. What?
Adam: So weird! Who brought this incredibly intimate gift?
Matt: It's clearly you.
Naked Rob: Scandalous.
Andy: I have a Discman.