Adam: Gah, fine! It's Johnny Atkins!
Erica: It's 'cause I'm not in school to protect you anymore, dummy.
Adam: Protect me?
Beverly: Protect him?
Erica: Yes. All those years while you went about your days blissfully unscathed, I was working in the shadows, ensuring that no one laid a finger on your delicate, under developed little bird body.
Adam: What? But I just figured I was generally accepted and liked!
Erica: Oh, God, no.

Beverly: Well, I guess it's up to Mama to fix it.
Adam: Mom, hear my words. This is the one thing on the planet you cannot fix for me.
Beverly: Schmoo, when you were little, there was always a mean bully at school and like always, Mama fixed it.
Adam: How?
Beverly: Easy! A play date.
Adam: A play date?
Beverly: Works every time!
Adam: I don't need a play date. I just need to handle this on my own.
Beverly: Fine, if that's what you really want, I have no choice but to respect your wishes.
[cut to Johnny Atkins on Adam's bed:]
Johnny Atkins: Sup, Goldnerd?
Adam: She did not in any way respect my wishes!

Johnny Atkins: Can we start this play date already? Friday nights are when I deep-condition my ponytail.
Adam: Then why did you agree to this?
Johnny Atkins: I didn't. Your smoking hot mom forced me.
Beverly: It's true. I cornered him in that park where all the boys and girls go to study in their cars and said that I'd scratch his Celica with a wine opener if he didn't agree to a play date. Totino's Pizza Rolls?
Adam: Leave the pizza rolls and go!
Beverly: Oh, I'll just take out the trundle bed in case you want to sleep over, Jonathan.
Johnny Atkins: Ha, even your room is nerdy! Can't wait to tell everyone at school your bed has a baby bed.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out it's impossible to have a play date with someone you have nothing in common with.
Adam: Seven! Goonies never say die!
Johnny Atkins: Do Goonies ever say, "You're a turd farmer?"
Adam: That's a no on the board games. Ooh! You like "Ghostbusters"? Check it out. I got the Ecto-1 Autobot! How about we make a stop-motion animation where it transforms?
Johnny Atkins: How about I transform my foot up your butt?
Adam: How about I just play a movie so we don't have to interact at all?

Johnny Atkins: What dumb-ass thing is this?
Adam: Hello? It's "Highlander"? We talked about it in shop class?
Johnny Atkins: You're in my shop class?
Adam: Yeah, let's just watch in silence.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Lucky for me, "Highlander" is so ridiculously badass, even Johnny Atkins couldn't deny its awesomeness.
Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez: [on tape] There can be only one.
Johnny Atkins: Dude, this movie is the best! Sword fighting! Queen music! Sean Connery rockin' a pony tail!
Adam: Is this play date actually working?
Johnny Atkins: No.

Johnny Atkins: Man, I'd give anything to be immortal, see all of history unfold before my very eyes, you know?
Adam: You'd also have to watch all the people you love die. So really, it's a gift and a curse.
Johnny Atkins: Whoa.
Adam: I know, bro.

Barry: JTP?
All: JTP.
Barry: Graduation is 12 weeks away, which is why I've planned 12 weekends of JTP shenanigans to cement our friendship.
Naked Rob: Awesome!
Andy: Yeah!
Matt: Dude!
Geoff: I'll do anything if it's in a calendar!

Mr. Crosby: Hey, why are there children in my wood shop looking all eager and excited?
Adam: We're starting a Highlander Club, and maybe you-
Mr. Crosby: Nah.
Adam: Faculty advisors get a $35 stipend.
Mr. Crosby: Then, as your advisor, I advise you not to bother me with stuff.
Johnny Atkins: Yes! He has a laissez-faire attitude about his role!

Dave Kim: Thanks a lot, dude. You gave all the jerks in school weapons and a scheduled time to beat us.
Adam: I know what I did, Dave Kim, but maybe it won't be as bad as we think.

Carla: Come to Mama, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: Do you think this is one of those situations where she's mean to me because she really likes me?!
Adam: I don't think so, pal!