Beverly: It's Mrs. Claus. Of the North Pole Clauses? Our children bought this for our granddaughter, and despite my protestations, she is keeping it.
Lou Schwartz: Oh, no, she's not!
Linda Schwartz: Why not?
Lou Schwartz: This toy is a gateway to Christmas.
Beverly: Thank you.
Lou Schwartz: First the baby loves this old lady, next thing you know, she's making gingerbread houses and talking lovingly about Connecticut.
Beverly: And then we've lost her forever.
Linda Schwartz: Because of a toy?
Lou Schwartz: They have better music. They get to put trees in their houses.
Beverly: Oh!
Lou Schwartz: Spiral cut ham! My God, that baby is doomed.

Beverly: We have to put a stop to this, but how?
Lou Schwartz: Maybe the toy goes missing.
Beverly: Mm-hmm.
Lou Schwartz: Babies lose things all the time.
Linda Schwartz: No, they don't. She lives in a crib.
Lou Schwartz: Listen to me very carefully, Linda. Mrs. Kringle here is gonna sleep with the fishes.
Linda Schwartz: Is that supposed to be menacing? Because it looks like you ate a bad egg.
Beverly: Lou scares no one, but the sentiment is right. Yay! We're gonna whack a child's toy! [laughs] Ho, ho, ho.

Adam: Carmen just walked up to me in the diner and had to have me.
Dave Kim: That's remarkable. Even as I hear it a third time.
Adam: Sorry. How's your romantic life at NYU?
Dave Kim: My roommate seems to be getting tons of action. Sometimes I wake up to his guest's enthusiastic noises, so I'm kinda part of it.

Geoff: Oh, hey, Mom and Dad. Didn't know you were here.
Lou Schwartz: Do we need a reason for hanging out? We're just enjoying some of Beverly's... periodicals.
Erica: Fun stuff. I'm going to change the baby. Is it weird that I love her little tushie so much?
Beverly: No, it is not weird. [chuckles]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom thought that Erica's love for Christmas would be a phase, but instead, she doubled down...
Beverly: Bah humbug!
Adult Adam: Even reading Muriel a Dr. Seuss Christmas classic.
Erica: "And the Grinch grabbed the tree and he started to shove, when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove." [Muriel babbles] Oh, no! That Grinch is stealing Christmas. What kind of monster would deny anyone Christmas?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And it didn't stop at the Grinch.
Carol Singers: ♪ Tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy ♪ [Erica joins in] O, tidings of comfort and joy ♪
Virginia Kremp: Erica, I just love your Christmas spirit.
Erica: Oh, yep. I'm here for all the right reasons.
Virginia Kremp: What an odd and worrying thing to say. [tires squeal] [horn honks]
Erica: Oh, hi, Mom! Check us out! Grandma Ginzy is embracing us with songs and merriment.
Virginia Kremp: No, no, no! No, no, no, no. I'm not part of this! [engine revving] The only baby in my life is Jesus! Please don't hurt me! [bleep]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica had officially gone too far. So my mom decided to fight fire with religious fire.
Beverly: Hello, wayward sheep.
Erica: What's going on here? And who's our yarmulked guest?
Beverly: This is Rabbi Adler. I thought I'd invite him over for the first night of Hanukkah.
Rabbi Adler: Fifth.
Erica: Get on with it. Tell us about all the delicious food we can't eat, padre.
Rabbi Adler: Well, I'd start with the shrimp parmesan your mother served me.
Beverly: God forgives! But you should know, Erica was singing noels with the people that buy all the poinsettias.

Kirk: Fun idea: Should we get all 27 cheesecakes?
Barry: That's not a fun idea. That's a perfect one, Kirk.
Joanne: Hello, dummies. You can't get all the cheesecakes. That's like $200.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Despite Barry's best efforts to make life hell for Kirk, it wasn't happening [laughter] because Kirk was kinda great.
Kirk: I can't tell you how much I admire that you're studying to be a doctor.
Barry: Oh. Y- You could try. [both laugh] Cheers.
Adult Adam: And specifically, he was Barry's kind of great.
Kirk: You are so much more jacked than me.
Barry: Eh, you're squeezing too hard, but yeah.
Adult Adam: And finally Ninjas are by far the warriors that I respect the most.
Barry: After dinner, we'll put on black pajamas and pretend to kill a shogun. [both laugh]

Adam: Hey, everyone. I'd like you to meet Carmen.
Barry: Welcome.
Naked Rob: Is this one of those Can't Buy Me Love situations where you're paying her to be your girlfriend with the earnings from your successful mowing business?
Carmen: [laughs] No, it's not.
Naked Rob: Didn't hurt to ask.
Adam: In fact, it did.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my mom always loved celebrating Hanukkah.
Pops: Merry Hanukkah.
Adult Adam: It was an over-the-top spectacle that would rival any Christmas.
Barry: Yeah, baby!
Adult Adam: And now that there was a new Goldberg in the house, my mom was ready for it to be the best Hanukkah ever. Until...
Beverly: What in the holly jolly hell?